I'm super...thanks for asking

I had planned on leaving the whole "Ann Coulter calls Bill Clinton gay" thing alone, mostly because giving her additional attention plays into her devious, cuntish mind. But she just won't let it go…and I can't keep quite any longer.

Earlier this week, Coulter appeared on Donny Deutsch's show and made his dozens of viewers wonder if women's suffrage should be rethought. Salon provides this commentary:

Under prodding from Deutsch, Coulter repeated on the air something she had told him just before the cameras went on: She thinks Bill Clinton is at least a little bit gay. Her evidence? Well, all those sexual relations he's had with women, of course. "I think that sort of rampant promiscuity does show some level of latent homosexuality," Coulter explained.

Coulter, who said she was "glued" to the Kenneth Starr report about the president, claimed that Clinton didn't know Monica Lewinsky's name "until their sixth sexual encounter," and she finds something "of the bathhouse about that." "It's reminiscent of a bathhouse," she said. "It's just this obsession with your own -- with your own essence."

Deutsch -- the reasonable one in this particular conversation -- asked whether it's possible that Clinton might be "narcissistic" or a "nymphomaniac" without being gay. "Well," Coulter responded, "there is something narcissistic about homosexuality, right? Because you're in love with someone who looks like you. I'm not breaking new territory here. Why are you looking at me like that?"

Ah, Annie – we're looking at you like that because it's rare to see someone so stupid taken so seriously by other stupid people. You're like an eclipse; we know we shouldn't watch, but we can't draw our eyes away and end up scarring our souls retinas.

Anyway, not satisfied by the collective ambivalence of her critics, Coulter promoted the "gay Clinton" agenda on Hardball (the lessons learned – if you want attention, you must: a) call 9/11 widows "whores"; or b) realize that no one watches Donny Deutsch). When asked by Chris Matthews if her opinion on Clinton was based on her own private life, Coulter responded no, that it was "a manifestly obvious fact…I mean, why would a promiscuous heterosexual man have, as I say, a whiff of the bathhouse about him?"

Uh, what?

Matthews tried again. You're joking, right?

"It's not only not a joke, it's not even surprising," Coulter insisted. "…[ Clinton's] wild promiscuity shows a fear and hostility [toward] women."

Right, Ann. Bill hates women and is so gay that he has no other choice than to bang any heifer who throws herself at him…and you're such a good American and Christian that you have no other choice but to spew hate and ignorance at anyone who focuses a TV camera on your anorexic mug.

Viral Video of the Day

So I'm usually way behind on the latest, greatest video circling the world wide web, blogosphere or information superhighway, but I think I may have gotten in on the ground floor on this one. It seems that Fox 5 New York reporter Jody Applegate was doing a stand-up on how easy it is for bicycle thieves to cut through chains. She had two Jeff Spicoli-like assistants to help demonstrate…and if Jody didn't know these boys were trouble when they said Word One in stoner speak, she deserved to be punked.

Anyway, watch the video and enjoy lines like these:

Oh, this is just tomato ketchup.

It's OK. We were just doing a ruse.

Folks – that's ketchup. Do not be upset. There are children watching!

That's right. Fox – the network that has won more Emmys for violence, vulgarity, lies and deception than all other networks combined – is worried about kids getting scared by a bad prank and fake blood. Luckily, a quick-thinking director cut away from the horrific and emotionally-scarring clip to go to a live feed from Lebanon.

Millions of divorces are fine, but two guys kissing will destroy American families!

I briefly touched on this issue the other day, but I think I'm ready to go a bit more into the issue now that the State of Washington Supreme Court yesterday upheld a law banning same-sex marriages. For those of you keeping score at home, this means that…

Massachusetts remains the only state that sanctions same-sex marriages. New York's highest court, by a vote of 4 to 2 earlier this month, upheld state laws limiting marriage to opposite-sex couples. The New Jersey Supreme Court is expected to rule soon on the legality of same-sex marriages there.

I know that this is discouraging news to anyone without a conservative nutjob agenda, but you can choose to view the glass as half full. You see, Washington's judiciary last addressed the issue of gay marriage in 1974. At that time an appeals court unanimously voted against the issue (yesterday's vote was 4-3) and the state Supreme Court refused to hear the case.

"You've gone in 32 years from something that was more or less a slam dunk to where the court is almost evenly and very bitterly divided," said William B. Rubenstein, a law professor at the University of California, Los Angeles, and author of Sexual Orientation and the Law. "The issue is in play."

Of course, don't get too optimistic. It's hard to feel hopeful when douchebags like this are gleefully celebrating:

"Today is a great day for marriage and the family," said Mathew D. Staver, the chairman of Liberty Counsel, a group that opposes the legal recognition of same-sex marriages. "We are pleased that this latest attempt by the homosexual agenda to radically redefine our culture has been stopped dead in its tracks."

The "homosexual agenda" is "radically redefining" our country? Guess again, asscunt. The radical change in our country – and the most viscous assault on the institutions of family and marriage – is coming from the tens of millions of heterosexual divorces. Go ahead – I dare you to tell me I'm wrong.

And how, pray tell, did the Washington Court reach its decision? "Limiting marriage to opposite-sex couples," Justice Barbara A. Madsen wrote in the [majority] opinion, "furthers procreation, essential to the survival of the human race…" Thank God Justice Madsen is looking out for the human race. I mean, we'd be on the brink of extinction without her, right?

Madsen continued her ill-informed and inflammatory opinion by claiming that a gay marriage ban "furthers the well-being of children by encouraging families where children are reared in homes headed by the children's biological parents." Does it? Because I could have sworn that there are tens of millions of American children being raised by non-biological heterosexual parents. If this were really the point, wouldn't Madsen and her slack-jawed yokel cronies have to also ban adoption, re-marriage and foster families?

Honestly, all Americans should be embarrassed that this civil rights issue is still on the table. Our legal system is supporting Jim Crow laws that discriminate against 10% of the population, yet we still take two steps backwards every time we make one step toward progress. Why aren't more of us outraged?

Glub Glub Glub, Five Yates in a Tub

Fourth trimester abortion advocate Andrea Yates was found not guilty by reason of insanity in her retrial for the bathtub drownings of her five young children. I don't have much to say about this; I was simply looking for an excuse to write "fourth trimester abortion advocate".

Quick Hits: Salon Selective

I subscribe to daily e-mail updates from Salon, which often serve as fodder for my brilliant posts. What happens, however, when I go away and the links pile up in my inbox? That's right – you get an oversized collection of stories and comments…and I have the nerve to call this shit "Quick Hits".

They can't all be douchebags, right? A Washington Post reporter had a very public, yet off-the-record lunch with a blue state GOP candidate (public in that teen heartthrob Bill Frist stopped by to say hello; private in that the reporter was not allowed to name his dining companion). Perhaps the political hopeful asked for anonymity because he had this to say:

Iraq : The war "didn't work" because "we didn't prepare for the peace."

Katrina: "A monumental failure of government."

Republicans in Congress: "We've lost our way, we've gone to the well and we drank the water, and we shouldn't have. You don't go to Congress to become the party that you've been fighting for 40 years."

The president: "In 2001, we were attacked and the president is on the ground, on a mound with his arm around the fireman, symbol of America. In Katrina, the president is at 30,000 feet in an airplane looking down at people dying, living on a bridge. And that disconnect, I think, sums up, for me at least, the frustration that Americans feel."

The president's refusal to admit failure in Iraq: "I don't know why the people around him don't see that. It is a frustration, to say the least. I think it is a lost opportunity to bring the American people along on a mission that is incredibly important."

The outlook: Being a Republican now is "an impediment ... a hurdle I have to overcome. I've got an 'R' here, a scarlet letter ... If this race is about Republicans and Democrats, I lose."

This guy's a Republican? He makes Joe Lieberman look like Dick Cheney! Actually, Joe does a pretty good job of that himself… Joementum my ass.

Mother knows best – my mom first told me about Josh Bolten's transcendent appearance on Meet the Press. But mom – what do you really think?

The latest outrage is that the interloper in the White House (Are you listening, Dick?) vetoed the stem cell bill and had the colossal nerve to say it was not political, but moral for him. I think that man (and most of his administration) is amoral. That was a blatant political move – having those "snowflake" babies and their families on TV. He has no moral fiber in my eyes… I though Tim Russert made mincemeat of the Chief of Staff, Josh Bolton, on this issue. I actually felt (a little) bad for this guy. I mused to dad that they can't possibly pay him enough for him to go on national TV and lie. But I guess they do.

Did I mention that my mom can't call George W. Bush "the president"? For a while, she was referring to him as "the man in the White House". Now, she's all about "the interloper". I think this one may have some legs…

Reading is Fundamental – on some level, you have to respect Karl Rove. No, not on any human levels, but on the way he can mold those around him into saying and doing stupid things (kind of like a balder, fatter, more evil version of Satan). His influence was apparent again last week when his attorney uttered this brilliant quip about the Valerie Plame lawsuit: " The allegations are without merit. We may comment further when we have an opportunity to review the complaint."

The quote truly sums up the Bush administration – a group of douchebags who came to power after recognizing that genuine knowledge is overrated, and reading is for pussy, commie liberals.

A sanctified solution – whenever someone opines that "homosexuals threaten the institution of marriage", I counter by saying that the sanctity of what my marriage is less threatened by gay relationships than by the 50% of straight couples who get divorced. Now, Representative Lincoln Davis (D-TN) has come up with an interesting – albeit tongue-in-cheek – solution:

If the sanctity of marriage is to be preserved, Davis deadpanned, Congress should "outlaw divorce" and make adultery "a felony." In addition, Davis said, "We should prevent those who commit adultery or get a divorce from running an office. Mr. Speaker, this House must lead by example. If we want those watching on C-SPAN to actually believe that we're serious about protecting marriage, then we should go after the other major threats to the institution."

Shit, its logic like this that's going to give Congress a good name again. Someone needs to stop this Davis character.

Better late than never? Representative Gil Gutknecht (R-MN), once one of the House's staunches supporters of Dubya's Folly (ooh, I like that one. Can I trademark it?), now is expressing doubts.

Gutknecht learned during his visit to Iraq that Baghdad is a "serious problem" and "worse today than it was three years ago." Another of Gutknecht's breaking-news discoveries: "We learned it's not safe to go anywhere outside of the Green Zone any part of the day."

It shouldn't take a trip to Baghdad to learn these things; anyone reading any reputable newspaper over the past year would have already known everything that Gutknecht just found out. So why didn't he? Gutknecht says he has been at the receiving end of faulty "spin" from the Bush administration, including claims that the violence in Iraq was being caused by just a few hundred insurgents. "All of the information we receive sometimes from the Pentagon and the State Department isn't always true," he says.

…Gutknecht says that if conditions don't improve quickly in Iraq, "Americans are going to start to losing faith in this thing."

I tell you, if Gutknecht ever loses his seat in the House, I will be the first to nominate him for the largely ceremonial position of Captain Obvious. What's next, Gil? "Yellow snow tastes like pee"? Thanks for the insight, dickwad.

Reason for hope – instead of being Peter Pessimism all the time, here's some reason for hope that our county – and lives – may be better after the November elections. This story includes news that PatRoW's favorite Land of the Lost-turned admiral-turned congressional candidate may actually unseat a GOP incumbent. Good times.

No PatRoW, No Cry

Bless me PatRoW for I have sinned; it has been 12 days since my last post.

Where have I been, you ask? No, I was not blacked out in my former 'hood (though a colleague of mine was) – actually I was out of the county attending to important matters (re: my tan).

So what will my first post back in the States be about? Let's see…there's the outbreak of WWIII, a stem cell bill in congress or Miss Puerto Rico winning the title of Miss Universe? No, as important as those stories are – and I will likely touch on all of them in the near future – today's inspiration comes from a much more important source.

That's right, folks: we have a new addition to The List.

So here's the deal: after a brief respite in Jamaica (which was lovely by the way. If you've never vacationed in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity, I whole-heartedly recommend it) I was booked on an Air Jamaica non-stop flight back to Chicago. The flight was scheduled to depart at 4:45 and arrive at O'Hare at 8:40 pm.

Sounds fine…but then a douchebag airline's douchebag policies stepped in.

You see, Air Jamaica likes to cancel its half-booked flights without regard to its passengers' schedules or preferences. I suppose they know that no one would intentionally travel with them a second time anyway, what with their hand-me-down planes and seats containing more support bars than a fold-out sofa bed. Also, what passenger is going to enjoy using blankets thinner than in-flight cocktail napkins? Couldn't you at least give out two-ply toilet paper you cheap, dreadlocked bastards?

Anyway, I arrived at the Montego Bay airport at 2:15 Thursday afternoon for my flight and got in line, only to learn that the flight was no longer leaving at 4:45, nor would it be going nonstop to Chicago. You see, Air Jamaica had cancelled its previous day's flight to Atlanta, stranding 50 passengers who, no doubt, had nothing important waiting for them at home. Rather than wheel out a plane for the stranded Atlanta passengers, Air Jamaica threw them on my re-routed Chicago plane. And just because they hadn't screwed us enough, the airline pushed back departure to 7:30.

That's fantastic. Instead of landing in Chicago at 8:40, I was 30,000 feet above Cuba. The clusterfuck came when we touched ground in Atlanta and were told that US Immigration policy dictated we deplane, clear customs, claim our baggage, re-check our baggage, pass through security, and get back on the same goddamn airplane !

We finally got into O'Hare at 1:15 am and a taxi brought me home at 2:30. Boy, I sure am happy I paid $50 extra for that direct flight.

Listen, I know that as far as travel horror stores go, mine was fairly mild. However, my experience had nothing to do with faulty equipment, dangerous weather, or God forbid, terrorist activity. No, my experience was completely preventable and caused by one airline's greed and shoddy policies. Listen, just because George Bush correctly assesses one-in-a-hundred delicate situations, he's still an idiot…and just because an airline plays reggae music and promotes Rastafarianism, it can still be on my list of douchebags.

McBillboard

This has nothing to do with douchebags or cunts or any of my other favorite topics, but it seems that McDonalds has recently put up a new billboard in my neighborhood…and it's one of the cooler billboards I've ever seen. Take a look. I don't know if it is enough to make me crave a McGriddle, but at least I will always check out the billboard when I'm passing by.

Hoosier Terrorist

Today's New York Times reports on a Department of Homeland Security list audit that implies terrorists plan to cripple the United States by attacking the home state of America's (or at least, Boston's) beloved Basketball Jesus. Salon bluntly explains the ramifications:

DHS's National Asset Database lists possible targets of terrorist attacks, and… Indiana appears in the database more often than any other state. We're talking one and a half times more often than New York. Twice as often as California. About 21 times as often as the District of Columbia.

Guess which of these "assets" was not named in the Times article: Old MacDonald's Petting Zoo, the Amish Country Popcorn factory, the Mule Day Parade, the Sweetwater Flea Market, the New York Stock Exchange, Nix's Check Cashing or Bean Fest?

OK, maybe that was too easy (besides, the audit only released the names of some of the more dubiously-named targets. Let's give DHS the benefit of the doubt – even if they don't deserve it – on some obvious selections). However, shouldn't the department be humiliated by the release of this information?

"We don't find it embarrassing," said the department's deputy press secretary, Jarrod Agen. "The list is a valuable tool."

Right…a "valuable tool" in protecting petting zoos in rural Alabama and animal parades an hour away from the third-largest city in Tennessee . Yeah, that seems about par for the course for this administration. But hey, at least the owners, operators, employees and patrons of the targets named are grateful for the government's attention, right?

"Seems like someone has gone overboard," said Larry Buss, who helps organize the Apple and Pork Festival in Clinton, Ill. "Their time could be spent better doing other things, like providing security for the country."

Angela McNabb, manager of the Sweetwater Flea Market, which is 50 miles from Knoxville, Tenn., said: "I don't know where they get their information. We are talking about a flea market here."

Hey Jarrod – will you let us know when you *do* find this embarrassing? We're starting an office pool and I'd appreciate any inside information.

Isn’t it Joe-ronic, don’t you think?

I recently posted about Joe Lieberman's eerily similar verbiage to a certain Pennsylvania Avenue douchebag, but now get this – Lieberman is running a TV ad criticizing his primary opponent for having a platform "short on ideas and long on anti-Lieberman sentiment" . What's wrong with that, you ask? Nothing, except that his proof is a lie more transparent than a Tahitian lagoon:

Lieberman's new TV ad's... evidence [is] a bumper sticker that says "No More Joe." The problem? As Factcheck.org reports, the Lamont campaign hasn't distributed any such bumper sticker, nor does it own the inactive Web site -- nomorejoe.com -- shown on the sticker in Lieberman's ad. "Overall, the Lieberman campaign is well within its rights to argue that Lamont's campaign lacks a positive message and is simply 'anti-Lieberman,'" Factcheck says. "But creating false campaign material and passing it off as authentic? That seems at odds with the ad's praise of Lieberman's 'principles.'"

George W. Lieberman still leads in Connecticut's senatorial polls, but the numbers can (and hopefully will) soon change unless Joe hires himself some fact-checkers. Really, most college students will work for less than the diminutive minimum wage your GOP butt buddies refuse to raise.

Asphincter sayswhat?

Apparently, I'm not the only one who likes to use the president's words against him to illustrate the man's idiocy. Salon has a nice timeline of Dubya's quotes (and the corresponding links from whence they came) to show a solid stretch of hypocrisy.

My favorite? When he claimed that he " learned some lessons about expressing myself maybe in a little more sophisticated manner", then admitted that he expressed regret for some of his less sophisticated Bush-isms only because "my wife got on me for talking that way".

I swear, one of these days I may run out of ways to call this guy a douche. Not today…but one of these days.

Highway to the Douchebag Zone

"Democratic" Senator Joe Lieberman debated his primary opponent last night at the same time CNN aired an interview Dubya and the missus did with Larry King. Salon asks an important question – can anyone tell the two douchebags apart? Let's look at some of their quotes:

1. "The decision to remove Saddam Hussein was the right decision and I'm absolutely convinced it was."

2. "And I believe it was the right thing for us to overthrow Saddam Hussein."

3. "Things don't happen quickly when it comes to helping a nation go from a tyranny to a democracy. But the Iraqi people were given a chance to vote and they did overwhelmingly. And now we're working with a new unity government, to help succeed.

4. "The situation in Iraq is a lot better, different than it was a year ago. The Iraqis held three elections. They formed a unity government. They are on the way to building a free and independent Iraq. Their military -- two-thirds of their military is now ready, on their own, to lead the fight with some logistical backing from the U.S. or stand up on their own totally. That's progress."

5. "I'd rather be judged as solving problems and being correct, rather than being popular."

6. "And I have asked [the people] to respect me for having the guts to take an unpopular political position."

7. "We will succeed in Iraq, unless we decide to quit."

8. " . . . we have a choice. And that choice is between helping the Iraqis achieve a free and independent Iraq or abandoning them and letting the terrorists take over."

So which one is George Bush, and which one is the one who proclaims himself "not George Bush"? The Republican president is responsible for statements 1, 3, 5 and 7. The Democrat senator -- for now -- can take credit for 2, 4, 6 and 8.

At least Lieberman didn't come out for the debate dressed in a flight suit and declaring "mission accomplished"…but why do I still get the feeling that he fashions himself Iceman to Dubya's Maverick?

Lieberman: You can be my wingman anytime, Georgie.

Bush: Bullshit! You can be mine, Joey.

Lieberman: Let's make out.

Bush: OK. Want a reach-around?

What? Am I the only one who saw Brokeback Squadron?

How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?

Finally, we have a definitive answer about why the Bush administration seems intent on smokescreens instead of addressing issues close to the hearts and minds of the American public: somebody stole his PB&J.

Monday's New York Times reports a disturbing tale of a senator who didn't keep his word…and the president who can't think about anything important because he wants him some deep fried turkey:

The jelling of the McCain-Bush relationship has included a series of gestures, some odd, on both sides. When Mr. McCain visited Mr. Bush at his ranch in Texas during the 2004 presidential campaign, he suggested to the president that he try cooking turkey with a turkey fryer, promising to rustle one up for him. Mr. McCain apparently forgot the promise until White House aides started calling Mr. McCain's office, saying the president was still waiting for his turkey fryer.

This would not have been such an egregious slight, if not for another McCain culinary insult originally reported by Newsweek in November 2000:

Aboard Bush's plane, [John] McCain's chief strategist, John Weaver, had--without thinking--pulled a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich off the snack cart and eaten it. Bush came aboard the plane and asked the flight attendant for his PB&J. She had to tell him it was gone. "It's gone?" Bush said, disbelieving and suddenly angry. "Who ate my peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich?" After a minute Weaver impishly raised his hand. "I did," he said. "Fine," said Bush. "Don't eat any more of his food," McCain cracked, sotto voce. A few people chuckled, and Bush returned to his seat to pout.

Jeez, McCain – why don't you just steal the guy's juice box too, you big bully. Who knew that the senator had so much in common with a P.S . 54 OD (that's "original douchebag")? And will the theft of his favorite, peanut buttery lunch doom Dubya's presidency the way it fractured the reign of a certain 1987 Sharing Club chief executive?

And yes, only one person in the world knows what I'm talking about. What can I say? I play to a very limited constituency.