I’d settle for Addams Family Values

In a move designed to be a smokescreen on issues they can't hope to win in November's elections, House Republicans released this week their "American Values Agenda" – also known as Operation Stop Looking at Iraq: Nothing to See Here, Move Along, Move Along.

Oh, the logic behind the AVA *sounds* peachy keen. "Through this agenda, we will work to protect the faith of our people, the sanctity of life and freedoms outlined by our founding fathers," House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Illinois) said in a statement released by his office.

But what is this American Values Agenda really all about, you ask? Here's a list of legislation the GOP is readying for the campaign stretch run:

The Pledge Protection Act. The Freedom to Display the American Flag Act. The Public Expression of Religion Act. The Marriage Amendment. The Unborn Child Pain Awareness Act. The Human Cloning Prohibition Act. Reform of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. A ban on Internet gambling. Permanent tax relief for families. And the Disaster Recovery Personal Protection Act.

That last one sounds pretty reasonable, but you want to know what it really is? According to the Library of Congress, the Disaster Recovery Personal Protection Act is a bill that would "amend the Robert T. Stafford Disaster Relief and Emergency Assistance Act to prohibit the confiscation of firearms during certain national emergencies."

(You know, because post-Katrina New Orleans was a much safer place with all them redneck wackos – and Sean Penn – running around with shotguns.)

I sure am glad that we have the GOP looking after our most pressing concerns. Now that they're making me aware about how painful it is being an unborn child (???) and protecting my freedom to display the American flag (as long as its not burning), I don't have to worry about all that depressing stuff in the news like government corruption, falling educational standards, shaky national security, spiraling debt and thousands of dead American soldiers. By focusing attention on meaningless legislation and avoiding actual governance, the Republicans are telling us that there are no real worries in our world.

I'd thank God for these douchebags our fearless congressional leaders, but don't want to get into trouble until the Public Expression of Religion Act gets passed into law.