Intelligent Evolution

A funny thing is happening in the nation's heartland – many of Kansas' moderate Republicans, disgusted with the state party's social conservative agenda, have switched parties and running for office as Democrats. And they said evolution was dead in Kansas…

This November, Democrat candidates will include the former chairman of the Kansas Republican Party, a four-term district attorney, and seven other former GOPissants. Credit for their redemption can be attributed to Democratic Governor Kathleen Sebelius and state party chairman Larry Gates…but they had some help.

Sebelius and Gates have been abetted by the social conservatives who dominate the Kansas Republican Party. When conservative Republicans won seats on the state school board, for example, and changed the science teaching standards to include the theory of intelligent design, Kansas became a national punch line, and moderate Republicans squirmed.

[Paul] Morrison, the Democratic candidate for attorney general, says that it took more than a call from Sebelius to persuade him to switch. Morrison, who calls himself a "very, very moderate person," felt that incumbent Phill Kline had turned the attorney general's office into a platform for partisan politics. Kline made headlines when he attempted to access the medical records of Kansas women who'd had abortions. "So much time and energy," Morrison says, "is being spent on pursuing a narrow partisan agenda that most people don't agree with."

For Cindy Neighbor, who's running for the state House, the decision to ditch the Republican Party came when she looked at a platform that included opposition to stem cell research and support for school vouchers and the teaching of intelligent design.

Hmm…maybe we should encourage more ridiculous right-wing agendas and outlandish hyperbole. I mean, if we shake the few sensible apples off the GOP tree, the Democratic Party stands a much better chance at capturing moderate/independent voters and passing legislation that matters, right?

Actually, some people disagree. Kansas State University Political Science professor Joe Aistrup thinks that " the addition of former Republicans may be shifting Kansas Democrats to the right. Any time, as a party, you start expanding the base to include former members of the other party, you're recalibrating the party to a more moderate point of view." And Thomas Frank, author and self-proclaimed player on "Team Liberal" says that, "I don't think it's that great a victory if people come to the Democratic Party without any kind of change of heart, or if the Democratic Party is just becoming full of moderate Republicans. Then that's, in some ways, a terrible defeat for my side."

As much as I want to see Team Liberal win (and dude – when are we getting team jerseys already?), I can't help but think that we have to make room for all moderates, at least in a state as Red as Kansas. Core liberal issues may never play in the Sunflower State, but I think we need to swallow our blue pride for a chance to capture as many offices as possible. Maybe Kansas will never fully embrace the liberal revolution, but there's a good chance we can help its citizens evolve into a mindset a bit more appropriate for the 21 ^st Century.

Darwin would be so proud.

Can’t stop the follow up

It's amazing that Joe Lieberman didn't catch this one, but as I pointed out in yesterday's follow-up post, Florida's Katherine Harris believes that only Christians should be elected to political office because everyone else will burn in hell.

But what about us God-fearing, Jew-type people?

Apparently wary of offending the Semitic vote (Broward County specifically is like Hymie Town South), Kat's campaign is backing off some of her strong rhetoric. A statement released yesterday said:

Harris was speaking to a Christian audience, addressing a common misperception that people of faith should not be actively involved in government. Addressing this Christian publication, Harris provided a statement that explains her deep grounding in Judeo-Christian values.

In other words, I was pandering to Jesus freaks, so cut me some slack you damn Heebs!

Uh oh…I mean, did I mention that my new campaign manager is the grandson of Holocaust survivors? That should get me a few kike votes.

Shit, I did it again. Umm…I voted in Congress to recognize the 58^th anniversary of the creation of the State of Israel – and everybody knows that the 58 ^th anniversary is the one that really matters.

Please vote for me. I'd kiss your Jew babies, except I'm worried about catching the plague. You understand, right Shlomo?

Follow-up Frenzy

I stumbled across some follow-up items corresponding to a few old posts, and once I realized that rehashing the past is a lot easier than creating something new, I jumped on board with vim and vigor (is the word "vim" ever used without "vigor"? It's kind of like "ensuing" and "kickoff", right? Please send any examples of vim without vigor to patrow.blog@gmail.com or leave a comment at the bottom of this post).

Anyway, Katherine Harris – she of the hilariously under-attended campaign rally – has a mighty high opinion of herself. In an interview with the Florida Baptist Witness (a notoriously impartial and legitimate media outlet), Kat talked about why Floridians should vote her into the US Senate:

…why should people care? If you are not electing Christians, tried and true, under public scrutiny and pressure, if you're not electing Christians, then in essence you are going to legislate sin. They can legislate sin. They can say that abortion is all right. They can vote to sustain gay marriage. And that will take Western civilization, indeed other nations because people look to our country as one nation as under God, and whenever we legislate sin and we say abortion is permissible and we say gay unions are permissible, then average citizens who are not Christians, because they don't know better, we are leading them astray and it's wrong.

Hear that, Florida? The fate of western civilization hinges on your vote for Kat. That's no exaggeration…not at all.

Moving on, it appears that Gil Gutknecht is both a visionary and a trendsetter, because now another GOP congressman has returned from a trip to Iraq and suddenly had a change of heart about American troop involvement. You know, at this rate we convince every Republican by Christmas…2028.

Finally, Joe Scarborough's "Is Bush an idiot?" bit can be seen in its entirety thanks to the good folks at You Tube . Good times.

I know you are but what am I?

So it turns out that not only am I not a bad Jew for opposing Joe Lieberman, but through sheer hubris and hypocrisy, he may have violated more Talmudic law than I did when I married a shiksa.

Orthodox Jew Stephen Hirsch examines "Reb Yosef" and his famous Senate floor rebuke of Bill Clinton's adultery. The Reader's Digest version? Captain Chutzpah is a self-serving and superiority-complexed boob. That's right – a boob.

If you're keeping score at home, that means I'm an anti-anti-Semite, which, if I've learned anything from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Bogus Journey, means I'm very much pro-Semite.

That, and Wyld Stallions rule.

For the Record

I am Jewish and (if I were registered to vote in Connecticut, would have) voted against Joe Lieberman. Can we stop this anti- Semitic shit already?

Sometimes, even us Jews can be douchebags…isn't that enough?

What about four out of five Democrats across the country declaring happiness with Lieberman's defeat? Did you notice that nearly every prominent Democrat has already vocally supported Lamont and/or urged Lieberman to kill his Independent candidacy? What do these facts mean?

Oh yeah, I forgot – we all hate the Jews. Yeah, that makes sense…

Silent Birth = Delicious Afterbirth?

Tom Cruise (and Scientologists in general) makes a fairly easy target, and I don't mind taking a pot shot or two. However, the latest headline may be a bit much:

Tom Cruise to snack on placenta after baby's birth?

Judging by its appearance in over 100 Google News sources, the story appears to be legitimate and not entirely unprecedented:

The practice of eating placenta is not a new one and many remote tribes are known to devour the childbirth by-product. Some cultures also believe the snack can make a woman fertile. The practice, called placentophagy, is also believed to alleviate postpartum depression if practiced by the new mother. The Chinese use human placenta in the manufacture of traditional medicines as well.

The latest issue of GQ breaks this appetizing story and quotes the more feminine half of TomKat as saying, "I'm gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there."

At this point, is there anything Cruise could say or do that would surprise us anymore? I'm half expecting him to snatch his test tube-conceived fetus from Katei Holmes' neglected womb, light its scalp on fire, proclaim his offspring to be the reincarnation of the Egyptian God Ra, then pull out his cock boast about its mystical healing powers.

Actually, that would be one Tom Cruise movie I'd pay to see…

Quick Hits – Rummy, Fatty and Douchey

Retired Maj. General: 'We need a new secretary of defense'– and while we're at it, how about a new President, Vice President, cabinet, Congress, a couple of new Supreme Court Justices , and for fuck's sake, a NEW PRESS SECRETARY !!!

Device helps find fat gene – I'm going to go out on a limb here and voice my ethical objection to implanting GPS microchips in obese people's blubber. Are fatties really that hard to find? I mean, it's not like Gene could get very far without winding himself.

'South Park' Creators Skewer Own Network – OK, we're going to spend a little time on this one…but exactly where should I direct my venom? The choices are:

1. Comedy Central's hypocrisy

2. Islam's need to take a chill pill

3. Bill Donohue calling Matt and Trey "whores"

Actually, that's not a tough decision at all. Choice #1 has been written about ad nauseam and choice #2 could get me blowed up. Looks like we have a winner by default ("Woo hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language – de fault, de fault, de fault!").

Not to be confused with the deposed talk show host, William Donohue is the president of the Catholic League – a group with no official ties to the Church that nonetheless feels compelled to lash out against anyone or anything that remotely threatens its ideology. Relishing in his constitutionally-protected rights of speech and religion, Donohue called on the South Park creators to resign (he apparently thinks no one else should be afforded the same freedoms as himself):

"The ultimate hypocrite is not Comedy Central – that's their decision not to show the image of Muhammad or not – it's Parker and Stone," he said. "Like little whores, they'll sit there and grab the bucks. They'll sit there and they'll whine and they'll take their shot at Jesus. That's their stock in trade."

Does it go without saying that Billy Boy makes The List? I am certainly not above branding people I've never met with vulgar titles, but for the sake of argument, let's examine some of Mr. Donohue's other pearls of wisdom:

Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular. It's not a secret, okay? And I'm not afraid to say it. Hollywood likes anal sex. They like abortions. [MSNBC, Scarborough Country, 12/8/04]

---

I'm pretty good about picking out who queers are. [MSNBC, Scarborough Country, 3/12/04]

---

I'm saying if a Catholic votes for Kerry because they support him on abortion rights, that is to cooperate in evil. [MSNBC, Hardball, 10/21/04]

And the topper: (while commenting on why mainstream American actors like Billy Zane and Gary Busey would star in an anti-American and anti-Semitic film like Valley of the Wolves Iraq):

"There are people in Hollywood…who are nothing more than harlots. They will do anything for the buck. They wouldn't care. If you asked them to sodomize their own mother in a movie, they would do so, and they would do it with a smile on their face." [MSNBC, Scarborough Country, 2/9/06]

That's Bill Donohue, douchebag extraordinaire and Jesus' pride and joy. We're supposed to take this guy seriously?

What’s next – a bacon cheeseburger on Yom Kippur?

It's Religion Week here at PatRoW ("week" being a loose term…it may turn out to be "Religion Day" when all is said and done). Most Gentiles may want to pass over this post without giving it a second thought, but my fellow people Israel may be interested to know this fun fact – you got it all wrong, Shlomo!

It seems that for thousands of years, Jews have misinterpreted the laws of Passover, meaning that we have deprived ourselves in misguided compliance with religious dietary law. Don't poo poo…its true.

Gentiles may not know that Passover restrictions are rooted in the story of the Jews' exodus from Egypt (remember that Charlton Heston movie they show every Easter?). Because they fled in haste, the Israelites did not allow their bread to rise, choosing instead to consume it in its unleavened state. In memory of this hardship, Jews have historically not eaten any chometz (leavened bread) during the eight days of Passover. And yet:

…rabbis in even some of the most Orthodox associations say chometz does not refer to all leavening.

"There is nothing wrong about a raised product at Passover per se," said Rabbi Moshe Elefant, executive rabbinic coordinator and chief operating officer of the Orthodox Union's kosher division, the oldest and most widely accepted certifier of kosher foods.

Lise Stern, author of "How to Keep Kosher" (Morrow, 2004), said: "Chometz, which means sharp or sour, denotes bread that has a sourness to it caused by fermentation, occurring when liquid is added to any of the five grains mentioned in the Torah. This refers to yeast, not baking powder or baking soda."

Now I'm no biblical scholar (don't look so shocked), nor have I ever faithfully kept Passover, but this is quite a substantial shakeup. Next thing you know, the Pope will OK anal sex (if it was good enough for Teresa…).

Catholics – I'll be praying for you.

Creationalism-Schmeationalsim

In what is being called the "missing link" in the transition from our planet's sea-based to land-based life, scientists have discovered 375 million year old fish fossils that mark the beginnings of limbs evolution:

…scientists found telling anatomical traits of a transitional creature, a fish that is still a fish but exhibiting changes that anticipate the emergence of land animals — a predecessor thus of amphibians, reptiles and dinosaurs, mammals and eventually humans.

The scientists described evidence in the forward fins of limbs in the making. There are the beginnings of digits, proto-wrists, elbows and shoulders. The fish also had a flat skull resembling a crocodile's, a neck, ribs and other parts that were similar to four-legged land animals known as tetrapods.

- - -

Embedded in the pectoral fins were bones that compare to the upper arm, forearm and primitive parts of the hand of land-living animals. The scientists said the joints of the fins appeared to be capable of functioning for movement on land, a case of a fish improvising with its evolved anatomy. In all likelihood, they said, Tiktaalik flexed its proto-limbs primarily on the floor of streams and may have pulled itself up on the shore for brief stretches.

Sheesh, how is Carl Everett going to explain this one? Suffice to say, the Tiktaalik roseae fossil is one not likely to be found at the Ave Maria Natural History Museum. I realize that faith means the belief in something that cannot be proved, but does God really expect us to suspend use of our brains?

Flying Spaghetti Monster proponents could not be reached for comment.

Where’s your God now?

It turns out that "Muppets in Space" was right: there is water – and perhaps even life – on one of Saturn's moons.

"It's startling," said Carolyn C. Porco of the Space Science Institute in Boulder , Colo., leader of the imaging team for [NASA's] Cassini [spacecraft]. Nine scientific papers about Enceladus (pronounced en-SELL-ah-dus), appear in today's issue of Science. "I wouldn't be surprised to see the planetary community clamoring for a future exploratory expedition to land on the south polar terrain of Enceladus," said Dr. Porco, lead author of one of the papers. "We have found an environment that is potentially suitable for living organisms."

Life requires at least three ingredients — water, heat and carbon-based molecules — and Enceladus may possess all three.

While rational people won't have their faith rocked by this news (if you can believe in both God and evolution, you can handle the possibility of life in other parts of the universe), those nutty Creationalists may not handle it so well. Can they possibly blame a left wing, anti-Jesus contingent (you know, the same group that fabricated evidence on all those dinosaur fossils)?

No Shit, Sherlock

G. Gordon Liddy is a lying, hatemongering, twit.

Earthshaking news, I know. Has your world been sufficiently rocked?
Though somewhat familiar with the man and his ridiculous take on the world, I had never heard him speak until this morning. Appearing as a guest on the Opie and Anthony XM radio show, Liddy spewed mistruth after mistruth and got me far more agitated than I should have been at 7 am. In fact, though I listen to their intentionally offensive show on a daily basis, today was the first time that distasteful content forced me to tune out O&A (luckily I had by trust Abba mix on standby to chase away my morning blues).

In the two minutes I heard Liddy rant, he fired off a “fact” on Islam and Muslims that made me cringe. I’m sure this isn’t the first time he’s said something like this (or worse):

“The Koran is all about hate. Nowhere in the book can you find anything about forgiveness – the whole thing is about war, killing and retribution.”

Sure, the Koran casts a favorable light on a lot of war, killing and retribution. But does it do so any more than either the Old or New Testaments? As an experiment, I Googled “Koran peace” and found these tidbits on the first link that popped up (my favorite is #4):

1. Chapter 3, verse 172: "Of those who answered the call of Allah and the messenger, even after being wounded, those who do right and refrain from wrong have a great reward."

...

2. Chapter 2, Verse 190: "Fight in the cause of Allah those who fight you, but do not transgress limits; for Allah loves not transgressors."

...

3. "If people are intent on using religion to motivate terror or violence, they'll find an excuse there no matter what the actual text says," says David Rodier of American University in Washington, D.C., who is an expert on the world's religions. Like the Koran, he says, most holy scriptures are filled with stories of war and warriors, and these images have been used throughout history by some members of every faith to justify bloodshed. [accents added by PaTroW]

...

4. "Religion, after all, speaks to our most basic and ultimate convictions, and if you are wanting to use violence, if you can find a religious justification, then you can find a very powerful motivation," says Rodier.

The "full picture" of Islam and the Koran, say [scholars], is captured by Chapter 5, Verse 32: "[I]f anyone slew a person…it would be as if he slew the whole people. And if anyone saved a life, it would be as if he saved the life of the whole people."

You’re right, Liddy. That Koran sounds like pure hatred to me.

Not only is his misinformation strikingly McClellanesque, but it’s dangerous as well. In fact, it wasn’t too long ago that Liddy himself advocated taking up arms against the US government:

“Now if the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms comes to disarm you and they are bearing arms, resist them with arms. Go for a head shot; they're going to be wearing bulletproof vests…They've got a big target on there, ATF. Don't shoot at that, because they've got a vest on underneath that. Head shots, head shots…Kill the sons of bitches.” 8/26/94 – on his nationally syndicated radio show

Let’s see…violence? Check. Killing? Check? Retribution? Check. If I’m not mistaken, that sounds like terrorist doctrine. Liddy must be a Muslim – I mean, it’s the only explanation for his insidious beliefs, right?

Asshole.