El presidente was in fine form this morning, cracking wise during his announcement of Tony Snow as press secretary – a briefing dubbed by the Washington Post as the "President Bush and Tony Show". Boy, it sure is good to know that these douchebags can laugh at something other than getting drunk and shooting lawyers in the face.
Anyhoot, since picking apart the man's speeches has always been a blast, I thought I'd do so again today. Strap in, kids:
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning.
Is it? Did Cheney die in his sleep? Oh that's right – he doesn't sleep…or eat…or breathe. He does take massive shits though, laying steaming piles of turd all over our Constitution.
I'm here in the briefing room to break some news. I've asked Tony Snow to serve as my new press secretary.
Break some news? Hey, I've got a scoop for you – President Bush is a ninny (that's right – I said it).
Tony already knows most of you, and he's agreed to take the job anyway.
Stop it. My sides are literally splitting. Call a surgeon.
I am confident he will help you do your job. My job is to make decisions, and his job is to help explain those decisions to the press corps and the American people.
This shit again? Dude, we get it. You can make a decision…not necessarily a *good* decision, but what does that matter?
He understands like I understand that the press is vital to our democracy.
Unless the press criticizes the president, the administration's policies or our penchant for committing criminal acts. Then they're all commies.
He's going to work hard to provide you with timely information about my philosophy, my priorities, and the actions we're taking to implement our agenda.
Who cares about accurate information as long as it's timely, right?
He's taught children in Kenya. He belongs to a rock band called Beats Working.
He's a Capricorn. He ties his shoelaces in double-knots. He flosses twice a day.
He succeeds a decent and talented man in Scott McClellan.
Why is everyone in the room laughing so hard? What's so funny? I didn't even get to the punchline yet. Laura, make them be nice to me!
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