I’ll take ‘No Talent Politicians not Named George Bush’ for $800, Alex

A number of Bill Frist stories were printed today, which led to a lot of amusing (and gratuitously unflattering) photos. I can’t decide which is my favorite:

gloomy hearthrob Frist

auto-erotic asphyxiation Frist

or poopy-in-my-pants Frist

Anyway, the Majority Leader is retiring from the Senate at year’s end and is now likely preparing a run for president in 2008. But is he fronting or representing the GOP?

Republicans say that by forcing the Senate to consider his own immigration bill before the one backed by Mr. McCain, Mr. Frist is putting presidential ambitions ahead of Senate business. The Democratic leader, Senator Harry Reid of Nevada, openly dismissed Mr. Frist as a lame duck, and Charlie Cook, an independent political analyst, in an interview derided the Senate leader as a neophyte.

"The most classic case of the Peter Principle I've ever seen in American politics," Mr. Cook said, in an uncharacteristically brutal assessment. "In a business where eloquence and rhetoric is important, he is a man of no talent whatsoever."

Ouch. I realize that I am fond of branding politicians douchebags, but “a man of no talent whatsoever”? What about Frist’s ability to diagnose cognitive brain activity by watching a 30-second video feed of a hospitalized patient? That, sir, is a talent…even if it is an entirely imaginary one.

Frist has not officially committed to a run for the White House, saying instead that he would "do whatever it takes to keep all options open."

I would advise folks not to take the man quite so literally, however.

“Whatever it takes.”

There have to be limits…like no gay shit, right?

“Whatever it takes.”

OK, then how wide are you willing to open your mouth?

“Whatever it takes.”

Do you get into it all? I need someone who will ‘mind the stepchildren’.

“Whatever it takes.”

How about giving up the back door, Senator?

“Whatever it takes.”

Wow, now that’s a man committed to his principles. With an attitude like that, he’ll be sowing up the nomination just about the same time as he takes his thousandth load to the face.

And yes, I still like him more than Dubya.

Quick Hits – Bears, Scares and Fat Kids Beware

It's Monday morning and you know what that means – another award-winning installment of Quick Hits!

Roth Struggles after Replacing Stern – Flop, Flozey Flozey Flop, Flippy Flop

The More you Know – thanks to Dwight Schrute of NBC's "The Office", I now can tell the difference between a brown and black bear and what to do after being mauled by one. I still can't believe that none of my friends like this show.

Rap Label in Receivership Threat – Whoa, whoa, whoa. Suge Knight is having legal troubles? Do you think "Receivership Threat" is code for holding someone over the edge of a balcony by his feet? Because it would be a shame if that punk ass bitch Vanilla Ice didn't learn his lesson the first time.

Obese Kids Can't Fit into Car Seats, Experts Warn – but on the plus side, all that extra blubber really insulates fatties against bodily injury.

Racy TV Shows Increase Teen Sex Activity, Study Says – I admit it, I watch "The OC" almost entirely for the 30-somethings pretending to be teenagers pretending to have sex…and it looks like such actions are inspiring real high school students. God bless. Looking back, it makes me wish that Brendan, Dylan, Steve and David Silver had better game so I could have gotten past second base more often.

Fool's Errand

So I followed up on the obvious and poorly-conceived April Fool's Day joke purported by Walter E. Smithe and found a bit more information on the retailer's website.

This little tidbit was part of a press release posted on the site:

As part of the deal, Walter E. Smithe will be putting a permanent dome on top of the field. Their architects did a terrific job blending the traditional, old Wrigley Field with modern amenities. A new baseball venue is a great gift to the city of Chicago.

A rendering of the new Smithe Field dome confirms the farce.

This is so silly that I'm not angry anymore. Actually, I may even take pleasure today every time I hear a worried Cubs fan complain.

April's Fools

Now I love a good practical joke as much as anybody…but I also despise a bad one. Today I am breaking down the fourth wall on an early April Fool's Day joke so new, no online source has yet to pick up the story.

The anchors of NBC 5's "Today in Chicago" morning show were buzzing about rumors that Midwest furniture retailer Walter E. Smithe was purchasing naming rights of Wrigley Field for $5 million a year. Just before the show ended, representatives from Smithe came on the air to confirm the rumor and showed an artist's rendering of the renamed stadium's marquee.

Do they really think we're that stupid? Well, since people in my local coffee shop (Caribou, not Starbucks) this morning were already up in arms about the prospect, I guess we are. God, people are such rubes…

God Save the Queen…and her Panties

At long last, our allies in the United Kingdom are safe: singer Tom Jones has been knighted.

Sir Tom claimed that he has "always been a royalist" and said of the Queen, "She is lovely and she still is lovely. She has got a great smile and her whole face lights up when she smiles."

I know there's a joke here about the Queen and her throwing oversized grandma bloomers at the new knight, but I just don't have the heart for it. After all, how many sexy sexagenarian stories can I do?

Golden Girls

I have no problem with FHM (or anyone else) printing a list of the sexiest women in the world. Hell, I endorse the concept. But when lazy editors populate the list with washed-up has-beens instead of today's hotties, mister, we're gonna have some words.

Scarlett Johansson at #1 – sounds good to me. Angelina Jolie at #2 – still smoldering, even though she's a couple of years past her prime. Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson and Keira Knightley rounding out the Top 5? Sure, you could debate or rearrange any of them, but there are no real grounds for public outcry.

The rest of the Top 10, however, is another story:

6. Halle Berry – a sexy woman…who is pushing 40. Plus, she loses major points for romping around naked with Billy Bob Thornton (then again, so should Jolie).
7. Jenny McCarthy – seriously? This woman is still alive? Should you be eligible for FHM's list of Hollywood's sexiest chicks if you work in a Dairy Queen in Peoria?
8. Maria Sharapova – the Wimbledon champion is undoubtedly an attractive woman, but take her out of the context of professional sports, and she starts looking a lot more average.
9. Carmen Electra – are FHM editors the former producers of MTV's Singled Out? What gives here? Plus, she fucked Dennis Rodman – that's worth more demerits than a Billy Bob/ Ron Mexico threesome!
10. Teri Hatcher – yeah, she's gotten some buzz from "Desperate Housewives" and yes, they are real and spectacular, but the woman is closer in age to my mother than to me. She's held up great, no doubt, but no man under 40 is rubbing one out to her image…trust me.

I thought FHM was targeted at today's hip young man. Now I hear next month Bea Arthur will appear on the cover of their "Sexy Sexagenarians" issue…yikes. Can I cancel a subscription I've never owned?

Why I Hate the Left

So it's no secret that I have a bit of a political bias…OK, more than a bit. Despite my ideology, however, there is a reason that I feel disconnected from the Democratic Party, the same reason I believe the Democratic Party is struggling to reach the American public.

You see, American Liberalism has lost its course. I don't know when or how this happened (I'll leave the historical profile for smarter scholars and better writers), but somehow being a Liberal has become synonymous with being a ridiculously politically correct douchebag. And you know what? I don't want to be associated with this shit anymore.

While PC police are nothing new, a story from last week highlights my point. It seems that a St. Louis radio DJ was discussing Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice as the successor to outgoing NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue. KTRS's Dave Lenihan thought that Rice would be a great choice and rambled through some of the impressive reasons why before making a fateful slip of the tongue:

She's been chancellor of Stanford. She's got the patent resume of somebody that has serious skill. She loves football. She's African-American, which would kind of be a big coon. A big coon. Oh my God. I am totally, totally, totally, totally, totally sorry for that.

Now I didn't just read about this story, I actually heard the full clip of Lenihan on the air. He IMMEDIATELY realized that he said the wrong word and IMMEDIATELY issued a clear and genuine apology. I mean, this was no shock jock trying to grab headlines; Lenihan hosts a sports call-in show. His sincerity was obvious when he dropped the fast-talking (and hacky) DJ voice and issued his mea culpa.

(Lenihan would later comment that he was trying to say "a big coo". To me, it sounded like he combined the words "coo" and "boon", both of which would have been appropriate and contextually in-line with the rest of his rant).

No story, right? I mean, for a guy who makes his living talking, Lenihan should be better trained not to make such verbal slips, but this was an honest mistake, right?

Wrong. Twenty minutes later – that's right, TWENTY MINUTES LATER – station CEO Tim Dorsey went on the air to announce that Lenihan had been fired:

"It was a most unfortunate racial slur. There can be no excuse for what was said. Dave Lenihan has been let go. ... There is enough hate. We certainly are not going to fan those flames. That is not what we're about."

"There is enough hate"? Really? Was Lenihan all that hateful? Because to me, highlighting a black woman's tremendous achievements and advocating for her to assume one of the sports world's most visible and respected positions sure doesn't sound hateful to me. Hell, he called her an "African American" instead of a half a dozen less-PC terms that our society still finds acceptable.

Of course, because my fellow Liberals have to overreact, the NAACP got involved. In what had to be a first for them, Fox News reached out to the civil rights organization for comment:

NAACP chapter president Harold Crumpton called Dorsey at the station for an explanation and learned Lenihan had been fired. He said he accepted Dorsey's apology and commended him for his swift action.

He said Dorsey took the right action, adding it should send a message to other stations to do a better job of judging the character of on-air personalities.

Does anybody else remember when the NAACP used to be involved in real issues of racism and discrimination? Now they have to knee-jerk react to a non-story? I mean, isn't the fall-out more than a bit silly? St. Louis Post Dispatch columnist (and African American) Sylvester Brown, Jr. thinks so:

The…tragedy is that this issue may delegitimize real racial issues in the future. In a town that desperately needs to confront its racial hang-ups, Lenihan's verbal boo-boo provides a counterproductive distraction.


Are we clamoring for more serious racial dialogue? Are we challenging radio stations to provide serious forums for diverse voices? No, we're hot and bothered, blogging and debating the ramifications of a misspoken word.

Brown hits the nail on the head. America faces some serious race problems, and language (despite that I personally advocate the "sticks and stones" theory) plays a part. But by making Lenihan's blunder an issue – and that's what it was, a simple blunder – we ignore the larger problem. The black community is smart enough to decide for itself whether Lenihan is a racist and doesn't need any person or group to make a stink. Going overboard with political correctness is insulting to everyone's intelligence – black, white, red, brown, yellow and all hues in between. When someone tells me that something or someone is inappropriate, aren't they really telling me I can't think for myself?

Now that's what I find offensive.

…and no brown M&M’s!

It's no secret that Dick Cheney is a manipulative douchebag, but now there is confirmation that he's a diva when staying in hotels:

"Vice Presidential Downtime Requirements," the heading of a document posted Thursday on the Smoking Gun Web site [was] confirmed as authentic by Mr. Cheney's office.

The document listed 13 requirements. Among them were these: All televisions sets in Mr. Cheney's hotel suite should be tuned to Fox News, all lights should be on, and the thermostat set at 68 degrees. Mr. Cheney should have a queen- or king-size bed, a desk with a chair, a private bathroom, a container for ice, a microwave oven and a coffee pot, with decaf brewed before arrival.

The vice president should also have four cans of caffeine-free Diet Sprite and four to six bottles of water. He must have the hotel restaurant menu, with a copy faxed ahead to his advance office. If his wife is with him, she should have two bottles of sparkling water, either Calistoga or Perrier.

Other demands that the Smoking Gun was not able to confirm include:

· Eye of newt

· Toe of frog

· Wool of bat

· Tongue of Dog

· Three pints of a virgin's blood

· Huey Lewis and the News' Greatest Hits

· The New York Yankees 2006 Media Guide

· Scott McClellan's soul

· The latest edition of Fat Farmers' Wives Bare All

· Soil from his native Transylvania

· Season Two DVD of The Gilmore Girls

· A diamond-encrusted sarcophagus

Bill Clinton, MD

I read today that asymmetrical breasts may be a predictor of tumors . I'm tempted to go straight to the punch lines, but what fun would that be for Letterman and Leno (both of whom are loyal PatRoW readers) if I stole their thunder from tonight's monologue? Plus, my jokes are not nearly as tasteful as the ones that can be heard on late-night network television; unfortunately, there really is a very limited audience for mammogram humor…

Bush’s Big Brass Balls

Bush Asks U.S. to Look Past Iraq Bloodshed

Holy motherfucking shit.

Did I just read that headline right? Does the president really expect to get another free pass? You may not like the man or his policies, but you have to respect his sheer audacity.

Anyway, Dubya spoke yesterday to a group in Cleveland that grilled him on the war in Iraq, his illegal wiretapping policy, relations with Iran and other important matters. And let me tell you, it was reassuring to read that "he could 'understand people being disheartened' but appealed to Americans to look beyond the bloodshed and see signs of progress."

Boy, that sure is grand of him. I hear that in the Q&A session, Bush also a sked AIDS patients to look past their fatal disease and enjoy the weight loss.

After fielding questions for nearly an hour, the president joked "Does anybody work here in this town?" He chuckled for a few seconds, then realized he was in Ohio…so the answer was no. I hate it when my shitty economic policy comes back to bite me in the ass, don't you?

Quick Hits: My Lazy Links

It was simply too good to be true – today PatRoW proudly presents an all-Yahoo Entertainment edition of Quick Hits.

Nick Lachey to play bachelor in sitcom pilot – do you think they wait until the show is picked up before making jokes that allude to Jessica’s stupidity, or does the pilot contain a “Is this chicken or is it fish?” wisecrack? I say the pilot…and I say it comes in the first five minutes.

Tommy Lee forms new rock band for reality show – apparently, this year’s version of Rock Star will feature some new challenges. Instead of writing a song having to impress those audacious Aussies in INXS, contestants will be instead asked to steer a yacht with their cocks. In other words, it will be a much truer test of real-life rock star situations.

Demi Moore joins Costner psychological thriller – word is that audiences in 1991 are already lining up around the block to get their tickets.

The Smiths turned down $5 million reunion offer – money is not the issue; I simply will not share a stage with my dad again…not after “the unpleasantness” of 2002.

Fightin’ (and Fascist) Irish

Looks like someone hit the whiskey a bit early this St. Paddy's Day:

The man in charge of Manhattan's St. Patrick's Day parade has fueled a controversy by saying allowing a gay group to join Friday's march would be like permitting neo-Nazis to participate in an Israeli parade.

No, John Dunleavy, I don't think that's exactly right. You see, no one loves parades quite as much as homosexuals. Denying their participation would be much more like not allowing Nazis to participate in a Jew-killing parade. Do yourself a favor and get your gross distortions and horribly offensive analogies in order, mister.

Pardon me while I kvetch

As holders of the nation's best record and longest winning streak of 2006, one would think that GW would get some respect from the selection committee. Instead, we were slotted as the best #8 seed in NCAA Tournament history and forced to play what amounted to a road game against a 25-win opponent.

(and yes, my 3 ½ semesters at GW entitles me to say "we"…even if I can't name any of the team's players…or its coach. For God's sake, they play in a building named after me!)

The Colonials' game against UNC Wilmington was one of only two games during the tournament's opening day to have a feeling of "March Madness". Tied at halftime, down by 18 with eleven minutes to play, down again by 4 with two minutes remaining in overtime, GW somehow found a way to win.

What a game! What a win! What's next?

Oh yeah, #1 seed Duke…in what amounts to another road game. Yeah, that's fair.

Hero MD

OK, so my personal feelings about the war in Iraq should be of no surprise to any of PatRoW's two loyal readers. However, that doesn't mean that some good can't be found in all that horror. The cover story in the current edition of Newsweek tells the tale of a Navy doctor on the front lines in Fallujah. His is a story not about politics, but about courage; trust me – it is worth your time.

Maybe we should call him ‘Sniffy’ instead of ‘Doc’

Former New York Mets great Dwight Gooden appears to be headed back to the pokey after violating terms of his probation. Yesterday Doc admitted his continued cocaine use, a violation of his probation from a 2005 DUI.

In a related story...somewhere in Manhattan, a red-headed lawyer sheds another tear.

Let the ‘Whammie’ Jokes Begin

It is a sad day in Gameshowland – Peter Tomarken is dead at the age of 63. People may have scoffed at my 8^th round draft pick, but who won your dead pool?

Liar, Liar, Pants Ablaze

It's been entirely too long since PatRoW has taken a run at our president, who makes it entirely too easy to attack his transparent and self-serving policy. Well, the simpleton spoke yesterday to the Foundation for the Defense of Democracies…giving us an opportunity to study some of his lunacy and lies:

THE PRESIDENT: Thanks for the warm welcome…

Uh oh…looks like we got us one of "those" types of audiences. Apparently, our president only makes public speeches in Stepford.

… I also want to thank the members of the board of the Foundation for the Defense of the Democracies. I want to thank Steve Trachtenberg, the President of George Washington University, and his wife, Fran, for joining us today. Thanks for letting me come to your campus. I'm honored to be here.

Holy shit! Now I know why we lost to Temple and got a #8 seed! Mr. Trachtenberg – I don't care how hot your daughter is; cow-towing to Dubya brings you dangerously close to making my list.

He informed me that my dad will be giving the graduation speech this year. (Laughter.) And Mother is getting an honorary degree. (Laughter.) Smart man. (Laughter and applause.)…

Oh no you didn't. Steven Trachtenberg, you are officially a douchebag.

…The mission of this Foundation is to defeat terror by promoting democracy -- and that is the mission of my administration.

You know, as long as by defeating terror we can line our pockets.

…And so America is committed to an historic, long-term goal: To secure the peace of the world, we seek the end of tyranny in our world.

Tyranny at home doesn't count.

…Next week, we will mark the three-year anniversary of the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Or as it's called in some circles, Operation Cluster Fuck.

In less than three years, the Iraqi people have gone from living under the boot of a brutal tyrant, to liberation, to sovereignty, to free elections, to a constitutional referendum…

to living under the boot of another brutal tyrant. Gotta love that circle of life shit.

…By their courage, the Iraqi people have spoken and made their intentions clear: they want to live in democracy -- and they are determined to shape their own destiny.

Funny, I thought the intentions they made most clear was the desire to get us the fuck out of their country.

… In the weeks ahead, Americans will likely see a good deal of political maneuvering in Iraq -- as different factions and leaders advance competing agendas and seek their share of political power.

Little do they know that my agenda is the only one that matters.

…The terrorists know they cannot defeat us militarily -- so they have turned to the weapon of fear. And one of the most brutal weapons at their disposal are improvised explosive devices, or IEDs.

We have to find a way to stop the terrorists from using these IEDs, since God hates abortion and all kinds of birth control.

… The terrorists are losing on the field of battle, so they are fighting this war through the pictures we see on television and in the newspapers every day.

That's right – America's free press is really just a pawn of the terrorists.

…The stakes in Iraq are high. By helping Iraqis build a democracy, we will deny the terrorists a safe haven to plan attacks against America.

Even while forcing Iraq to build a democracy, we have fostered for the terrorists a safe haven to plan attacks against America.

…May God bless the families of the fallen. May God bless our troops in the fight. And may God continue to bless the United States of America.

As long as we believe in Jesus. That means you, Jewey.

…

For those living with blinders, the NY Times explains the motives and timing of Bush's speech:

Mr. Bush has expressed concern that televised images of the continuing violence in Iraq, especially between Shiite and Sunni Muslims, is further undercutting support for the war. In advance of the speech, one of Mr. Bush's aides said last week that "at various moments, we have had to get the president out there to reassure people, re-explain the strategy, and make it clear that we have a long-term approach."

But the frequency of those presidential messages seems to be increasing as the situation in Iraq grows more volatile. When Mr. Bush last gave a series of speeches on Iraq in December — timed with the release of a National Security Council document called "Our National Strategy for Victory in Iraq" — the effort temporarily halted a decline in both his approval ratings and support for a short-term exit strategy. Both have fallen in the past month.

So to clarify: the media is too obsessed with reporting the facts, and that makes people mad at me. I need to speak to a hand-picked group of rubes and spin the situation so it looks like I know what I'm doing. Maybe then people will stop hating me.

How presidential. I will give credit where it is due – this guy is probably the second-best president we've had all millennium. I love you, Dubs.

Where’s your God now?

It turns out that "Muppets in Space" was right: there is water – and perhaps even life – on one of Saturn's moons.

"It's startling," said Carolyn C. Porco of the Space Science Institute in Boulder , Colo., leader of the imaging team for [NASA's] Cassini [spacecraft]. Nine scientific papers about Enceladus (pronounced en-SELL-ah-dus), appear in today's issue of Science. "I wouldn't be surprised to see the planetary community clamoring for a future exploratory expedition to land on the south polar terrain of Enceladus," said Dr. Porco, lead author of one of the papers. "We have found an environment that is potentially suitable for living organisms."

Life requires at least three ingredients — water, heat and carbon-based molecules — and Enceladus may possess all three.

While rational people won't have their faith rocked by this news (if you can believe in both God and evolution, you can handle the possibility of life in other parts of the universe), those nutty Creationalists may not handle it so well. Can they possibly blame a left wing, anti-Jesus contingent (you know, the same group that fabricated evidence on all those dinosaur fossils)?

Touché Douche

Because no one asked for it, I've compiled a partial list of the world's biggest douchebags. While it is nearly impossible to get one's name removed from this list, it is fairly easy to get added on (so don't cross me again, Hasselhoff). Names are listed in no particular order:

· Scott McClellan

· Anyone who drives a Hummer

· Barry Bonds

· Dick Cheney

· Film critics

· Antonin Scalia

· David Caruso

· Ms. Molly from " Romper Room" (no, I am still not over the trauma of learning that her magic mirror was not, in fact, magical)

· G. Gordon Liddy

· The Amazing Jonathan

· Rubberneckers

· People that say "gaper's block" instead of "rubbernecking"

· Bill O'Reilly

· Anyone who still uses a dial up connection

· Anyone who asks "is it hot/cold enough for you?"

· Carrot Top

· Karl Rove

· People who drive 45 mph on Lake Shore Drive

· Hyper-sensitive political correctness Nazis

· Nazi Nazis

· Tyra Banks

· Mike DeWine

· Anyone still using AOL for anything besides e-mail (and that's a stretch)

· Isaiah Thomas

· Donald Trump

· Anyone who buys Us Weekly, In Style or any other celebrity-obsessed rag

· The publishers of Us Weekly, In Style and every other celebrity-obsessed rag

· Radio DJ's who host call-in advice shows

· George W. Bush

· Anyone who says they are "fun loving" or "down to earth"

· Randy Johnson

· Randy Jackson

· Michael Jackson

· Michael Moore

· Roger Moore

· Roger Clemens

· Kody Clemens

· Anyone whose first name is Kody, Cody, Dakota, Montana or Hunter

· People who don't read PatRoW

A Douchebag at Fox? What are the Odds?

I have no particular affinity for Teri Hatcher, nor bias against her (though back in the day, her breasts were both real and spectacular). The news of her childhood sexual molestation was disturbing…as is the news of any child abuse. Surely, she made a bold and brave decision to testify against her uncle and help put him behind bars. Surely, hers was a story that needed to be told – if for no other reason, than to show that such horrible acts can happen to anyone and that victims are not powerless. No one can fault her for speaking up, right? No one can accuse her of ulterior motives, right? Wrong.

Enter Fox News.

Somehow, douchebag Mike Straka manages to turn Hatcher's revelation into a diatribe against America's celebrity-centric culture. Sure, it's more than a little phony when a star launches a new relationship in the tabloids just as he or she begins to promote a new project, but Straka has the audacity to compare Hatcher's story with Lindsay Lohan's bulimia…you know, because rape and incest are the same as a rich girl who parties too hard.

Straka argues that Hatcher's story should be told, but only in another time and place:

…the fact that this story comes out in a cover story for Vanity Fair after its best-selling Oscar issue ever, featuring nude photos of Scarlet Johansson and Keira Knightley, is a bit disingenuous, to say the least.

OK, so because Vanity Fair ran a few photos in its last issue, Hatcher can't tell her story in the current one? I don't see the connection here. That would be like the Vice President being involved in a scandal but not talking to any media outlets that had ever run negative coverage about him. Wait a minute…

The truth is that Teri Hatcher has no agenda other than coming clean…and Fox News has no agenda other than spreading douchebagianism around the world. Good work, sirs. Earth is a douchier place because of you.