George Bush makes sense about Iraq! Uh, not *that* George Bush

One of the great things about the internet is that nothing ever goes away – and yes, I realize that will come back to haunt me when testifying in front of Congress (or trying to persuade the parole board) 30 years from now.

Anyway, an essay co-written by George H. W. Bush in the March 2, 1998 issue of Time Magazine has resurfaced, despite an apparent conspiracy to cover it up. In it, the former president gives some fairly solid reasons why he did not, despite significant pressure, force Saddam Hussein's ouster in the first Gulf War. And guess what? The rationale seems applicable today as well:

While we hoped that popular revolt or coup would topple Saddam, neither the U.S. nor the countries of the region wished to see the breakup of the Iraqi state. We were concerned about the long-term balance of power at the head of the Gulf. Trying to eliminate Saddam, extending the ground war into an occupation of Iraq, would have… incurred incalculable human and political costs. ...The coalition would instantly have collapsed, the Arabs deserting it in anger and other allies pulling out as well. …Going in and occupying Iraq, thus unilaterally exceeding the U.N.'s mandate, would have destroyed the precedent of international response to aggression we hoped to establish. Had we gone the invasion route, the U.S. could conceivably still be an occupying power in a bitterly hostile land. It would have been a dramatically different--and perhaps barren--outcome.

The Interloper's desire to distance himself from daddy has been long documented and he has infamously not turned to his father for counsel, despite the former president's considerable depth of international experience and familiarity with diplomatic nuance. No one will remember HW as an especially good president ("Read my lips: no new taxes" and puking on the Japanese guy – that's his legacy), but clearly he had a sense of the delicate political climate in the Middle East and an appreciation for the cost of American lives it would have taken to enact regime change. Is that too much to ask from our president?

And did I just pine for the wisdom of George H. W. Bush?

Un-fucking-believable

For the most part, I have avoided posting about the Iraq War, as no-win situations offer little ground for know-it-alls like me to sound smart and offer a reality check. Iraq is a depressing situation with no real solution that will continue to worsen. How/when/why will our troops get out? How can I get passionate about an answer when there are only questions?

On Wednesday, the Interloper interrupted my primetime TV viewing schedule to announce he was augmenting (apparently, in an image is everything administration, this is different than an "escalation") troop levels by 21,000. In their testimonies in front of both House and Senate committees Thursday, Secretary of State Condi Rice and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates were greeted by bipartisan opposition to the president's plan. That's right – questions about strategy and sincerity were voiced from both sides of the aisle, as some of the administration's most loyal congressional lackeys have begun to eat crow and distance themselves from Dubya's Folly.

Happily, however, for the Wonderful Wizard of the White House, one man had the courage to applaud the president's plan: you guessed it – Democratic (ahem) Senator Joe Lieberman!

In a statement released by his office, Joe Lieberman wraps his arms around the president's "correct and courageous" new strategy. "I applaud the president for rejecting the fatalism of failure and pursuing a new course to achieve success in Iraq," Lieberman says. He says that Bush has offered up "a comprehensive program to chart a new course in both winning the military struggle to establish order and in achieving the political and economic objectives to build a more promising future for Iraqis."

I had a few words about Lieberman this fall after he lost Connecticut's Democratic primary, then selfishly ran and won as an independent. I will admit I was wrong about one thing – he has chosen to caucus with the Democrats and seems willing to support the Party's main objectives. Small miracles, right?

But the fucking balls on this prick! How can any Democrat, any elected official, any sane person, still have such enthusiastic support for Dubya's dumbass plan? More than just an embarrassment to his party, Lieberman is in embarrassment to the human race; running onto a sinking ship while even the dirtiest rats escape is not as heroic as Joe would have us believe – it's a disgusting betrayal of his constituency and a treasonous insult to his office, party and nation.

Word to my mother

As a tribute to my mom and the leftward-leaning ladies in her office, I'm posting this fun animation here...you know, just in case any of you lose your BackwardsBush keychains, or BackwardsBush calendars or BackwardsBush ringtones.




Enjoy!

The Interloper does The Google

Did you hear about what our Commander in Chief does when he's on "the internets"?

"One of the things I've used on the Google is to pull up maps. It's very interesting to see that. I forgot the name of the program, but you get the satellite and you can -- like, I kind of like to look at the ranch on Google, reminds me of where I want to be sometimes. Yeah, I do it some."

Too bad he didn't use the Google to look for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. I wonder if he'll explore the Google and discover that nobody likes him.

Should the American President really be as technologically retarded as my late grandmother, who often asked if I used a computer to talk to friends "on the intercom"?

Just thought I'd be the 438^th to poke fun.

You say ‘worst president ever’; I say toe-mah-toe

The always enlightening Salon War Room plays a game of "he said – douche said" with the Interloper and key members of his administration…and boy is it fun. Or sickening. I really can't decide.

The White House said that the president's prime-time 9/11 anniversary speech wouldn't be a "political" one, and, by the standards of this administration, it wasn't. The president avoided calling his political opponents "appeasers," an argument Dick Cheney reprised in his own anniversary remarks earlier in the day, and he didn't argue, as Cheney did over the weekend, that terrorists are "encouraged" when Americans debate the future of the U.S. mission in Iraq.

…As a candidate, George W. Bush called himself a "uniter, not a divider," someone who would "refuse to play the politics of putting people into groups and pitting one group against another." As president, Bush declared that you're either "with us" or "with the terrorists," and his administration has made it clear over the past five years that while foreign governments only sometimes have to make that either/or choice, the American people always do.

Two weeks after 9/11, the president's then press secretary told Americans that they "need to watch what they say, watch what they do." Five years later, his secretary of defense equates critics of the war in Iraq with Nazi appeasers, his secretary of state compares them with Civil War-era slavery supporters, and his vice president -- never a man of metaphor -- says that the basic Democratic act of voting for a candidate who wants to see the troops redeployed comes perilously close to treason.

Got all that? War opponents are not enemy appeasers…except when they oppose the war. And all Americans are united regardless of party affiliation…except anyone who doesn't agree with the president. And we all need to choose our words carefully…except when we're ruthlessly slandering anyone who stands against us.

I know its all par for the course, but I just thought it needed to be said again. We need to remember these hypocritical words and deeds come November because, as a not-so-wise man once said, "fool me once, shame on -- shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again."

I’d like to thank my chief strategist, Osama…

Addressing the American Legion National Convention in Salt Lake City yesterday, the Interloper gave some interesting justifications for why it is critical for the US to maintain its illegal war and occupation of Iraq:

Here at home we have a choice to make about Iraq. Some politicians look at our efforts in Iraq and see a diversion from the war on terror. That would come as news to Osama bin Laden, who proclaimed that the 'third world war is raging' in Iraq. It would come as news to the number two man of al Qaeda, Zawahiri, who has called the struggle in Iraq, quote, 'the place for the greatest battle.'

That's right – he went there. No longer content to let his VP make silly claims that terrorists are emboldened by a primary election, or his SecDef blatantly lie about the state of affairs in Baghdad, Dubya is now "proving" our moral obligation to fight by quoting Osama-freaking-bin Laden!

What a fucking douchebag. We have to fight because Osama says so? Since when does American foreign policy take its lead from oil-rich, Saudi extremists?

Oh yeah…

Has he heard the one about the guy in the Oval Office?

Reports out of Washington confirm that the Interloper's fourth grade intellect matches his fourth grade sense of humor:

…the first frat boy loves flatulence jokes. A top insider let that slip when explaining why President Bush is paranoid around women, always worried about his behavior. But he's still a funny, earthy guy who, for example, can't get enough of fart jokes. He's also known to cut a few for laughs, especially when greeting new young aides…

Damn, strike a solitary checkmark in the column entitled "Reasons to Like the Guy".

The man, the myth, the douchebag

In an ironic twist, yesterday George W. Bush proclaimed Israel's victory over Hezbollah at roughly the same time Iran, Syria and Hezbollah itself declared a victorious campaign over Israeli forces and American influence. The Washington Post's Dan Froomkin believes that the Interloper's "startling assertion…once again raises questions about his ability to acknowledge reality when things don't turn out the way he intended."

While his word no longer carries any capital, I sure would like to believe the president. Unfortunately, Dubya's press conference speaks for itself (or at least it does when you read between read between the lines). You remember the rules of this game , right?

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Today I met with members of my national security team, both here at the State Department and at the Pentagon.

I call them my "home" and "away" teams and let Condi choose her own entrance music. I was hoping for something by Metallica or Kiss, but she picked "99 Luftballoons". What it lacks is testicular fortitude, it makes up for in catchiness.

Friday's U.N. Security Council resolution on Lebanon is an important step forward that will help bring an end to the violence…We're now working with our international partners to turn the words of this resolution into action.

Stupid partners. They always want to share stuff and crap.

Responsibility for the suffering of the Lebanese people also lies with Hezbollah's state sponsors, Iran and Syria.

And with terrorism's biggest global fertilizer: my administration.

We can only imagine how much more dangerous this conflict would be if Iran had the nuclear weapon it seeks.

And I can only imagine what it feels like to go a day without a boom boom in my pants.

We've launched a forward strategy of freedom in the broader Middle East . And that strategy has helped bring hope to millions and fostered the birth of young democracies from Baghdad to Beirut.

Yup, lots of hope these days in Baghdad and Beirut.

It's no coincidence that two nations that are building free societies in the heart of the Middle East, Lebanon and Iraq, are also the scenes of the most violent terrorist activity.

I'm telling you, the fact that we invaded Iraq without cause or provocation has nothing to do with it.

The problem in the Middle East today is not that people lack the desire for freedom.

The problem is that the freedom most Middle Easterners crave is the freedom to burn American flags and them little rag dolls that sorta look like me. I told Rummy – "you gotta stop them A-rabs and their Mexican voodoo" but he was all like, "Just sign this, sir," and I was like "Dick, what time does Aqua Teen Hunger Force come on TV?" and he was like "after your bedtime Mr. President" and I said to Laura, "Hey sexy momma - get me a set of pajamas with the little footies attached, cause otherwise, the terrorists have won."

Any time we get a hint that there might be a terrorist cell in the United States , we move on it. And we're listening, we're looking, and one thing that's important is for us to make sure that those people who are trying to disrupt terrorist cells in the United States have the tools necessary to do so within the Constitution of the United States.

Or outside the Constitution, or around the Constitution, or without any regard whatsoever to the Constitution. The tools are the most important thing. And lemonade. You can't catch a terrorist if you're parched, and my anti-terror task forces are the thirst-quenchiest in the world. Does anybody want some lemonade? I'm sure I can get a batch whipped up for everybody…

Quick Hits: Salon Selective

I subscribe to daily e-mail updates from Salon, which often serve as fodder for my brilliant posts. What happens, however, when I go away and the links pile up in my inbox? That's right – you get an oversized collection of stories and comments…and I have the nerve to call this shit "Quick Hits".

They can't all be douchebags, right? A Washington Post reporter had a very public, yet off-the-record lunch with a blue state GOP candidate (public in that teen heartthrob Bill Frist stopped by to say hello; private in that the reporter was not allowed to name his dining companion). Perhaps the political hopeful asked for anonymity because he had this to say:

Iraq : The war "didn't work" because "we didn't prepare for the peace."

Katrina: "A monumental failure of government."

Republicans in Congress: "We've lost our way, we've gone to the well and we drank the water, and we shouldn't have. You don't go to Congress to become the party that you've been fighting for 40 years."

The president: "In 2001, we were attacked and the president is on the ground, on a mound with his arm around the fireman, symbol of America. In Katrina, the president is at 30,000 feet in an airplane looking down at people dying, living on a bridge. And that disconnect, I think, sums up, for me at least, the frustration that Americans feel."

The president's refusal to admit failure in Iraq: "I don't know why the people around him don't see that. It is a frustration, to say the least. I think it is a lost opportunity to bring the American people along on a mission that is incredibly important."

The outlook: Being a Republican now is "an impediment ... a hurdle I have to overcome. I've got an 'R' here, a scarlet letter ... If this race is about Republicans and Democrats, I lose."

This guy's a Republican? He makes Joe Lieberman look like Dick Cheney! Actually, Joe does a pretty good job of that himself… Joementum my ass.

Mother knows best – my mom first told me about Josh Bolten's transcendent appearance on Meet the Press. But mom – what do you really think?

The latest outrage is that the interloper in the White House (Are you listening, Dick?) vetoed the stem cell bill and had the colossal nerve to say it was not political, but moral for him. I think that man (and most of his administration) is amoral. That was a blatant political move – having those "snowflake" babies and their families on TV. He has no moral fiber in my eyes… I though Tim Russert made mincemeat of the Chief of Staff, Josh Bolton, on this issue. I actually felt (a little) bad for this guy. I mused to dad that they can't possibly pay him enough for him to go on national TV and lie. But I guess they do.

Did I mention that my mom can't call George W. Bush "the president"? For a while, she was referring to him as "the man in the White House". Now, she's all about "the interloper". I think this one may have some legs…

Reading is Fundamental – on some level, you have to respect Karl Rove. No, not on any human levels, but on the way he can mold those around him into saying and doing stupid things (kind of like a balder, fatter, more evil version of Satan). His influence was apparent again last week when his attorney uttered this brilliant quip about the Valerie Plame lawsuit: " The allegations are without merit. We may comment further when we have an opportunity to review the complaint."

The quote truly sums up the Bush administration – a group of douchebags who came to power after recognizing that genuine knowledge is overrated, and reading is for pussy, commie liberals.

A sanctified solution – whenever someone opines that "homosexuals threaten the institution of marriage", I counter by saying that the sanctity of what my marriage is less threatened by gay relationships than by the 50% of straight couples who get divorced. Now, Representative Lincoln Davis (D-TN) has come up with an interesting – albeit tongue-in-cheek – solution:

If the sanctity of marriage is to be preserved, Davis deadpanned, Congress should "outlaw divorce" and make adultery "a felony." In addition, Davis said, "We should prevent those who commit adultery or get a divorce from running an office. Mr. Speaker, this House must lead by example. If we want those watching on C-SPAN to actually believe that we're serious about protecting marriage, then we should go after the other major threats to the institution."

Shit, its logic like this that's going to give Congress a good name again. Someone needs to stop this Davis character.

Better late than never? Representative Gil Gutknecht (R-MN), once one of the House's staunches supporters of Dubya's Folly (ooh, I like that one. Can I trademark it?), now is expressing doubts.

Gutknecht learned during his visit to Iraq that Baghdad is a "serious problem" and "worse today than it was three years ago." Another of Gutknecht's breaking-news discoveries: "We learned it's not safe to go anywhere outside of the Green Zone any part of the day."

It shouldn't take a trip to Baghdad to learn these things; anyone reading any reputable newspaper over the past year would have already known everything that Gutknecht just found out. So why didn't he? Gutknecht says he has been at the receiving end of faulty "spin" from the Bush administration, including claims that the violence in Iraq was being caused by just a few hundred insurgents. "All of the information we receive sometimes from the Pentagon and the State Department isn't always true," he says.

…Gutknecht says that if conditions don't improve quickly in Iraq, "Americans are going to start to losing faith in this thing."

I tell you, if Gutknecht ever loses his seat in the House, I will be the first to nominate him for the largely ceremonial position of Captain Obvious. What's next, Gil? "Yellow snow tastes like pee"? Thanks for the insight, dickwad.

Reason for hope – instead of being Peter Pessimism all the time, here's some reason for hope that our county – and lives – may be better after the November elections. This story includes news that PatRoW's favorite Land of the Lost-turned admiral-turned congressional candidate may actually unseat a GOP incumbent. Good times.

Asphincter sayswhat?

Apparently, I'm not the only one who likes to use the president's words against him to illustrate the man's idiocy. Salon has a nice timeline of Dubya's quotes (and the corresponding links from whence they came) to show a solid stretch of hypocrisy.

My favorite? When he claimed that he " learned some lessons about expressing myself maybe in a little more sophisticated manner", then admitted that he expressed regret for some of his less sophisticated Bush-isms only because "my wife got on me for talking that way".

I swear, one of these days I may run out of ways to call this guy a douche. Not today…but one of these days.

Highway to the Douchebag Zone

"Democratic" Senator Joe Lieberman debated his primary opponent last night at the same time CNN aired an interview Dubya and the missus did with Larry King. Salon asks an important question – can anyone tell the two douchebags apart? Let's look at some of their quotes:

1. "The decision to remove Saddam Hussein was the right decision and I'm absolutely convinced it was."

2. "And I believe it was the right thing for us to overthrow Saddam Hussein."

3. "Things don't happen quickly when it comes to helping a nation go from a tyranny to a democracy. But the Iraqi people were given a chance to vote and they did overwhelmingly. And now we're working with a new unity government, to help succeed.

4. "The situation in Iraq is a lot better, different than it was a year ago. The Iraqis held three elections. They formed a unity government. They are on the way to building a free and independent Iraq. Their military -- two-thirds of their military is now ready, on their own, to lead the fight with some logistical backing from the U.S. or stand up on their own totally. That's progress."

5. "I'd rather be judged as solving problems and being correct, rather than being popular."

6. "And I have asked [the people] to respect me for having the guts to take an unpopular political position."

7. "We will succeed in Iraq, unless we decide to quit."

8. " . . . we have a choice. And that choice is between helping the Iraqis achieve a free and independent Iraq or abandoning them and letting the terrorists take over."

So which one is George Bush, and which one is the one who proclaims himself "not George Bush"? The Republican president is responsible for statements 1, 3, 5 and 7. The Democrat senator -- for now -- can take credit for 2, 4, 6 and 8.

At least Lieberman didn't come out for the debate dressed in a flight suit and declaring "mission accomplished"…but why do I still get the feeling that he fashions himself Iceman to Dubya's Maverick?

Lieberman: You can be my wingman anytime, Georgie.

Bush: Bullshit! You can be mine, Joey.

Lieberman: Let's make out.

Bush: OK. Want a reach-around?

What? Am I the only one who saw Brokeback Squadron?

I wear my sunglasses at night…

…so I can, so I can stick my foot in my mouth.

OK, that's probably not the lyric that Corey Hart had in mind, and it's more of a funny story than true critique of the president, but still…the man wears idiocy amazingly well, don't you think?

Most people have probably already heard about President Bush's calling out of a shades-wearing reporter at a recent press conference. No? Well, here's the transcript:

Bush: Yes, Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?

Los Angeles Times' Peter Wallsten: I can take them off.

Bush: I'm interested in the shade look, seriously.

Wallsten: All right, I'll keep it, then.

Bush: For the viewers, there's no sun.

Wallsten: I guess it depends on your perspective.

Bush: Touché.

The (ahem) joke here is that Wallsten is legally blind due to a genetic defect – the degenerative effect of which can be slowed by avoiding bright lights. To his credit, Bush called Wallsten immediately after discovering his faux pas and the reporter chose not to make a big deal out of one of the president's less deadly and more understandable blunders.

Hey – we've all said some pretty dumb things (some of us on Pennsylvania Avenue more so than others), but if you thought I was going to let this story pas by without comment, well, you don't know me or my sense of humor all that well.

Frankly, I think Dubya is just a big fan of 80s new wave band Timbuk3. Remember their hit that achieved heavy rotation due to its appearance on the great watchable Robin Givens vehicle "Head of the Class"? Bush sings it every day: "I study nuc-u-lar science, I love my classes. I got a crazy teacher who wears dark glasses. Things are going great…and they're only getting better. I'm doing alright, getting good grades, the future's so bright – I got to make fun of disabled reporters for wearing shades."

Seriously, you think that one is on the president's iPod?

Reading between the Lines

So I took another week plus off. Sue me. Can't a man go to Vegas, win lots of money, spend foolishly and debaucherously, lose lots of money, get limbs broken by burley goons and return home a shell of his former self? In my America he can!

Anyway, what better way to get back into the groove than by returning to an old PatRoW favorite – poking fun at a speech given by President Bush ! This was one he made yesterday, alongside Iraqi puppet Prime Minister Maliki (no, not that one – this guy apparently never pitched for the Mets):

PRESIDENT BUSH: Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for this opportunity to visit with your cabinet. I have expressed our country's desire to work with you, but I appreciate you recognizing the fact that the future of this country is in your hands.

In other words, I'm taking credit for any success, but it's your fault if shit gets blown up.

The decisions you and your cabinet make will be determinate as to whether or not a country succeeds that can govern itself, sustain itself, and defend itself.

As long as those decisions don't interefere with me and my cabinet. In that case, you can govern, sustain and defend your ass...but it won't much matter.

I'm impressed by the strength of your character and your desire to succeed. And I'm impressed by your strategy.

And I'm impressed by people who know their multiplication tables. Ain't it crazy about the number nine? Whenever you times it out, the numbers always add up to nine. I've got some geeks over at NASA trying to find an exception, but so far, nothing. I'm also impressed by fish – how do they hold their breath so long?

We discussed the security strategy. We discussed an economic strategy, a reconstruction strategy. And all of it makes sense to me.

The security strategy? Don't die. The economic strategy? Make more money. The reconstruction strategy? Build more buildings. If only an exit strategy was as simple…

And so I've come to not only look you in the eye…

Don't look him in the eye! Oh that's right…this isn't Cheney. I thought for a second we would have to call the prime minister Iraqi Pillar of Salt Maliki.

…I've also come to tell you that when America gives its word, it will keep its word.

Kinda like how a genie in a magic lamp keeps his word. You know, when you say "I want a big penis", he turns you into a horse or an over-the-hill drummer with Hepatitis C.

It's in our interests that Iraq succeed.

And when I say "our interests", of course I mean me and my buddies. And when I say "succeed", of course I mean line our pockets and pillage Iraq's natural resources. And when I say "hey" you say "ho".

It's not only in the interests of the Iraqi people, it's in the interests of the American people and for people who love freedom.

"People who love freedom"? This is Bush's version of calling someone "fun loving". Shit everyone loves freedom and everyone loves fun. Hitler thought genocide was fun – he was one crazy, fun-loving guy! Well guess what? Osama bin Laden loves freedom too – why else is he hiding from our forces in the Pakistani mountains? If he wasn't such a freedom lover, wouldn't he have already turned himself in?

Iraq is a part of the war on terror.

Some would say Iraq IS the war on terror. Or, you know, at least a distraction from the real war on terror.

And so, Mr. Prime minister, I want to thank you for giving me and my Cabinet a chance to hear from you personally and a chance to meet the members of this team you've assembled. It's an impressive group of men and women, and if given the right help, I'm convinced you will succeed.

They all know that they're just figureheads, right? Don't y'all go thinking about making any real plans now, ya hear? Remember, I'm the decider – except when Laura tells me I can't go outside in my Scooby Doo pajamas. She's good with decisions like that.

The Decider Strikes Back

El presidente was in fine form this morning, cracking wise during his announcement of Tony Snow as press secretary – a briefing dubbed by the Washington Post as the "President Bush and Tony Show". Boy, it sure is good to know that these douchebags can laugh at something other than getting drunk and shooting lawyers in the face.

Anyhoot, since picking apart the man's speeches has always been a blast, I thought I'd do so again today. Strap in, kids:

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning.

Is it? Did Cheney die in his sleep? Oh that's right – he doesn't sleep…or eat…or breathe. He does take massive shits though, laying steaming piles of turd all over our Constitution.

I'm here in the briefing room to break some news. I've asked Tony Snow to serve as my new press secretary.

Break some news? Hey, I've got a scoop for you – President Bush is a ninny (that's right – I said it).

Tony already knows most of you, and he's agreed to take the job anyway.

Stop it. My sides are literally splitting. Call a surgeon.

I am confident he will help you do your job. My job is to make decisions, and his job is to help explain those decisions to the press corps and the American people.

This shit again? Dude, we get it. You can make a decision…not necessarily a *good* decision, but what does that matter?

He understands like I understand that the press is vital to our democracy.

Unless the press criticizes the president, the administration's policies or our penchant for committing criminal acts. Then they're all commies.

He's going to work hard to provide you with timely information about my philosophy, my priorities, and the actions we're taking to implement our agenda.

Who cares about accurate information as long as it's timely, right?

He's taught children in Kenya. He belongs to a rock band called Beats Working.

He's a Capricorn. He ties his shoelaces in double-knots. He flosses twice a day.

He succeeds a decent and talented man in Scott McClellan.

Why is everyone in the room laughing so hard? What's so funny? I didn't even get to the punchline yet. Laura, make them be nice to me!

Do any of the voices know how to pronounce ‘nuclear’?

When Google News runs a link titled "Bush Hears Voices", you can bet your ass I'm going to click. And while I'm somewhat disappointed that the "voices" are not a manifestation of his psychotic break, I do find it somewhat reassuring that Dubya recognizes that the American people think he's an idiot.

In this week's New York Observer , Joe Conason asks if the president merely hears, or if he is capable of listening to the growing number of dissenters:

"I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation," said the President of the United States, sounding as peevish as a toddler banging his silver spoon on the high chair. "But I'm the decider, and I decide what's best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense."

By reminding everybody that he is "the decider," George W. Bush no doubt hoped to stifle embarrassing protests from a growing corps of retired officers such as General Anthony Zinni, who believe that the war in Iraq has been ruinously botched and that the Secretary of Defense should retire. But his defensive outburst only drew attention to the most deserving target of criticism: himself.

What a douche. I can hear the SNL spoof now: "I'm the decider. I decide things. I make decisions because I have decision-making power. I am decisive – that means I stick to what I decide."

Conason also introduces his readers to the growing number of decorated soldiers and "Iraq veterans who are stepping forward to run for Congress as Democrats":

Among those candidates is Joe Sestak, a retired vice admiral seeking to unseat Curt Weldon, the entrenched (and truly egregious) Republican incumbent in Pennsylvania's Seventh District. During his 31-year career in the Navy, Mr. Sestak's assignments ranged from commanding a battle group in the Persian Gulf to serving on the National Security Council staff and overseeing the Quadrennial Defense Review. (He also happens to have earned a master's in public administration and a doctorate in government from Harvard.)

Contrary to rumors started by Paul Wolfowitz, Sestak is not, in fact, a large, bug-eyed creature from the Land of the Lost. That's a relief…although I'd still vote for him anyway.

Arrogance is Bliss

You have to hand it to these assholes – they sure know how to shirk responsibility like few others in history.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall of a Bush administration strategy meeting. I don't know how I would handle illegal invasions and disclosure of classified information (perhaps those things wouldn't happen under my watch...but I digress), but these guys do it with gusto – they lie through their stinking teeth!

"After we liberated Iraq, there were questions in people's minds about the basis on which we made statements," Bush said in a question-and-answer session Monday before the Johns Hopkins School of Advanced International Studies in Washington. "I wanted people to see what some of those statements were based on. I wanted people to see the truth."

To clarify – Bush wanted "people to see the truth" about his war justification lies, so he lied about how he illegally leaked this information to the public. Someone should really tell the guy that while three lefts do, in fact, make a right, three wrongs do not.

Bush’s Big Brass Balls

Bush Asks U.S. to Look Past Iraq Bloodshed

Holy motherfucking shit.

Did I just read that headline right? Does the president really expect to get another free pass? You may not like the man or his policies, but you have to respect his sheer audacity.

Anyway, Dubya spoke yesterday to a group in Cleveland that grilled him on the war in Iraq, his illegal wiretapping policy, relations with Iran and other important matters. And let me tell you, it was reassuring to read that "he could 'understand people being disheartened' but appealed to Americans to look beyond the bloodshed and see signs of progress."

Boy, that sure is grand of him. I hear that in the Q&A session, Bush also a sked AIDS patients to look past their fatal disease and enjoy the weight loss.

After fielding questions for nearly an hour, the president joked "Does anybody work here in this town?" He chuckled for a few seconds, then realized he was in Ohio…so the answer was no. I hate it when my shitty economic policy comes back to bite me in the ass, don't you?

Liar, Liar, Pants Ablaze

It's been entirely too long since PatRoW has taken a run at our president, who makes it entirely too easy to attack his transparent and self-serving policy. Well, the simpleton spoke yesterday to the Foundation for the Defense of Democracies…giving us an opportunity to study some of his lunacy and lies:

THE PRESIDENT: Thanks for the warm welcome…

Uh oh…looks like we got us one of "those" types of audiences. Apparently, our president only makes public speeches in Stepford.

… I also want to thank the members of the board of the Foundation for the Defense of the Democracies. I want to thank Steve Trachtenberg, the President of George Washington University, and his wife, Fran, for joining us today. Thanks for letting me come to your campus. I'm honored to be here.

Holy shit! Now I know why we lost to Temple and got a #8 seed! Mr. Trachtenberg – I don't care how hot your daughter is; cow-towing to Dubya brings you dangerously close to making my list.

He informed me that my dad will be giving the graduation speech this year. (Laughter.) And Mother is getting an honorary degree. (Laughter.) Smart man. (Laughter and applause.)…

Oh no you didn't. Steven Trachtenberg, you are officially a douchebag.

…The mission of this Foundation is to defeat terror by promoting democracy -- and that is the mission of my administration.

You know, as long as by defeating terror we can line our pockets.

…And so America is committed to an historic, long-term goal: To secure the peace of the world, we seek the end of tyranny in our world.

Tyranny at home doesn't count.

…Next week, we will mark the three-year anniversary of the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Or as it's called in some circles, Operation Cluster Fuck.

In less than three years, the Iraqi people have gone from living under the boot of a brutal tyrant, to liberation, to sovereignty, to free elections, to a constitutional referendum…

to living under the boot of another brutal tyrant. Gotta love that circle of life shit.

…By their courage, the Iraqi people have spoken and made their intentions clear: they want to live in democracy -- and they are determined to shape their own destiny.

Funny, I thought the intentions they made most clear was the desire to get us the fuck out of their country.

… In the weeks ahead, Americans will likely see a good deal of political maneuvering in Iraq -- as different factions and leaders advance competing agendas and seek their share of political power.

Little do they know that my agenda is the only one that matters.

…The terrorists know they cannot defeat us militarily -- so they have turned to the weapon of fear. And one of the most brutal weapons at their disposal are improvised explosive devices, or IEDs.

We have to find a way to stop the terrorists from using these IEDs, since God hates abortion and all kinds of birth control.

… The terrorists are losing on the field of battle, so they are fighting this war through the pictures we see on television and in the newspapers every day.

That's right – America's free press is really just a pawn of the terrorists.

…The stakes in Iraq are high. By helping Iraqis build a democracy, we will deny the terrorists a safe haven to plan attacks against America.

Even while forcing Iraq to build a democracy, we have fostered for the terrorists a safe haven to plan attacks against America.

…May God bless the families of the fallen. May God bless our troops in the fight. And may God continue to bless the United States of America.

As long as we believe in Jesus. That means you, Jewey.

…

For those living with blinders, the NY Times explains the motives and timing of Bush's speech:

Mr. Bush has expressed concern that televised images of the continuing violence in Iraq, especially between Shiite and Sunni Muslims, is further undercutting support for the war. In advance of the speech, one of Mr. Bush's aides said last week that "at various moments, we have had to get the president out there to reassure people, re-explain the strategy, and make it clear that we have a long-term approach."

But the frequency of those presidential messages seems to be increasing as the situation in Iraq grows more volatile. When Mr. Bush last gave a series of speeches on Iraq in December — timed with the release of a National Security Council document called "Our National Strategy for Victory in Iraq" — the effort temporarily halted a decline in both his approval ratings and support for a short-term exit strategy. Both have fallen in the past month.

So to clarify: the media is too obsessed with reporting the facts, and that makes people mad at me. I need to speak to a hand-picked group of rubes and spin the situation so it looks like I know what I'm doing. Maybe then people will stop hating me.

How presidential. I will give credit where it is due – this guy is probably the second-best president we've had all millennium. I love you, Dubs.