Words Fail Me

When it comes to the two-spot, plug it with a stud

You couldn't make this shit up.

The Decider Strikes Back

El presidente was in fine form this morning, cracking wise during his announcement of Tony Snow as press secretary – a briefing dubbed by the Washington Post as the "President Bush and Tony Show". Boy, it sure is good to know that these douchebags can laugh at something other than getting drunk and shooting lawyers in the face.

Anyhoot, since picking apart the man's speeches has always been a blast, I thought I'd do so again today. Strap in, kids:

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning.

Is it? Did Cheney die in his sleep? Oh that's right – he doesn't sleep…or eat…or breathe. He does take massive shits though, laying steaming piles of turd all over our Constitution.

I'm here in the briefing room to break some news. I've asked Tony Snow to serve as my new press secretary.

Break some news? Hey, I've got a scoop for you – President Bush is a ninny (that's right – I said it).

Tony already knows most of you, and he's agreed to take the job anyway.

Stop it. My sides are literally splitting. Call a surgeon.

I am confident he will help you do your job. My job is to make decisions, and his job is to help explain those decisions to the press corps and the American people.

This shit again? Dude, we get it. You can make a decision…not necessarily a *good* decision, but what does that matter?

He understands like I understand that the press is vital to our democracy.

Unless the press criticizes the president, the administration's policies or our penchant for committing criminal acts. Then they're all commies.

He's going to work hard to provide you with timely information about my philosophy, my priorities, and the actions we're taking to implement our agenda.

Who cares about accurate information as long as it's timely, right?

He's taught children in Kenya. He belongs to a rock band called Beats Working.

He's a Capricorn. He ties his shoelaces in double-knots. He flosses twice a day.

He succeeds a decent and talented man in Scott McClellan.

Why is everyone in the room laughing so hard? What's so funny? I didn't even get to the punchline yet. Laura, make them be nice to me!

Everything has Changed; Absolutely Nothing’s Changed

In a move that PatRoW (and hundreds of other sources) boldly predicted last week , the White House has named Tony Snow as its new press secretary. Yawn. Will the new secretary be as far up Dubya's ass as was his predecessor? Snow's defenders seem to think he won't…and then the douche goes and opens up his own mouth

William Kristol, who worked with Snow in the White House of George H.W. Bush and was a regular panelist on ""Fox News Sunday" when Snow anchored the show, invoked the Fox News slogan in saying: "It will be good to have a fair and balanced press secretary."

Sounds good (and frankly, I always get a kick when someone uses the words "fair and balanced" in the same breathe as Fox "News"). What does the secretary say?

[Snow] has described the press corps as a beast that must be constantly fed. In a December 2000 column in the Washington Times, he referred to "Democrats and journalists (but I repeat myself)."

Yeah – that sounds fair and balanced. I can see the New York Times headline now: Secretary Douchebag, Part Two.

OK, maybe not the Times…but I can use the headline, right?

Mustachioed Chauvinist Pig

ESPN's Bill Simmons has opined about an athlete reaching "I'm Keith Hernandez status", taken from the great first baseman's epic appearance on Seinfeld. Says the Sports Guy:

When an athlete reaches "I'm Keith Hernandez" status and their confidence becomes simply outrageous – that's when you know someone is in the zone. That was one of my favorite Larry Bird moments, the Dallas game in '86 when they were down two on TBS with like 10 seconds left, so he pulled up in the open court and drained a crazy running 3, with the implicit understanding being, "You know what? This is a ridiculous shot, but I'm Larry Bird and I'm on national TV, and I can do things like this."

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to report that Keith Hernandez himself has reached "I'm Keith Hernandez" status. That's right – not only did he steal Ron Burgundy's look, but Hernandez has swiped the anchorman's attitude as well.

Broadcasting the Mets-Padres game on Saturday night, the mustachioed one noticed a woman high-fiving Mike Piazza after a homerun. "Who is the girl in the dugout, with the long hair?" Hernandez said. "What's going on here? You have got to be kidding me. Only player personnel in the dugout."

OK, that's not so bad, right? Unfortunately, Hernandez wasn't done channeling his inner Archie Bunker.

Hernandez found out later in the broadcast that Calabrese has been with the Padres training staff since 2004, but stood by his comment that she didn't belong with the team during a game.

"I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout," Hernandez said.

Uh…ouch. Can you say "fired"? And on the day that Opie and Anthony announce their return to terrestrial radio, no less.

Sports Net New York producers were quick to prevent their announcer from digging himself a deeper grave. Word is that during the same broadcast, several more of Hernandez's rants were censored before they hit the air. Lucky, PatRoW has obtained a copy of the raw tape and can post some of the highlights:

· On the Mets' ace pitcher – I won't say that Pedro Martinez should stop jumping on the bed, but his wife did just put Velcro on the ceiling.

· On relationships – I can't imagine having anything to say to a woman with two black eyes…because she's already been told twice.

· On Brooklyn Dodger legend Sandy Koufax – I won't say that Jews have a lot in common with pizza. After all, pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

· On America's immigration crisis – I won't say that scientists should try to cross a Mexican with an octopus, but the result could sure pick the shit out of lettuce!

· On alternative lifestyles – I won't say that you can compare gay guys to kitchen appliances, because when you pull meat out of the freezer it doesn't fart!

Who does this guy think he is? Oh that's right…"I'm Keith Hernandez".

Quick Hits – Crazy Chicks, a Blonde Ditz and Teen Tits

Quick Hits – why ramble for 1,000 words when a stupid one-line joke will suffice?

Emotional Wiring Different in Men and Women – in other words: men are from Mars, women are fucking crazy.

Vanna White Gets Hollywood Walk Star – apparently, Vanna wants to make sure the world remembers that she, not Paris Hilton, is the least talented famous woman in Hollywood.

Said White, "I remember my parents telling me at the age of 10, 'You can do anything you want.' Dad, we did it!" Did you, Vanna? Did you really?

Test Pilot Scott Crossfield Killed in Crash – in other ironic news, Andrea Yates died yesterday in her bathtub, Susan Smith drove her car into a river and Scott Peterson has drowned at sea. The world will mourn the lost punchlines.

Judge Rules Law Invalid for Teen Sex – damn, I don't even know what this story is about…but it's fucking sexy!

Scotty's Legacy

Big ups to an anonymous PatRoW loyalist, fantasy baseball doormat and future Goodwill colleague (no jinx intended) for forwarding this story. It is quite reassuring to know that someone can succeed in the executive branch of American government because of – not in spite of – his inadequacies.

The entire piece is brilliant, but here are the basics:

McClellan's specialty was noncommunication; what's remarkable about him as a choice for press secretary is that he had no special talent for *explaining* Bush's policies to the world. In fact, he usually made things less clear by talking about them. Why use a bad explainer and a rotten communicator as your spokesman before the entire world?

… if the goal is to skate through unquestioned -- because the gaps in your explanations are so large to start with -- then to refuse to explain is a demonstration of raw presidential power. (As in "never apologize, never explain.") … Not to be persuasive, but to refute the assumption that there was anyone the White House needed or wanted to persuade… The very notion of persuasion conceded more to democratic politics than the Bush forces wanted to concede.

The same goes for spin. Anyone who talks about McClellan "spinning" the press has got the wrong idea. The premise of spin is that by artful restatement the facts can be made to look better for the president. But McClellan's speaking style is artless in the extreme. He's terrible at spin…spinning is improvisational. It requires you to think on your feet. McClellan was terrible at that too: wooden and unconvincing. He was not a phrase-maker, and he had no natural eloquence...Under pressure McClellan got more excruciatingly thick-headed and often belligerent, provoking belligerence back.

In what sense are these qualifications for the job of press secretary? Well, McClellan was there to make executive power more illegible, which is the way Bush, Dick Cheney (especially Cheney) and Karl Rove want it. Being inarticulate in public is basic to that goal.

Michael Wolff, in an effective profile of McClellan for Vanity Fair, noticed this. "Because Scott couldn't talk, he wouldn't be able to say anything for himself," Wolff writes. "His lack of verbal acumen, his lack of dexterity with a subordinate clause, becomes another part of the way to control the White House message in a White House obsessed with such control."

Let's see…no special talent, an artless speaking style, no natural eloquence, thick-headed and belligerent, AND a lack of verbal acumen? Holy shit, Karl Rove just got a hard-on thinking about his next puppet presidential candidate!

Should we stay or should we go?

Today PatRoW brings you a point/counterpoint of sorts, although it may more accurately be described as fact/anti-fact (you try to guess which is which).

Bush Says Failure in Iraq 'Not an Option' (but failure in the White House is five years, three months and counting!)

Actually, I liked reading about a delegation of American governors who returned from a visit with our troops in Afghanistan. Apparently, the men and women of our armed forces fully believe in their cause. Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels said the troops' commitment to the mission in Iraq "is unanimous. They believe they are doing something important."

Remember that comment when you read this: Bloggers fanning the controversy over Rumsfeld.

Remember that whole "unanimous commitment" thingy? Yeah, uh…not so much. It turns out that a growing number of soldiers abroad are using their down time (you know, when they're not being shot at, spit on or blow'd up) to voice their discontent:

In the relative safety of anonymity, some military bloggers have fanned the controversy swirling around their civilian bosses. One man, describing himself as a helicopter pilot, ''Outlaw 13," who posts on guidons.blogspot.com, wrote that ''a lot of folks in the head shed have heartburn with" Rumsfeld.

Others posting comments don't hold their fire: ''The whole [expletive] bunch, from the [secretary of defense] on down did a [expletive]-poor job. So, as usual, the grunts pay the price," wrote another blogger on the site.

So which is it? Are our troops universally committed to America's occupation of two Middle Eastern countries, or are they – like a majority of Americans – feeling confused and betrayed about misrepresented justifications and an ever-growing list of causalities?

Like the song says – if we go there may be trouble, but if we stay there will be double. Who knew the Clash were clairvoyant?

High Holy Day

Scotty's out. Hallelujah!

In honor of this momentous (and long overdue) day, let's remember all of the good things Scott McClellan did as White House press secretary.

…

…

…

Got all that? Good, because we're moving on to Tony Snow, the Fox News pundit and Bush shill who is rumored to be on the short list to replace McClellan as Douchebag Administration mouthpiece. Salon helps better acquaint us with the man:

In an appearance on Fox earlier this year, Snow claimed that Valerie Plame wasn't a covert CIA officer at the time the Bush administration blew her cover, adding, "even her husband says she wasn't covert for six years." Plame's husband, former ambassador Joseph Wilson, has never said any such thing.

In a posting to his blog, Snow said that the White House ought to send flowers and chocolates to the New York Times reporters who broke the warrantless-spying story. Snow said the reporters had "saved the Bush presidency" by revealing that the president was doing such a good job of keeping tabs on al-Qaida, and he suggested that the story would work to Bush's political and polling advantage. Engaging in exactly the sort of false-choice argument he had made repeatedly, Snow wrote: "If we try to fight the war on terror with eyes shut and ears packed with wax, innocent people will die."

In a column on Iraq in December, Snow said it would be easy to call "Jack Murtha, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid or any of the other wheezy prophets of the Defeatocrat Party as oddities were it not for the fact that their position on Iraq is deeply consonant with what the Modern Democratic Party has believed for 50 years." He then said that Democrats were stupidly -- and dangerously -- rejecting the president's "infinitely variable approach to the ever-shifting situation in Iraq" with a "weird faith in plans."

In a column following the vice president's shooting of Texas attorney Harry Whittington, Snow said reporters who pressed for answers were "fools" who had forgotten "the importance of behaving like human beings, rather than velociraptors." He added: "Most of us have tasted the milk of human kindness, and thus incline to support victims of unforeseen hardships or tragedies, and Dick Cheney clearly fell into that category. He was a man in distress."

To recap: Snow's a liar, an idiot, has no concept of reality and thinks that Dick Cheney deserves to "taste the milk of human kindness" after his failed murder attempt of Harry Whittington. I also like it how he compares the media – the very people with whom he would have to develop a close working relationship as press secretary – to vicious, carnivorous dinosaurs.

Lovely. Is it possible that I'll be pining for Scotty in a few weeks?

Do any of the voices know how to pronounce ‘nuclear’?

When Google News runs a link titled "Bush Hears Voices", you can bet your ass I'm going to click. And while I'm somewhat disappointed that the "voices" are not a manifestation of his psychotic break, I do find it somewhat reassuring that Dubya recognizes that the American people think he's an idiot.

In this week's New York Observer , Joe Conason asks if the president merely hears, or if he is capable of listening to the growing number of dissenters:

"I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation," said the President of the United States, sounding as peevish as a toddler banging his silver spoon on the high chair. "But I'm the decider, and I decide what's best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense."

By reminding everybody that he is "the decider," George W. Bush no doubt hoped to stifle embarrassing protests from a growing corps of retired officers such as General Anthony Zinni, who believe that the war in Iraq has been ruinously botched and that the Secretary of Defense should retire. But his defensive outburst only drew attention to the most deserving target of criticism: himself.

What a douche. I can hear the SNL spoof now: "I'm the decider. I decide things. I make decisions because I have decision-making power. I am decisive – that means I stick to what I decide."

Conason also introduces his readers to the growing number of decorated soldiers and "Iraq veterans who are stepping forward to run for Congress as Democrats":

Among those candidates is Joe Sestak, a retired vice admiral seeking to unseat Curt Weldon, the entrenched (and truly egregious) Republican incumbent in Pennsylvania's Seventh District. During his 31-year career in the Navy, Mr. Sestak's assignments ranged from commanding a battle group in the Persian Gulf to serving on the National Security Council staff and overseeing the Quadrennial Defense Review. (He also happens to have earned a master's in public administration and a doctorate in government from Harvard.)

Contrary to rumors started by Paul Wolfowitz, Sestak is not, in fact, a large, bug-eyed creature from the Land of the Lost. That's a relief…although I'd still vote for him anyway.

Where’s Spiderman when you need him?

I bet if Mary Jane Watson was in the car, Peter Parker would have come to the rescue a lot sooner than did city workers.

"He stinks, and I don't like him." Thank you, Surly Truck Driver.

Silent Birth = Delicious Afterbirth?

Tom Cruise (and Scientologists in general) makes a fairly easy target, and I don't mind taking a pot shot or two. However, the latest headline may be a bit much:

Tom Cruise to snack on placenta after baby's birth?

Judging by its appearance in over 100 Google News sources, the story appears to be legitimate and not entirely unprecedented:

The practice of eating placenta is not a new one and many remote tribes are known to devour the childbirth by-product. Some cultures also believe the snack can make a woman fertile. The practice, called placentophagy, is also believed to alleviate postpartum depression if practiced by the new mother. The Chinese use human placenta in the manufacture of traditional medicines as well.

The latest issue of GQ breaks this appetizing story and quotes the more feminine half of TomKat as saying, "I'm gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there."

At this point, is there anything Cruise could say or do that would surprise us anymore? I'm half expecting him to snatch his test tube-conceived fetus from Katei Holmes' neglected womb, light its scalp on fire, proclaim his offspring to be the reincarnation of the Egyptian God Ra, then pull out his cock boast about its mystical healing powers.

Actually, that would be one Tom Cruise movie I'd pay to see…

Quick Hits – Rummy, Fatty and Douchey

Retired Maj. General: 'We need a new secretary of defense'– and while we're at it, how about a new President, Vice President, cabinet, Congress, a couple of new Supreme Court Justices , and for fuck's sake, a NEW PRESS SECRETARY !!!

Device helps find fat gene – I'm going to go out on a limb here and voice my ethical objection to implanting GPS microchips in obese people's blubber. Are fatties really that hard to find? I mean, it's not like Gene could get very far without winding himself.

'South Park' Creators Skewer Own Network – OK, we're going to spend a little time on this one…but exactly where should I direct my venom? The choices are:

1. Comedy Central's hypocrisy

2. Islam's need to take a chill pill

3. Bill Donohue calling Matt and Trey "whores"

Actually, that's not a tough decision at all. Choice #1 has been written about ad nauseam and choice #2 could get me blowed up. Looks like we have a winner by default ("Woo hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language – de fault, de fault, de fault!").

Not to be confused with the deposed talk show host, William Donohue is the president of the Catholic League – a group with no official ties to the Church that nonetheless feels compelled to lash out against anyone or anything that remotely threatens its ideology. Relishing in his constitutionally-protected rights of speech and religion, Donohue called on the South Park creators to resign (he apparently thinks no one else should be afforded the same freedoms as himself):

"The ultimate hypocrite is not Comedy Central – that's their decision not to show the image of Muhammad or not – it's Parker and Stone," he said. "Like little whores, they'll sit there and grab the bucks. They'll sit there and they'll whine and they'll take their shot at Jesus. That's their stock in trade."

Does it go without saying that Billy Boy makes The List? I am certainly not above branding people I've never met with vulgar titles, but for the sake of argument, let's examine some of Mr. Donohue's other pearls of wisdom:

Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular. It's not a secret, okay? And I'm not afraid to say it. Hollywood likes anal sex. They like abortions. [MSNBC, Scarborough Country, 12/8/04]

---

I'm pretty good about picking out who queers are. [MSNBC, Scarborough Country, 3/12/04]

---

I'm saying if a Catholic votes for Kerry because they support him on abortion rights, that is to cooperate in evil. [MSNBC, Hardball, 10/21/04]

And the topper: (while commenting on why mainstream American actors like Billy Zane and Gary Busey would star in an anti-American and anti-Semitic film like Valley of the Wolves Iraq):

"There are people in Hollywood…who are nothing more than harlots. They will do anything for the buck. They wouldn't care. If you asked them to sodomize their own mother in a movie, they would do so, and they would do it with a smile on their face." [MSNBC, Scarborough Country, 2/9/06]

That's Bill Donohue, douchebag extraordinaire and Jesus' pride and joy. We're supposed to take this guy seriously?

Woot-Off!

Let me take a break from playing Charlie cynical and instead play consumer advocate. If you haven't Woot'd today, you don't know what you're missing.

Woot is a novelty in the world of online commerce; instead of selling thousands of items from a vast, anonymous warehouse, Woot sells one item each day. You heard me right – it's truly "One Day, One Deal". Each day at midnight central time a new Woot is put up – usually its something techy, and its always priced 5 – 25% lower than you can find elsewhere online.

Quantities are limited, so if you don't act fast you can often miss out on the really cool stuff. Woot fans are known to be a rabid bunch and many stay up late just to see what that day's Woot is.

On extremely rare occasions – today being one of them – Woot changes formats. Ladies and gents, we are currently in the midst of a Woot-Off. In an attempt to clear inventory from the Woot Warehouse, a new item is being put up for sale as soon as the old one is sold out (it's a lot more exciting than it sounds…trust me). Here is a sample of the first few items for sale in today's Woot Off (time/quantity available/price/description appear below):

12:00 AM . .1000 . . . $49.99 . . Western Digital Caviar 250GB Hard Drive
12:22 AM . . . 30 . . . $79.99 . . Koolvac KV-1 Robotic Vacuum
12:29 AM . . 200 . . . $22.99 . . Logitech Mobile Traveller Bluetooth Headset
12:37 AM . . 100 . . .. $9.99 . . Sushi at Home Kit for 4
12:43 AM . . . 30 . . . $49.99 . . Lightning Audio Complete Bass System
12:51 AM . . . 65 . . .. $4.99 . . World Series of Poker Wireless Plug and Play 15-in-1 TV Game
12:57 AM . . . 30 . . . $29.99 . . Zodiac Radar and Laser Detector
01:03 AM . . . 40 . . $189.99 . . iRiver 20GB Portable Media Player
01:16 AM . . . 69 . . . $39.99 . . BFG GeForce FX5500 OC 128MB 8x AGP Video Card
01:24 AM . . . 10 . . . $39.99 . . Monster Big Screen TV Kit
01:30 AM . . 200 . . . $49.99 . . Gyration Ultra GT Full-Size Keyboard Suite
02:14 AM . . . 86 . . . $14.99 . . Xact M3X X-Linx Two-Way FRS Radio – 2 Pack
02:34 AM . . 400 . . . $29.99 . . Nikko 1/14 Scale R/C Lamborghini Murcielago
05:56 AM . . . 66 . . . $29.99 . . The Ultimate Matrix Collection Limited Edition Collector's Set
06:04 AM . . 200 . . . $89.99 . . Voq Professional Unlocked GSM Smartphone
07:20 AM . . . 80 . . . $49.99 . . Memorex Dual Layer 16x DVDR/RW USB2.0/Firewire
07:27 AM . . 500 . . . $24.99 . . Microsoft Optical Desktop Elite Wireless Keyboard & Mouse
07:41 AM . . 200 . . . $249.99 . . Audiovox Portable 10" LCD TV with DVD Player & In-Car Mounting Kit
09:49 AM . . . 60 . . . $39.99 . . Salton Fresh Soy Food Center
10:16 AM . .1500 . .. $49.99 . . Western Digital Caviar 250GB Hard Drive
10:30 AM . . . 50 . . . $599.99 . . Denon DVD Entertainment System with iPod compatibility

As you can see, some of it is high-priced gadgetry, while other Woots are cheap and useless (the Soy Food Center was a puzzling item, to say the least. Exactly how much soy milk does anyone really need to make themselves, especially when you can make only 5 ounces at a time?).

If you haven't Woot'd yet, I would strongly encourage you to do so (I can't believe I got a 250 GB hard drive for less than I paid for an 80 GB one two months ago!). There is no telling when the current Woot-Off will end; some have lasted just hours, others days. The more often you check the site, the better prepared you will be to snatch up the perfect Woot when it comes along!

One last thing: at all costs, you must be ready for the Bride of Chucky. You will not be disappointed ( wiki Woot will tell you why).

Douche Bigalow

I found this link on another blog, which really just linked to the article on Salon. However, since I hate Scott McClellan more than I have ever hated someone whom I have not met, I feel compelled to be a bit derivative today:

Scott McClellan: Plenty of criticism, no answers

Pardon my French, but this man is a jerk.

Too risqué for you? He's also a heaping pile of cunt.

Heckofa New Job

Now that PatRoW fever has spread to the Deep South, I feel compelled to address an issue in the hearts and minds of my friends in the hurricane-ravaged Gulf region.

(What is the statute of limitations for saying "hurricane-ravaged" anyway? Is it proportionate to the severity of the storm, or will we be referring to New Orleans as "hurricane ravaged" until our short attention spans are interrupted by the next horrific natural disaster?)

Anyway, it seems that Louisiana's St. Bernard Parish is considering hiring former FEMA chief Michael Brown to help it navigate the maze of federal funding bureaucracy. We all remember Brownie, right? At this point, no one should need to examine the résumé of a man who famously did a "heckofa job" in his last position.

Despite the partial restoration of his reputation thanks to some convincing video evidence , many people still hold Brown at fault for the government's poor preparation and slow response to Hurricane Katrina. And yet, his expertise and " understanding of the system's red tape would speed the flow of federal recovery money, said Parish President Henry 'Junior' Rodriguez."

Of course, some crybabies can never get over a little tragedy:

"Do we hire an individual to assist in our recovery efforts who as FEMA director resigned two weeks after Katrina made landfall?" asked Republican state senator Walter Boasso. "We were in the middle of the worst natural disaster in our nation's history."

If you ask me, hiring Brownie is the perfect choice for a region and citizenry on the mend. In fact, such a decision would be in line with several other previously unthinkable consulting deals that have been brokered in recent months…like:

· OJ Simpson for the National Organization of Women

· Bernie Goetz for the NAACP

· Scott McClellan for Pathological Liars Anonymous

· Alberto Gonzalez for the ACLU

· Bill O'Reilly for Sweet Jesus I Hate Bill O'Reilly

· Scott Peterson for Right to Life movement

· Barbara Streisand for Hamas

· Michael Moore for the NRA

Ah, irony – it cuts like a knife…right OJ?

Arrogance is Bliss

You have to hand it to these assholes – they sure know how to shirk responsibility like few others in history.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall of a Bush administration strategy meeting. I don't know how I would handle illegal invasions and disclosure of classified information (perhaps those things wouldn't happen under my watch...but I digress), but these guys do it with gusto – they lie through their stinking teeth!

"After we liberated Iraq, there were questions in people's minds about the basis on which we made statements," Bush said in a question-and-answer session Monday before the Johns Hopkins School of Advanced International Studies in Washington. "I wanted people to see what some of those statements were based on. I wanted people to see the truth."

To clarify – Bush wanted "people to see the truth" about his war justification lies, so he lied about how he illegally leaked this information to the public. Someone should really tell the guy that while three lefts do, in fact, make a right, three wrongs do not.

Scotty's Gotta Go!

Calling out around the world - are you ready for a brand new beat? Summer's here and the time is right for dancing in the street!

OK, so it's not quite summer yet (although it might push 70 today in Chicago), but a public display of jubilation might not be entirely uncalled for. Rumor has it that White House press secretary and all-around douchebag Scott McClellan will soon be out of a job!

Now I can't claim sole credit for this momentous turn of events, although I have rallied against McClellan again and again and again. CNN was the first to break the story last week:

In his new role as chief of staff, [Josh] Bolten is focusing on improving White House communications and legislative affairs to regenerate the administration's message and performance, said sources familiar with his thinking.

"There are two positions he is anxious to turn – Scott [McClellan]'s position and legislative affairs," said a source with close ties to the White House.

Numerous Republican officials said the discussion is focused on McClellan.

"There is a lot of dissatisfaction with the state of communications, the daily communication from the podium, the congressional communications and strategic communications from both in and outside the White House," said one White House insider.

While Secretary Douchebag has a relationship with President Bush that dates back to the Texas legislature and has "no real intention of leaving", it is no stretch to see his positioning as the administration's scapegoat for its ridiculously poor communication skills and disregard for the public's right to access to information. Thought I appreciate the figurative gesture, is it too much to ask him to literally fall on a sword as well?

It's just an invitation across the nation - a chance for folks to meet. There'll be laughing, singing, music swinging and dancing in the street!

Leaky Libby

I've heard of three "Scooters" in my life: the first played opposite Kermit, Gonzo and friends; the second was a senile old man who did color commentary on Yankee games (and provided a memorable cameo in an epic Meatloaf song); the third is a miserable douchebag who leaked classified information.

I think I liked the puppet best.

By now, everyone knows about the revelations that have come out in the investigation of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby. Yes folks, it seems that despite their desperate desire to pin the blame elsewhere, Bush/Cheney & Co. not only knew about the leak, but they engineered it as well.

(Before such surprising intel, I probably should have warned you to "hold on to your hats". I apologize if your fedora blew away in that last gust of shock and awe.)

According to court papers filed by Special Council Patrick Fitzgerald,

In July 2003, [Ambassador Joseph] Wilson's accusation that the Bush administration had twisted prewar intelligence to exaggerate the Iraqi threat "was viewed in the office of vice president as a direct attack on the credibility of the vice president, and the president."

Of course, instead of engaging in an open debate (apparently, dissent is no longer the highest form of patriotism…sorry TJ), Cheney went on the offensive. The counterattack began on July 8, 2003, when talking to New York Times cunt reporter Judith Miller, Libby "discussed the contents of a then-classified CIA report that seemed to undercut what Wilson was saying in public." Libby also dropped not-so-subtle hints that Wilson's criticisms could be traced back to an agenda driven by his wife, covert CIA operative Valerie Plame.

OK, so let's catch our collect breath for a second. Disclosing classified information is a felony, as is disclosing the name of a CIA agent. We all understand that at the very least, Libby committed two serious felonies. At worst, his actions were treasonous. This is not debatable, right?

Wrong. Remember who we're dealing with here.

You see, even Scooter himself had reservations about being so cavalier with national security issues, but had his fears assuaged by his bosses:

Libby at first told the vice president that he could not have the July 8, 2003, conversation with Miller because of the classified nature of the National Intelligence Estimate on Iraq, Fitzgerald said. Libby testified to the grand jury "that the vice president later advised him that the president had authorized defendant to disclose the relevant portions" of the NIE.

Libby testified that he also spoke to David Addington, then counsel to the vice president, "whom defendant considered to be an expert in national security law, and Mr. Addington opined that presidential authorization to publicly disclose a document amounted to a declassification of the document."

Do you get what's going on here? The Bush Administration thinks it is infallible – the very act of them doing something illegal makes it legal! Just like a 15 ^th Century European monarch, Dubya has apparently been granted divine wisdom. God made him president and God's favor ensures all his decisions are just.

What I want to know is this – is God making me dry heave right now, or is Bush to blame for my being embarrassed to be an American? And which one should I fault for destroying the constitution of a once great country and sending it down the shitter?

Holy cow.

What’s next – a bacon cheeseburger on Yom Kippur?

It's Religion Week here at PatRoW ("week" being a loose term…it may turn out to be "Religion Day" when all is said and done). Most Gentiles may want to pass over this post without giving it a second thought, but my fellow people Israel may be interested to know this fun fact – you got it all wrong, Shlomo!

It seems that for thousands of years, Jews have misinterpreted the laws of Passover, meaning that we have deprived ourselves in misguided compliance with religious dietary law. Don't poo poo…its true.

Gentiles may not know that Passover restrictions are rooted in the story of the Jews' exodus from Egypt (remember that Charlton Heston movie they show every Easter?). Because they fled in haste, the Israelites did not allow their bread to rise, choosing instead to consume it in its unleavened state. In memory of this hardship, Jews have historically not eaten any chometz (leavened bread) during the eight days of Passover. And yet:

…rabbis in even some of the most Orthodox associations say chometz does not refer to all leavening.

"There is nothing wrong about a raised product at Passover per se," said Rabbi Moshe Elefant, executive rabbinic coordinator and chief operating officer of the Orthodox Union's kosher division, the oldest and most widely accepted certifier of kosher foods.

Lise Stern, author of "How to Keep Kosher" (Morrow, 2004), said: "Chometz, which means sharp or sour, denotes bread that has a sourness to it caused by fermentation, occurring when liquid is added to any of the five grains mentioned in the Torah. This refers to yeast, not baking powder or baking soda."

Now I'm no biblical scholar (don't look so shocked), nor have I ever faithfully kept Passover, but this is quite a substantial shakeup. Next thing you know, the Pope will OK anal sex (if it was good enough for Teresa…).

Catholics – I'll be praying for you.

Creationalism-Schmeationalsim

In what is being called the "missing link" in the transition from our planet's sea-based to land-based life, scientists have discovered 375 million year old fish fossils that mark the beginnings of limbs evolution:

…scientists found telling anatomical traits of a transitional creature, a fish that is still a fish but exhibiting changes that anticipate the emergence of land animals — a predecessor thus of amphibians, reptiles and dinosaurs, mammals and eventually humans.

The scientists described evidence in the forward fins of limbs in the making. There are the beginnings of digits, proto-wrists, elbows and shoulders. The fish also had a flat skull resembling a crocodile's, a neck, ribs and other parts that were similar to four-legged land animals known as tetrapods.

- - -

Embedded in the pectoral fins were bones that compare to the upper arm, forearm and primitive parts of the hand of land-living animals. The scientists said the joints of the fins appeared to be capable of functioning for movement on land, a case of a fish improvising with its evolved anatomy. In all likelihood, they said, Tiktaalik flexed its proto-limbs primarily on the floor of streams and may have pulled itself up on the shore for brief stretches.

Sheesh, how is Carl Everett going to explain this one? Suffice to say, the Tiktaalik roseae fossil is one not likely to be found at the Ave Maria Natural History Museum. I realize that faith means the belief in something that cannot be proved, but does God really expect us to suspend use of our brains?

Flying Spaghetti Monster proponents could not be reached for comment.