Fool's Errand

So I followed up on the obvious and poorly-conceived April Fool's Day joke purported by Walter E. Smithe and found a bit more information on the retailer's website.

This little tidbit was part of a press release posted on the site:

As part of the deal, Walter E. Smithe will be putting a permanent dome on top of the field. Their architects did a terrific job blending the traditional, old Wrigley Field with modern amenities. A new baseball venue is a great gift to the city of Chicago.

A rendering of the new Smithe Field dome confirms the farce.

This is so silly that I'm not angry anymore. Actually, I may even take pleasure today every time I hear a worried Cubs fan complain.

April's Fools

Now I love a good practical joke as much as anybody…but I also despise a bad one. Today I am breaking down the fourth wall on an early April Fool's Day joke so new, no online source has yet to pick up the story.

The anchors of NBC 5's "Today in Chicago" morning show were buzzing about rumors that Midwest furniture retailer Walter E. Smithe was purchasing naming rights of Wrigley Field for $5 million a year. Just before the show ended, representatives from Smithe came on the air to confirm the rumor and showed an artist's rendering of the renamed stadium's marquee.

Do they really think we're that stupid? Well, since people in my local coffee shop (Caribou, not Starbucks) this morning were already up in arms about the prospect, I guess we are. God, people are such rubes…

God Save the Queen…and her Panties

At long last, our allies in the United Kingdom are safe: singer Tom Jones has been knighted.

Sir Tom claimed that he has "always been a royalist" and said of the Queen, "She is lovely and she still is lovely. She has got a great smile and her whole face lights up when she smiles."

I know there's a joke here about the Queen and her throwing oversized grandma bloomers at the new knight, but I just don't have the heart for it. After all, how many sexy sexagenarian stories can I do?

Golden Girls

I have no problem with FHM (or anyone else) printing a list of the sexiest women in the world. Hell, I endorse the concept. But when lazy editors populate the list with washed-up has-beens instead of today's hotties, mister, we're gonna have some words.

Scarlett Johansson at #1 – sounds good to me. Angelina Jolie at #2 – still smoldering, even though she's a couple of years past her prime. Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson and Keira Knightley rounding out the Top 5? Sure, you could debate or rearrange any of them, but there are no real grounds for public outcry.

The rest of the Top 10, however, is another story:

6. Halle Berry – a sexy woman…who is pushing 40. Plus, she loses major points for romping around naked with Billy Bob Thornton (then again, so should Jolie).
7. Jenny McCarthy – seriously? This woman is still alive? Should you be eligible for FHM's list of Hollywood's sexiest chicks if you work in a Dairy Queen in Peoria?
8. Maria Sharapova – the Wimbledon champion is undoubtedly an attractive woman, but take her out of the context of professional sports, and she starts looking a lot more average.
9. Carmen Electra – are FHM editors the former producers of MTV's Singled Out? What gives here? Plus, she fucked Dennis Rodman – that's worth more demerits than a Billy Bob/ Ron Mexico threesome!
10. Teri Hatcher – yeah, she's gotten some buzz from "Desperate Housewives" and yes, they are real and spectacular, but the woman is closer in age to my mother than to me. She's held up great, no doubt, but no man under 40 is rubbing one out to her image…trust me.

I thought FHM was targeted at today's hip young man. Now I hear next month Bea Arthur will appear on the cover of their "Sexy Sexagenarians" issue…yikes. Can I cancel a subscription I've never owned?

Why I Hate the Left

So it's no secret that I have a bit of a political bias…OK, more than a bit. Despite my ideology, however, there is a reason that I feel disconnected from the Democratic Party, the same reason I believe the Democratic Party is struggling to reach the American public.

You see, American Liberalism has lost its course. I don't know when or how this happened (I'll leave the historical profile for smarter scholars and better writers), but somehow being a Liberal has become synonymous with being a ridiculously politically correct douchebag. And you know what? I don't want to be associated with this shit anymore.

While PC police are nothing new, a story from last week highlights my point. It seems that a St. Louis radio DJ was discussing Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice as the successor to outgoing NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue. KTRS's Dave Lenihan thought that Rice would be a great choice and rambled through some of the impressive reasons why before making a fateful slip of the tongue:

She's been chancellor of Stanford. She's got the patent resume of somebody that has serious skill. She loves football. She's African-American, which would kind of be a big coon. A big coon. Oh my God. I am totally, totally, totally, totally, totally sorry for that.

Now I didn't just read about this story, I actually heard the full clip of Lenihan on the air. He IMMEDIATELY realized that he said the wrong word and IMMEDIATELY issued a clear and genuine apology. I mean, this was no shock jock trying to grab headlines; Lenihan hosts a sports call-in show. His sincerity was obvious when he dropped the fast-talking (and hacky) DJ voice and issued his mea culpa.

(Lenihan would later comment that he was trying to say "a big coo". To me, it sounded like he combined the words "coo" and "boon", both of which would have been appropriate and contextually in-line with the rest of his rant).

No story, right? I mean, for a guy who makes his living talking, Lenihan should be better trained not to make such verbal slips, but this was an honest mistake, right?

Wrong. Twenty minutes later – that's right, TWENTY MINUTES LATER – station CEO Tim Dorsey went on the air to announce that Lenihan had been fired:

"It was a most unfortunate racial slur. There can be no excuse for what was said. Dave Lenihan has been let go. ... There is enough hate. We certainly are not going to fan those flames. That is not what we're about."

"There is enough hate"? Really? Was Lenihan all that hateful? Because to me, highlighting a black woman's tremendous achievements and advocating for her to assume one of the sports world's most visible and respected positions sure doesn't sound hateful to me. Hell, he called her an "African American" instead of a half a dozen less-PC terms that our society still finds acceptable.

Of course, because my fellow Liberals have to overreact, the NAACP got involved. In what had to be a first for them, Fox News reached out to the civil rights organization for comment:

NAACP chapter president Harold Crumpton called Dorsey at the station for an explanation and learned Lenihan had been fired. He said he accepted Dorsey's apology and commended him for his swift action.

He said Dorsey took the right action, adding it should send a message to other stations to do a better job of judging the character of on-air personalities.

Does anybody else remember when the NAACP used to be involved in real issues of racism and discrimination? Now they have to knee-jerk react to a non-story? I mean, isn't the fall-out more than a bit silly? St. Louis Post Dispatch columnist (and African American) Sylvester Brown, Jr. thinks so:

The…tragedy is that this issue may delegitimize real racial issues in the future. In a town that desperately needs to confront its racial hang-ups, Lenihan's verbal boo-boo provides a counterproductive distraction.


Are we clamoring for more serious racial dialogue? Are we challenging radio stations to provide serious forums for diverse voices? No, we're hot and bothered, blogging and debating the ramifications of a misspoken word.

Brown hits the nail on the head. America faces some serious race problems, and language (despite that I personally advocate the "sticks and stones" theory) plays a part. But by making Lenihan's blunder an issue – and that's what it was, a simple blunder – we ignore the larger problem. The black community is smart enough to decide for itself whether Lenihan is a racist and doesn't need any person or group to make a stink. Going overboard with political correctness is insulting to everyone's intelligence – black, white, red, brown, yellow and all hues in between. When someone tells me that something or someone is inappropriate, aren't they really telling me I can't think for myself?

Now that's what I find offensive.

…and no brown M&M’s!

It's no secret that Dick Cheney is a manipulative douchebag, but now there is confirmation that he's a diva when staying in hotels:

"Vice Presidential Downtime Requirements," the heading of a document posted Thursday on the Smoking Gun Web site [was] confirmed as authentic by Mr. Cheney's office.

The document listed 13 requirements. Among them were these: All televisions sets in Mr. Cheney's hotel suite should be tuned to Fox News, all lights should be on, and the thermostat set at 68 degrees. Mr. Cheney should have a queen- or king-size bed, a desk with a chair, a private bathroom, a container for ice, a microwave oven and a coffee pot, with decaf brewed before arrival.

The vice president should also have four cans of caffeine-free Diet Sprite and four to six bottles of water. He must have the hotel restaurant menu, with a copy faxed ahead to his advance office. If his wife is with him, she should have two bottles of sparkling water, either Calistoga or Perrier.

Other demands that the Smoking Gun was not able to confirm include:

· Eye of newt

· Toe of frog

· Wool of bat

· Tongue of Dog

· Three pints of a virgin's blood

· Huey Lewis and the News' Greatest Hits

· The New York Yankees 2006 Media Guide

· Scott McClellan's soul

· The latest edition of Fat Farmers' Wives Bare All

· Soil from his native Transylvania

· Season Two DVD of The Gilmore Girls

· A diamond-encrusted sarcophagus

Bill Clinton, MD

I read today that asymmetrical breasts may be a predictor of tumors . I'm tempted to go straight to the punch lines, but what fun would that be for Letterman and Leno (both of whom are loyal PatRoW readers) if I stole their thunder from tonight's monologue? Plus, my jokes are not nearly as tasteful as the ones that can be heard on late-night network television; unfortunately, there really is a very limited audience for mammogram humor…

Bush’s Big Brass Balls

Bush Asks U.S. to Look Past Iraq Bloodshed

Holy motherfucking shit.

Did I just read that headline right? Does the president really expect to get another free pass? You may not like the man or his policies, but you have to respect his sheer audacity.

Anyway, Dubya spoke yesterday to a group in Cleveland that grilled him on the war in Iraq, his illegal wiretapping policy, relations with Iran and other important matters. And let me tell you, it was reassuring to read that "he could 'understand people being disheartened' but appealed to Americans to look beyond the bloodshed and see signs of progress."

Boy, that sure is grand of him. I hear that in the Q&A session, Bush also a sked AIDS patients to look past their fatal disease and enjoy the weight loss.

After fielding questions for nearly an hour, the president joked "Does anybody work here in this town?" He chuckled for a few seconds, then realized he was in Ohio…so the answer was no. I hate it when my shitty economic policy comes back to bite me in the ass, don't you?

Quick Hits: My Lazy Links

It was simply too good to be true – today PatRoW proudly presents an all-Yahoo Entertainment edition of Quick Hits.

Nick Lachey to play bachelor in sitcom pilot – do you think they wait until the show is picked up before making jokes that allude to Jessica’s stupidity, or does the pilot contain a “Is this chicken or is it fish?” wisecrack? I say the pilot…and I say it comes in the first five minutes.

Tommy Lee forms new rock band for reality show – apparently, this year’s version of Rock Star will feature some new challenges. Instead of writing a song having to impress those audacious Aussies in INXS, contestants will be instead asked to steer a yacht with their cocks. In other words, it will be a much truer test of real-life rock star situations.

Demi Moore joins Costner psychological thriller – word is that audiences in 1991 are already lining up around the block to get their tickets.

The Smiths turned down $5 million reunion offer – money is not the issue; I simply will not share a stage with my dad again…not after “the unpleasantness” of 2002.

Fightin’ (and Fascist) Irish

Looks like someone hit the whiskey a bit early this St. Paddy's Day:

The man in charge of Manhattan's St. Patrick's Day parade has fueled a controversy by saying allowing a gay group to join Friday's march would be like permitting neo-Nazis to participate in an Israeli parade.

No, John Dunleavy, I don't think that's exactly right. You see, no one loves parades quite as much as homosexuals. Denying their participation would be much more like not allowing Nazis to participate in a Jew-killing parade. Do yourself a favor and get your gross distortions and horribly offensive analogies in order, mister.

Pardon me while I kvetch

As holders of the nation's best record and longest winning streak of 2006, one would think that GW would get some respect from the selection committee. Instead, we were slotted as the best #8 seed in NCAA Tournament history and forced to play what amounted to a road game against a 25-win opponent.

(and yes, my 3 ½ semesters at GW entitles me to say "we"…even if I can't name any of the team's players…or its coach. For God's sake, they play in a building named after me!)

The Colonials' game against UNC Wilmington was one of only two games during the tournament's opening day to have a feeling of "March Madness". Tied at halftime, down by 18 with eleven minutes to play, down again by 4 with two minutes remaining in overtime, GW somehow found a way to win.

What a game! What a win! What's next?

Oh yeah, #1 seed Duke…in what amounts to another road game. Yeah, that's fair.

Hero MD

OK, so my personal feelings about the war in Iraq should be of no surprise to any of PatRoW's two loyal readers. However, that doesn't mean that some good can't be found in all that horror. The cover story in the current edition of Newsweek tells the tale of a Navy doctor on the front lines in Fallujah. His is a story not about politics, but about courage; trust me – it is worth your time.

Maybe we should call him ‘Sniffy’ instead of ‘Doc’

Former New York Mets great Dwight Gooden appears to be headed back to the pokey after violating terms of his probation. Yesterday Doc admitted his continued cocaine use, a violation of his probation from a 2005 DUI.

In a related story...somewhere in Manhattan, a red-headed lawyer sheds another tear.

Let the ‘Whammie’ Jokes Begin

It is a sad day in Gameshowland – Peter Tomarken is dead at the age of 63. People may have scoffed at my 8^th round draft pick, but who won your dead pool?

Liar, Liar, Pants Ablaze

It's been entirely too long since PatRoW has taken a run at our president, who makes it entirely too easy to attack his transparent and self-serving policy. Well, the simpleton spoke yesterday to the Foundation for the Defense of Democracies…giving us an opportunity to study some of his lunacy and lies:

THE PRESIDENT: Thanks for the warm welcome…

Uh oh…looks like we got us one of "those" types of audiences. Apparently, our president only makes public speeches in Stepford.

… I also want to thank the members of the board of the Foundation for the Defense of the Democracies. I want to thank Steve Trachtenberg, the President of George Washington University, and his wife, Fran, for joining us today. Thanks for letting me come to your campus. I'm honored to be here.

Holy shit! Now I know why we lost to Temple and got a #8 seed! Mr. Trachtenberg – I don't care how hot your daughter is; cow-towing to Dubya brings you dangerously close to making my list.

He informed me that my dad will be giving the graduation speech this year. (Laughter.) And Mother is getting an honorary degree. (Laughter.) Smart man. (Laughter and applause.)…

Oh no you didn't. Steven Trachtenberg, you are officially a douchebag.

…The mission of this Foundation is to defeat terror by promoting democracy -- and that is the mission of my administration.

You know, as long as by defeating terror we can line our pockets.

…And so America is committed to an historic, long-term goal: To secure the peace of the world, we seek the end of tyranny in our world.

Tyranny at home doesn't count.

…Next week, we will mark the three-year anniversary of the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Or as it's called in some circles, Operation Cluster Fuck.

In less than three years, the Iraqi people have gone from living under the boot of a brutal tyrant, to liberation, to sovereignty, to free elections, to a constitutional referendum…

to living under the boot of another brutal tyrant. Gotta love that circle of life shit.

…By their courage, the Iraqi people have spoken and made their intentions clear: they want to live in democracy -- and they are determined to shape their own destiny.

Funny, I thought the intentions they made most clear was the desire to get us the fuck out of their country.

… In the weeks ahead, Americans will likely see a good deal of political maneuvering in Iraq -- as different factions and leaders advance competing agendas and seek their share of political power.

Little do they know that my agenda is the only one that matters.

…The terrorists know they cannot defeat us militarily -- so they have turned to the weapon of fear. And one of the most brutal weapons at their disposal are improvised explosive devices, or IEDs.

We have to find a way to stop the terrorists from using these IEDs, since God hates abortion and all kinds of birth control.

… The terrorists are losing on the field of battle, so they are fighting this war through the pictures we see on television and in the newspapers every day.

That's right – America's free press is really just a pawn of the terrorists.

…The stakes in Iraq are high. By helping Iraqis build a democracy, we will deny the terrorists a safe haven to plan attacks against America.

Even while forcing Iraq to build a democracy, we have fostered for the terrorists a safe haven to plan attacks against America.

…May God bless the families of the fallen. May God bless our troops in the fight. And may God continue to bless the United States of America.

As long as we believe in Jesus. That means you, Jewey.

…

For those living with blinders, the NY Times explains the motives and timing of Bush's speech:

Mr. Bush has expressed concern that televised images of the continuing violence in Iraq, especially between Shiite and Sunni Muslims, is further undercutting support for the war. In advance of the speech, one of Mr. Bush's aides said last week that "at various moments, we have had to get the president out there to reassure people, re-explain the strategy, and make it clear that we have a long-term approach."

But the frequency of those presidential messages seems to be increasing as the situation in Iraq grows more volatile. When Mr. Bush last gave a series of speeches on Iraq in December — timed with the release of a National Security Council document called "Our National Strategy for Victory in Iraq" — the effort temporarily halted a decline in both his approval ratings and support for a short-term exit strategy. Both have fallen in the past month.

So to clarify: the media is too obsessed with reporting the facts, and that makes people mad at me. I need to speak to a hand-picked group of rubes and spin the situation so it looks like I know what I'm doing. Maybe then people will stop hating me.

How presidential. I will give credit where it is due – this guy is probably the second-best president we've had all millennium. I love you, Dubs.

Where’s your God now?

It turns out that "Muppets in Space" was right: there is water – and perhaps even life – on one of Saturn's moons.

"It's startling," said Carolyn C. Porco of the Space Science Institute in Boulder , Colo., leader of the imaging team for [NASA's] Cassini [spacecraft]. Nine scientific papers about Enceladus (pronounced en-SELL-ah-dus), appear in today's issue of Science. "I wouldn't be surprised to see the planetary community clamoring for a future exploratory expedition to land on the south polar terrain of Enceladus," said Dr. Porco, lead author of one of the papers. "We have found an environment that is potentially suitable for living organisms."

Life requires at least three ingredients — water, heat and carbon-based molecules — and Enceladus may possess all three.

While rational people won't have their faith rocked by this news (if you can believe in both God and evolution, you can handle the possibility of life in other parts of the universe), those nutty Creationalists may not handle it so well. Can they possibly blame a left wing, anti-Jesus contingent (you know, the same group that fabricated evidence on all those dinosaur fossils)?

Touché Douche

Because no one asked for it, I've compiled a partial list of the world's biggest douchebags. While it is nearly impossible to get one's name removed from this list, it is fairly easy to get added on (so don't cross me again, Hasselhoff). Names are listed in no particular order:

· Scott McClellan

· Anyone who drives a Hummer

· Barry Bonds

· Dick Cheney

· Film critics

· Antonin Scalia

· David Caruso

· Ms. Molly from " Romper Room" (no, I am still not over the trauma of learning that her magic mirror was not, in fact, magical)

· G. Gordon Liddy

· The Amazing Jonathan

· Rubberneckers

· People that say "gaper's block" instead of "rubbernecking"

· Bill O'Reilly

· Anyone who still uses a dial up connection

· Anyone who asks "is it hot/cold enough for you?"

· Carrot Top

· Karl Rove

· People who drive 45 mph on Lake Shore Drive

· Hyper-sensitive political correctness Nazis

· Nazi Nazis

· Tyra Banks

· Mike DeWine

· Anyone still using AOL for anything besides e-mail (and that's a stretch)

· Isaiah Thomas

· Donald Trump

· Anyone who buys Us Weekly, In Style or any other celebrity-obsessed rag

· The publishers of Us Weekly, In Style and every other celebrity-obsessed rag

· Radio DJ's who host call-in advice shows

· George W. Bush

· Anyone who says they are "fun loving" or "down to earth"

· Randy Johnson

· Randy Jackson

· Michael Jackson

· Michael Moore

· Roger Moore

· Roger Clemens

· Kody Clemens

· Anyone whose first name is Kody, Cody, Dakota, Montana or Hunter

· People who don't read PatRoW

A Douchebag at Fox? What are the Odds?

I have no particular affinity for Teri Hatcher, nor bias against her (though back in the day, her breasts were both real and spectacular). The news of her childhood sexual molestation was disturbing…as is the news of any child abuse. Surely, she made a bold and brave decision to testify against her uncle and help put him behind bars. Surely, hers was a story that needed to be told – if for no other reason, than to show that such horrible acts can happen to anyone and that victims are not powerless. No one can fault her for speaking up, right? No one can accuse her of ulterior motives, right? Wrong.

Enter Fox News.

Somehow, douchebag Mike Straka manages to turn Hatcher's revelation into a diatribe against America's celebrity-centric culture. Sure, it's more than a little phony when a star launches a new relationship in the tabloids just as he or she begins to promote a new project, but Straka has the audacity to compare Hatcher's story with Lindsay Lohan's bulimia…you know, because rape and incest are the same as a rich girl who parties too hard.

Straka argues that Hatcher's story should be told, but only in another time and place:

…the fact that this story comes out in a cover story for Vanity Fair after its best-selling Oscar issue ever, featuring nude photos of Scarlet Johansson and Keira Knightley, is a bit disingenuous, to say the least.

OK, so because Vanity Fair ran a few photos in its last issue, Hatcher can't tell her story in the current one? I don't see the connection here. That would be like the Vice President being involved in a scandal but not talking to any media outlets that had ever run negative coverage about him. Wait a minute…

The truth is that Teri Hatcher has no agenda other than coming clean…and Fox News has no agenda other than spreading douchebagianism around the world. Good work, sirs. Earth is a douchier place because of you.

You think so, doctor?

You remember in Boogie Nights, when the Colonel's girlfriend was lying on the floor seizing with blood gushing out of her nose and the druggie dude said "I think she did too much coke"?

Well, in just as big of a shocker, it turns out that forcing teenage girls to notify their parents before getting an abortion reduces the number of girls who end up getting the procedure done. Who would have thunk it?

But remember, folks: notification laws aren't anti-abortion…they're pro-parent.

Maybe I should start thinking about getting some better shit.

The room may not be bugged, but you still have to watch out for plants

Plants Eavesdrop for Defense Purposes – meanwhile, the government announces plans for $1.8 billion Dick Cheney Memorial Greenhouse, Nursery & Top Secret Espionage Center.

Take my wife, please.

Ryan had '12 Years of Christmas' Prosecutor Says – boy, that really beats the "Eight Crazy Nights" of Chanukah I've always enjoyed. George Ryan had it good; maybe it's time for me to convert...

Assistant US Attorney Joel R. Levin said the 72-year-old Republican who served [two terms as secretary of state and] one term as governor practiced "concealment, deception and lies" on a regular basis to cover up "dirty deals" in which he steered state contracts and leases to a small circle of friends and their lobbying contacts.

This guy is on trial? Damn, he sounds like a perfect candidate for House Majority Leader.

Study: Almost half of kids will be fat by 2010 – I know there's a "chubby chasers" joke in here somewhere, I just can't find it.

No one wants to see a world full of fatties less than me, but I think that certain experts may be exaggerating just a tad:

"We have truly a global epidemic which appears to be affecting most countries in the world," said Dr. Philip James, chairman of the International Obesity Task Force.

He said children are "being exposed to the world's marketing might," arguing that governments should step in. "There needs to be a ban on all forms of marketing, not just television adverts."

That's right, doctor. Marketing is the problem. Why blame the lard asses who can't stop stuffing their faces, when we can blame commercials? Hey fatso – why don't you put down the Twinkie and take some personal responsibility for once?

Quick Hits: Glitter and Tits

(no, PatRoW is not being sponsored by the Crazy Horse Too…but that's an idea I may need to investigate…in person…several times…)

Glitter Jailed for Three Years by Court in Vietnam – Na na na na na na na, hey! You perv!

(it works better with the audio, but you get the idea)

Most women would accept more mammograms – and most men would be happy to give more manual breast exams.

(insert rim shot here)

Hard Marriages Can Harden Arteries – and soft cocks can weaken marriages.

(I'm on a roll!)

Pearl Jam to release new album on May 2 – and folks in 1992 are giddy with anticipation.

(nothing really funny to say about a blah story and a blah joke)

Truthiness or Consequences

I realize that a blog as important as PatRoW is read by some serious political heavyweights, all of whom pray nightly that I won't brand them a "douchebag". I respect the great influence I wield, and it pains me when one of my fans falls so low as to plagiarize my brilliance.

Discussed on last night's Colbert Report was the McCormick Tribune Freedom Museum's study about how more Americans can name the five members of the Simpsons family than can name the five freedoms guaranteed by the First Amendment. You remember, it was the same story that I covered on Wednesday (thank God for the time/date stamp – truly one of His more miraculous creations).

Now I can't begrudge Stephen Colbert – or any other hard-hitting journalist – from reporting on the study; it is, obviously, the story of the year (who cares about an illegal war, nuclear proliferation, government corruption, etc., when we can bemoan the fact that Americans watch too much TV?). My problem is that Mr. Colbert got lazy last night and used the EXACT LANGUAGE I used when I broke the story. Do you expect anyone to believe that you spontaneously came up with an identical "redress of grievances" joke? Please – you're funny, but not PatRoW funny.

If I were not above such petty measures, I would steal bits from the Colbert Report in retribution. Lucky for the show's star, I need not stoop that low.

Unlucky for him, I have this to say: Stephen Colbert – you're dead to me.

Up Yours, Your Honor

If Scott McClellan is a secretarial douchebag, and George W. Bush is a presidential douche bag, does that make Justice Antonin Scalia a supreme douche bag? And which douche bag would win in a fight?

Anyway, the debate on the illegal redistricting of the Texas legislature was heard by the Supreme Court today, and Justice Scalia wasn't exactly coy about which side he supports:

Nina Perales [of the Mexican American Legal Defense and Educational Fund, on behalf of Latino and black voters] argued that each district must be evaluated for its own circumstances but that it was impermissible to "zigzag through neighborhoods and streets" in an "egregious use of race for its own sake." To uphold this district, she said, would "give states free rein to use race to manipulate outcomes."

Justice Antonin Scalia replied, "Of course you want to use race to manipulate outcomes, just sometimes."

Don't you just love it when our chief arbiters of the constitution employ our Founding Fathers' little known "I know you are but what am I" provision?

Smoldering Bazooka

Throughout his time in office, George Bush has been able to continually sidestep political landmines without losing the zealous support of his conservative base. Today, it appears that the lies have caught up and that even his most ardent followers should have a hard time denying the cracks in the president's levee of legitimacy.

It seems that the president was less than honest (gasp!) when he proclaimed that no person or agency alerted him to the severity of Hurricane Katrina and its potential wrath on New Orleans. In fact, we now know that Michael "Heckofa Job" Brown may not be the incompetent dolt that the administration painted him to be. Video has surfaced of the oft-vilified former FEMA chief speaking in a briefing WITH THE PRESIDENT the day before Katrina made landfall. Some fun quotes:

· On the severity of the storm: "My gut tells me ... this is a bad one and a big one."
· On the government's preparedness: "I'm concerned about ... the ability to respond to a catastrophe within a catastrophe."
· On the proposed emergency evacuation center: "The Superdome is about 12 feet below sea level.... I don't know whether the roof is designed to withstand a Category Five hurricane."
· On the city's resources in case of worst-case scenarios: "Not to be…kind of gross here, but I'm concerned [about the medical and mortuary resources] and their ability to respond to a catastrophe within a catastrophe."

Wow, maybe Brownie actually was doing a good job. Who knew that his Arabian horse experience had prepared him so well?

Not surprisingly, the Bush administration is trying to downplay the VIDEO EVIDENCE that proves they are all lying sacks of jism:

· Homeland Security spokesman Russ Knocke: "There's nothing new or insightful on these tapes."

· Bush spokesman Trent Duffy: "I hope people don't draw conclusions from the president getting a single briefing."
· White House press secretary Scott McClellan: "I had a hurricane in New Orleans once. Oh man, I was on Bourbon Street and I was all fucked up and this chick was flashing her tits and it was AWESOME! Why does everyone look so worried?"

I know the man is very appealing to the millions of Americans whose faith is the single most important thing in their lives – and I truly respect faith, even when I don't share it – but who can continue to support this revolting president and his travashamockery of an administration? Today's video is more than a smoking gun; it is definitive proof that our president is a liar, a douche bag and (dare I make the accusation?) a bad Christian.