Mustachioed Chauvinist Pig

ESPN's Bill Simmons has opined about an athlete reaching "I'm Keith Hernandez status", taken from the great first baseman's epic appearance on Seinfeld. Says the Sports Guy:

When an athlete reaches "I'm Keith Hernandez" status and their confidence becomes simply outrageous – that's when you know someone is in the zone. That was one of my favorite Larry Bird moments, the Dallas game in '86 when they were down two on TBS with like 10 seconds left, so he pulled up in the open court and drained a crazy running 3, with the implicit understanding being, "You know what? This is a ridiculous shot, but I'm Larry Bird and I'm on national TV, and I can do things like this."

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to report that Keith Hernandez himself has reached "I'm Keith Hernandez" status. That's right – not only did he steal Ron Burgundy's look, but Hernandez has swiped the anchorman's attitude as well.

Broadcasting the Mets-Padres game on Saturday night, the mustachioed one noticed a woman high-fiving Mike Piazza after a homerun. "Who is the girl in the dugout, with the long hair?" Hernandez said. "What's going on here? You have got to be kidding me. Only player personnel in the dugout."

OK, that's not so bad, right? Unfortunately, Hernandez wasn't done channeling his inner Archie Bunker.

Hernandez found out later in the broadcast that Calabrese has been with the Padres training staff since 2004, but stood by his comment that she didn't belong with the team during a game.

"I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout," Hernandez said.

Uh…ouch. Can you say "fired"? And on the day that Opie and Anthony announce their return to terrestrial radio, no less.

Sports Net New York producers were quick to prevent their announcer from digging himself a deeper grave. Word is that during the same broadcast, several more of Hernandez's rants were censored before they hit the air. Lucky, PatRoW has obtained a copy of the raw tape and can post some of the highlights:

· On the Mets' ace pitcher – I won't say that Pedro Martinez should stop jumping on the bed, but his wife did just put Velcro on the ceiling.

· On relationships – I can't imagine having anything to say to a woman with two black eyes…because she's already been told twice.

· On Brooklyn Dodger legend Sandy Koufax – I won't say that Jews have a lot in common with pizza. After all, pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

· On America's immigration crisis – I won't say that scientists should try to cross a Mexican with an octopus, but the result could sure pick the shit out of lettuce!

· On alternative lifestyles – I won't say that you can compare gay guys to kitchen appliances, because when you pull meat out of the freezer it doesn't fart!

Who does this guy think he is? Oh that's right…"I'm Keith Hernandez".