Broads say the darndest things

What's the best way to get back on the horse after missing some time from my regular blogging? Why, a study of recent Broadsheet headlines of course!

 

As always, I vow that the headlines themselves are far funnier than the actual articles…which I could not be bothered to read…so I made up my own descriptions.

Is Britney Spears bad for Hillary Clinton's campaign? – who cares as long as she's good for Bill's masturbatory fantasies?

 

Anxious about your areolas? Who isn't? Frankly, I'm a bit anxious about your areolas too…can I have another look?

 

Do big boobs boost self-esteem? Is that self-esteem in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

 

More orgasms for single women – contact patrow.blog@gmail.com

 

Life-changing Maxi-pads? Their super-duper absorbency protects Indonesian village from latest tsunami

Let's see what the folks over at 'Broadsheet' have to say about this one

I've been (unsuccessfully) battling the flu all week and don't yet have the energy to post in full. Luckily, it was for such occasions that God invented YouTube. Have a nice weekend.

Back to Basics

I was on mini-holiday last week and I apologize to those who have had to go without your semi-regular PatRoW fix. To fill the void, I am returning today to an old standard: listing some of the best headlines from the last month of Salon's Broadsheet. As always, I vow that I have not read any of the articles; who needs to be informed when the jokes write themselves?

 

If breasts could talk - …they'd say, "Put me in your mouth." Those breasts…perverts, the whole lot of them.

 

Elective C-sections: Convenient or chancy? – what, are those the only two choices? Are we discriminating against "mouth-watering" simply because it doesn't begin with the letter "c"?

 

"Rape Only Hurts If You Fight It" – right, and it's not gay if you don't push back.

 

Good cop vs. slutty stripper – It's the Godzilla vs. Mothra (or Gilligan's Island versus the Harlem Globetrotters) of the 21^st Century!

 

My vagina's school district – Do you think they make bumper stickers that say "My vagina is an honor student at Abraham Lincoln Junior High"? Because I know people in the printing business that can run with a good idea…

 

Ann Coulter: The board game – wow…what would you possibly call an Ann Coulter board game? Cunts and ladders? How about Douchey Douchey Douchebags? Send your idea for an Ann Coulter board game in a blog comment or via e-mail to patrow.blog@gmail.com. A special PatRoW prize will be awarded for the best entry.

This one is for the ladies

I have developed quite an affinity for the headlines, if not content, at Salon's Broadsheet. Actually, that's not fair; I've never read any of the articles. How could I? They couldn't help but be a disappointment after the bar was set so high by some anonymous headline writer.

Anyway, as part of a new feature on PatRoW, I bring you the Best of Broadsheet (fourth week of January, 2007 edition). As always, my comments are on the headlines only, not the story itself…which I don't care enough to read:

Prostitution or a "humanitarian" solution? – I don't know…are the two mutually exclusive?

A tutorial in selling sex – finally, someone is willing to teach young ladies about the do's and don'ts of hooking!

Do kids make you fat? – no, and neither do those pants…it's your ass that makes you look fat!

Child rape in the movies – outside of Sundance, is this such a pervasive theme in cinema, or just a pedophile's fantasy?

Skinny girls to blame for train delays – and fat girls to blame for potholes, global warming and killing Jesus.

When are girls too young to go wild? – seven? Eight? Any younger and that's just sick, mister.

Quick Hits - Week(s) in Review

What happens when Republicans falter, Democrats don’t screw up and my political blood pressure cools from a boil to a mere simmer? PatRoW readers get the shaft with (at best) infrequent postings or (at worst) mediocre baseball analysis. But don’t fret, friends – Quick Hits has returned to pick up the many pieces that are worth a word or two, if not a full-fledged rant.

There is a gay agenda -- winning elections – I don’t believe it. Barney Frank, you sly dog you!

K-K-Kramer – anyone else still have Michael Richards’ catchy apology rap stuck in his head? Um…me neither.

Likability poll bad news for Kerry – perhaps the most understated headline of the year. It seems that the Massachusetts Senator, flubbed joke making, once-and-future Democratic presidential candidate finished dead last in a nation-wide likability poll of 20 top American political figures. Saying that this is “bad news” for Kerry is akin to saying that the passing of a kidney stone will lead to “some discomfort” or that the war in Iraq has been “notably different” results than what administration officials had hoped for. Way to go out on a limb, Reuters.

How is Kate Winslet like a car? – from those zany folks at Broadsheet, comes the latest in a series of wacky headlines. So how is Kate Winslet like a car, you ask? Hell, I can play this game without reading the article!

· She has “Oldsmobile” tattooed on her bumper

· Heh, heh. Hummer. Heh, heh.

· She has dumps like a truck, truck, truck

· “At 17 I went to prison for murder. By 19, I was penniless and heartbroken. I almost drowned at 20. My mind started to go at 24. Then I had my memory erased at 28. And by 29, I was in Neverland.” OK – so that really has nothing to do with how she’s like a car, but every time I see that stupid American Express commercial I want to run Kate over with my Honda Accord

Feel free to add your own idea for “how Kate Winslet is like a car” by posting a comment below. Trust me, it’s a blast!

Peace out, my Wigga – amazingly, this is not another Michael Richards joke. Rather, it’s an amusing tongue-in-cheek “entertainment” piece written by Salon’s sports writer, King Kaufman. Not so amusing is the fact that this seems to be a real story, not a spoof.

Sex and the single septuagenarian – and you laughed when I joked about this back in March. You know, there really is nothing sexier than the thought of busting a nut and breaking a hip at the same time.

Quick Hits: Rebel without a Cause

Has it really been a week since the election? Did the Democrats really win both bodies of Congress (I guess I'm the only one who doesn't count 49-49-2 as a win)? Shit…what am I going to get all hot and bothered about now? How about this crap:

Have you heard my rape joke? Maybe it's written for women, and maybe I'll never read one of the articles, but Salon's "Broadsheet" employs the world's best bad headline writer. Remember this one?

Fed up – there's schadenfreude and then there's ironic schadenfreude. Click here to read what might be the last interview Kevin Federline gave as a married man. Also, you can finally learn why the single "Papozao" didn't make it on K-Fed's new album (I'm sure the question has been keeping you awake at night).

Missing in Action – OK, so I can't speak – or write – French. Get over yourself, Kerry.

O.J. Simpson to discuss killings – You gotta hand it to OJ; the guy sure has balls. Not content with literally getting away with murder, the Juice has written a book entitled "If I Did It" in which he discusses how he would have killed Nicole and Ron…but he didn't kill them…this isn't an admission of guilt…but even if it is, fuck you, double jeopardy and all that shit. And which revolting TV network is airing a two-part interview with OJ? Actually, I suppose that's not much of a challenge; I mean, what other network would I call "revolting" and what other network would glorify and glamorize a killer who thumbs his nose at our legal system?

And I'm still talking about OJ…not Rumsfeld.

Does Hillary have a Friend in Iowa? – damn, I love a good conspiracy theory. Especially, one in which a vast liberal network conspires to diminish the value of state primaries and set their party's presidential ticket 23 ½ months before the election. Here's the thing, and I have repeated it too often – Hillary can't win a general election, and she's smart enough to know it. My guess/hope is that Hillary is stepping up as the front-runner now and will absorb the right's attacks until summer 2008 (she's been taking their best shots for almost 15 straight years…she can handle it). Then, seemingly "beaten", Hillary will step aside and a phoenix-like Democratic candidate will rise from her ashes to carry the left and pose an attractive alternative to millions of independents who would never have voted for New York's junior senator.

Blast from the Past

Every once in a while, a great voice will silence itself rather than yield to sheer popular momentum. In the case of PatRoW, I've had a busy two weeks. And the Mets crushed my hopes and dreams…or at least my plans for a weekend in Detroit.

So what did I miss?

Hey – there's an election thing going on and (fingers crossed) the Democrats haven't totally fucked things up…yet. With seemingly infinite proof that Iraq was a mistake and leadership has no plan, even military veterans and their families are on the cusp on deserting the GOP. Well at least Republicans still have the fierce loyalty of their bestest buddies, the Christian Right, right? Uh… not so much. The loss of those two groups will probably hurt more than the loss of support from high school bullies, who no doubt will be turned off by Rick Santorum coming out of the closet as a Star Trek Lord of the Rings geek.

It's not all good for the Dems. Likely presidential candidate (and perhaps only "I'm not Hillary" candidate with a chance) Mark Warner dropped out of the race to "spend more time with family". Like you, I assumed that meant an impending sex scandal…but it seems as if the former Virginia governor may simply enjoy hanging out with his wife and kids. Some wonder if Warner's exit will open the door for a figurative and literal dark horse. And a popular pollster compares a possible Democratic election victory to the life of Forrest Gump (mama always said electoral politics was like a box of chocolates).

How about the issues? Well, ladies – you better get your abortions now…that is, if you live in South Dakota. The environment is proving to be a convenient wedge issue in gubernatorial races from New York and Florida to Oregon and California. The GOP keeps trucking out its tired "stay the course v. duck and run" routine, but hey, at least Rummy's mission was clearly outlined by God. Did I just call it stay the course? Republicans never, ever said "stay the course"… except when they did.

There was an article entitled " Bill O'Reilly: not a good obstetric-health authority ", which is funny on so many levels that I couldn't even bring myself to read past the headline. But it does illustrate one more way Bill O'Reilly and I are exact opposites.

I'm back, baby! People of Norway – your hero has come home.