Reading between the Lines

So I took another week plus off. Sue me. Can't a man go to Vegas, win lots of money, spend foolishly and debaucherously, lose lots of money, get limbs broken by burley goons and return home a shell of his former self? In my America he can!

Anyway, what better way to get back into the groove than by returning to an old PatRoW favorite – poking fun at a speech given by President Bush ! This was one he made yesterday, alongside Iraqi puppet Prime Minister Maliki (no, not that one – this guy apparently never pitched for the Mets):

PRESIDENT BUSH: Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for this opportunity to visit with your cabinet. I have expressed our country's desire to work with you, but I appreciate you recognizing the fact that the future of this country is in your hands.

In other words, I'm taking credit for any success, but it's your fault if shit gets blown up.

The decisions you and your cabinet make will be determinate as to whether or not a country succeeds that can govern itself, sustain itself, and defend itself.

As long as those decisions don't interefere with me and my cabinet. In that case, you can govern, sustain and defend your ass...but it won't much matter.

I'm impressed by the strength of your character and your desire to succeed. And I'm impressed by your strategy.

And I'm impressed by people who know their multiplication tables. Ain't it crazy about the number nine? Whenever you times it out, the numbers always add up to nine. I've got some geeks over at NASA trying to find an exception, but so far, nothing. I'm also impressed by fish – how do they hold their breath so long?

We discussed the security strategy. We discussed an economic strategy, a reconstruction strategy. And all of it makes sense to me.

The security strategy? Don't die. The economic strategy? Make more money. The reconstruction strategy? Build more buildings. If only an exit strategy was as simple…

And so I've come to not only look you in the eye…

Don't look him in the eye! Oh that's right…this isn't Cheney. I thought for a second we would have to call the prime minister Iraqi Pillar of Salt Maliki.

…I've also come to tell you that when America gives its word, it will keep its word.

Kinda like how a genie in a magic lamp keeps his word. You know, when you say "I want a big penis", he turns you into a horse or an over-the-hill drummer with Hepatitis C.

It's in our interests that Iraq succeed.

And when I say "our interests", of course I mean me and my buddies. And when I say "succeed", of course I mean line our pockets and pillage Iraq's natural resources. And when I say "hey" you say "ho".

It's not only in the interests of the Iraqi people, it's in the interests of the American people and for people who love freedom.

"People who love freedom"? This is Bush's version of calling someone "fun loving". Shit everyone loves freedom and everyone loves fun. Hitler thought genocide was fun – he was one crazy, fun-loving guy! Well guess what? Osama bin Laden loves freedom too – why else is he hiding from our forces in the Pakistani mountains? If he wasn't such a freedom lover, wouldn't he have already turned himself in?

Iraq is a part of the war on terror.

Some would say Iraq IS the war on terror. Or, you know, at least a distraction from the real war on terror.

And so, Mr. Prime minister, I want to thank you for giving me and my Cabinet a chance to hear from you personally and a chance to meet the members of this team you've assembled. It's an impressive group of men and women, and if given the right help, I'm convinced you will succeed.

They all know that they're just figureheads, right? Don't y'all go thinking about making any real plans now, ya hear? Remember, I'm the decider – except when Laura tells me I can't go outside in my Scooby Doo pajamas. She's good with decisions like that.