No PatRoW, No Cry

Bless me PatRoW for I have sinned; it has been 12 days since my last post.

Where have I been, you ask? No, I was not blacked out in my former 'hood (though a colleague of mine was) – actually I was out of the county attending to important matters (re: my tan).

So what will my first post back in the States be about? Let's see…there's the outbreak of WWIII, a stem cell bill in congress or Miss Puerto Rico winning the title of Miss Universe? No, as important as those stories are – and I will likely touch on all of them in the near future – today's inspiration comes from a much more important source.

That's right, folks: we have a new addition to The List.

So here's the deal: after a brief respite in Jamaica (which was lovely by the way. If you've never vacationed in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity, I whole-heartedly recommend it) I was booked on an Air Jamaica non-stop flight back to Chicago. The flight was scheduled to depart at 4:45 and arrive at O'Hare at 8:40 pm.

Sounds fine…but then a douchebag airline's douchebag policies stepped in.

You see, Air Jamaica likes to cancel its half-booked flights without regard to its passengers' schedules or preferences. I suppose they know that no one would intentionally travel with them a second time anyway, what with their hand-me-down planes and seats containing more support bars than a fold-out sofa bed. Also, what passenger is going to enjoy using blankets thinner than in-flight cocktail napkins? Couldn't you at least give out two-ply toilet paper you cheap, dreadlocked bastards?

Anyway, I arrived at the Montego Bay airport at 2:15 Thursday afternoon for my flight and got in line, only to learn that the flight was no longer leaving at 4:45, nor would it be going nonstop to Chicago. You see, Air Jamaica had cancelled its previous day's flight to Atlanta, stranding 50 passengers who, no doubt, had nothing important waiting for them at home. Rather than wheel out a plane for the stranded Atlanta passengers, Air Jamaica threw them on my re-routed Chicago plane. And just because they hadn't screwed us enough, the airline pushed back departure to 7:30.

That's fantastic. Instead of landing in Chicago at 8:40, I was 30,000 feet above Cuba. The clusterfuck came when we touched ground in Atlanta and were told that US Immigration policy dictated we deplane, clear customs, claim our baggage, re-check our baggage, pass through security, and get back on the same goddamn airplane !

We finally got into O'Hare at 1:15 am and a taxi brought me home at 2:30. Boy, I sure am happy I paid $50 extra for that direct flight.

Listen, I know that as far as travel horror stores go, mine was fairly mild. However, my experience had nothing to do with faulty equipment, dangerous weather, or God forbid, terrorist activity. No, my experience was completely preventable and caused by one airline's greed and shoddy policies. Listen, just because George Bush correctly assesses one-in-a-hundred delicate situations, he's still an idiot…and just because an airline plays reggae music and promotes Rastafarianism, it can still be on my list of douchebags.