Get well soon – the ‘equal time’ version

White House press secretary Tony Snow, who had his colon removed in 2005, underwent exploratory abdominal surgery yesterday. Unfortunately, doctors determined that that Snow's cancer had returned and metastasized into his liver.

 

PatRoW wishes Snow a full recovery and hopes he will live a long, healthy, guilt-ridden and embarrassment-plagued life.

‘Homie has some rings to kiss and a kente-cloth pocket square to buy’

As I've documented in the past, nobody loves hyperbole more than me. That's why I couldn't pass up reading an editorial that claimed as its main argument that Barack Obama is not black.

Read that line again. I'll wait.

Salon's Debra J. Dickerson holds off on harsh criticisms of the senator's platform, but she does go after the one fact that everyone seems to agree on

"Black," in our political and social reality, means those descended from West African slaves. Voluntary immigrants of African descent (even those descended from West Indian slaves) are just that, voluntary immigrants of African descent with markedly different outlooks on the role of race in their lives and in politics. At a minimum, it can't be assumed that a Nigerian cabdriver and a third-generation Harlemite have more in common than the fact a cop won't bother to make the distinction. They're both "black" as a matter of skin color and DNA, but only the Harlemite, for better or worse, is politically and culturally black, as we use the term.

Wow. And you thought Scott McClellan was the king of spin (truth be told, he was *so* 2006).

Though I am wholly unqualified to debate the attribution of "blackness" in 21^st Century America, I can't get behind the argument…even as I find it intoxicatingly original.

Barack Obama is not black? What's next – Hillary Clinton is not a woman (I knew her hands were too big! Someone check under the skirt).

Maybe John McCain isn't really a war hero (in reality, he spent four years at Cambodia's Club Med).

Perhaps George W. Bush isn't really a douchebag (uh…well…uh…no, I can't come up with a plausible defense. He really is a douche).

Where was this guy two years ago?

Remember when John Kerry was "Swift Boated" into passivity during the 2004 election? Well, apparently he has learned how to fight GOP smear campaign tactics 101…and only two years too late.

I'm sure you've heard by now about the flack Kerry received over a "botched joke" he made Monday while campaigning with California gubernatorial candidate Phil Angelides. Kerry said, "You know, education -- if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq." After some early questions about and criticisms of this quote, Kerry clarified that he was referring to President Bush as the one who didn't do his homework and is now stuck in Iraq.

Of course, the Interloper happily seized on the opportunity to go on the offensive (apparently, some folks have been tough on him recently), dispensing Tony Snow to spew some badly-drawn conclusions:

Senator Kerry not only owes an apology to those who are serving, but also to the families of those who have given their lives in this. This is an absolute insult, and I'm a little astonished that he didn't figure it out already… Meanwhile, it's probably reasonable to ask some of the Democrats -- ask Jim Webb or Tammy Duckworth, both of whom are citing their military record, "Okay. What do you think about? What do you think about this quote? Do you agree with him? He was your presidential nominee."

How's that again, douchebag? No matter the ridiculous notions that GOP vultures attempted to seize upon, Kerry himself has stepped up to quash such talk and launch a counter-attack. He released a statement yesterday that addressed the debate, calling it "the classic GOP playbook" from "a stuffed suit White House mouthpiece", "doughy rush Limbaugh" and "Republican hacks who have never worn the uniform of our country [that] lie and distort so blatantly about those who have".

Wow, pretty tough words from a man who "looks French". And you know what else? Kerry was just getting warmed up. At a press conference, the Senator hit back even harder:

This president and his administration didn't do their homework. They didn't study what would happen in Iraq. They didn't study and listen to the people who were the experts and would have told them. And they know that's what I was talking about yesterday.

I think Americans are sick and tired of this game. These Republicans are afraid to stand up and debate a real veteran on this topic. And…they want to debate strawmen because they're afraid to debate real men. Well, we're going to have a real debate in this country about this policy. The bottom line is: These Republicans want to distort this policy. And, this time, it won't work because we are going to stay in their face with the truth. No Democrat is going to be bullied by these people, by these kinds of attacks that have no place in American politics. It's time to set our policy correct. They have a stand-still-and-lose policy in Iraq, and they have a cut-and-run policy in Afghanistan. And the fact is, our troops, who have served heroically, who deserve better, deserve leadership that is up to their sacrifice -- period.

Can you imagine where we would be today if Kerry has used this tactic – standing up to, not cowering before, deliberately misleading GOP smear campaigns? Oh, I'm sure we'd still be in Iraq. We will be there during the 2008 election, and likely for some years after that as well – no matter which party controls Congress or the White House.

No, if Kerry – and other Democrats – had stood up for the truth, rather than issue quick apologies so as not to offend any possible vote, perhaps he would not be president today, but surely he'd have made it a tighter race. And if Kerry and the Dems employ this strategy from now on, well, maybe this is the first cause for real optimism that a tougher Democratic Party can draw support from the middle of the country without sacrificing their ideals or placating every dissenting voice.

Then again, Democratic candidates around the country are taking Kerry appearances off their campaign schedules, and some are even joining the White House in calling for his apology. Oh well. That was a nice few minutes of solidarity and basking in warmth of the moral high ground.

Blast from the Past

Every once in a while, a great voice will silence itself rather than yield to sheer popular momentum. In the case of PatRoW, I've had a busy two weeks. And the Mets crushed my hopes and dreams…or at least my plans for a weekend in Detroit.

So what did I miss?

Hey – there's an election thing going on and (fingers crossed) the Democrats haven't totally fucked things up…yet. With seemingly infinite proof that Iraq was a mistake and leadership has no plan, even military veterans and their families are on the cusp on deserting the GOP. Well at least Republicans still have the fierce loyalty of their bestest buddies, the Christian Right, right? Uh… not so much. The loss of those two groups will probably hurt more than the loss of support from high school bullies, who no doubt will be turned off by Rick Santorum coming out of the closet as a Star Trek Lord of the Rings geek.

It's not all good for the Dems. Likely presidential candidate (and perhaps only "I'm not Hillary" candidate with a chance) Mark Warner dropped out of the race to "spend more time with family". Like you, I assumed that meant an impending sex scandal…but it seems as if the former Virginia governor may simply enjoy hanging out with his wife and kids. Some wonder if Warner's exit will open the door for a figurative and literal dark horse. And a popular pollster compares a possible Democratic election victory to the life of Forrest Gump (mama always said electoral politics was like a box of chocolates).

How about the issues? Well, ladies – you better get your abortions now…that is, if you live in South Dakota. The environment is proving to be a convenient wedge issue in gubernatorial races from New York and Florida to Oregon and California. The GOP keeps trucking out its tired "stay the course v. duck and run" routine, but hey, at least Rummy's mission was clearly outlined by God. Did I just call it stay the course? Republicans never, ever said "stay the course"… except when they did.

There was an article entitled " Bill O'Reilly: not a good obstetric-health authority ", which is funny on so many levels that I couldn't even bring myself to read past the headline. But it does illustrate one more way Bill O'Reilly and I are exact opposites.

I'm back, baby! People of Norway – your hero has come home.

The Decider Strikes Back

El presidente was in fine form this morning, cracking wise during his announcement of Tony Snow as press secretary – a briefing dubbed by the Washington Post as the "President Bush and Tony Show". Boy, it sure is good to know that these douchebags can laugh at something other than getting drunk and shooting lawyers in the face.

Anyhoot, since picking apart the man's speeches has always been a blast, I thought I'd do so again today. Strap in, kids:

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning.

Is it? Did Cheney die in his sleep? Oh that's right – he doesn't sleep…or eat…or breathe. He does take massive shits though, laying steaming piles of turd all over our Constitution.

I'm here in the briefing room to break some news. I've asked Tony Snow to serve as my new press secretary.

Break some news? Hey, I've got a scoop for you – President Bush is a ninny (that's right – I said it).

Tony already knows most of you, and he's agreed to take the job anyway.

Stop it. My sides are literally splitting. Call a surgeon.

I am confident he will help you do your job. My job is to make decisions, and his job is to help explain those decisions to the press corps and the American people.

This shit again? Dude, we get it. You can make a decision…not necessarily a *good* decision, but what does that matter?

He understands like I understand that the press is vital to our democracy.

Unless the press criticizes the president, the administration's policies or our penchant for committing criminal acts. Then they're all commies.

He's going to work hard to provide you with timely information about my philosophy, my priorities, and the actions we're taking to implement our agenda.

Who cares about accurate information as long as it's timely, right?

He's taught children in Kenya. He belongs to a rock band called Beats Working.

He's a Capricorn. He ties his shoelaces in double-knots. He flosses twice a day.

He succeeds a decent and talented man in Scott McClellan.

Why is everyone in the room laughing so hard? What's so funny? I didn't even get to the punchline yet. Laura, make them be nice to me!

Everything has Changed; Absolutely Nothing’s Changed

In a move that PatRoW (and hundreds of other sources) boldly predicted last week , the White House has named Tony Snow as its new press secretary. Yawn. Will the new secretary be as far up Dubya's ass as was his predecessor? Snow's defenders seem to think he won't…and then the douche goes and opens up his own mouth

William Kristol, who worked with Snow in the White House of George H.W. Bush and was a regular panelist on ""Fox News Sunday" when Snow anchored the show, invoked the Fox News slogan in saying: "It will be good to have a fair and balanced press secretary."

Sounds good (and frankly, I always get a kick when someone uses the words "fair and balanced" in the same breathe as Fox "News"). What does the secretary say?

[Snow] has described the press corps as a beast that must be constantly fed. In a December 2000 column in the Washington Times, he referred to "Democrats and journalists (but I repeat myself)."

Yeah – that sounds fair and balanced. I can see the New York Times headline now: Secretary Douchebag, Part Two.

OK, maybe not the Times…but I can use the headline, right?

Scotty's Legacy

Big ups to an anonymous PatRoW loyalist, fantasy baseball doormat and future Goodwill colleague (no jinx intended) for forwarding this story. It is quite reassuring to know that someone can succeed in the executive branch of American government because of – not in spite of – his inadequacies.

The entire piece is brilliant, but here are the basics:

McClellan's specialty was noncommunication; what's remarkable about him as a choice for press secretary is that he had no special talent for *explaining* Bush's policies to the world. In fact, he usually made things less clear by talking about them. Why use a bad explainer and a rotten communicator as your spokesman before the entire world?

… if the goal is to skate through unquestioned -- because the gaps in your explanations are so large to start with -- then to refuse to explain is a demonstration of raw presidential power. (As in "never apologize, never explain.") … Not to be persuasive, but to refute the assumption that there was anyone the White House needed or wanted to persuade… The very notion of persuasion conceded more to democratic politics than the Bush forces wanted to concede.

The same goes for spin. Anyone who talks about McClellan "spinning" the press has got the wrong idea. The premise of spin is that by artful restatement the facts can be made to look better for the president. But McClellan's speaking style is artless in the extreme. He's terrible at spin…spinning is improvisational. It requires you to think on your feet. McClellan was terrible at that too: wooden and unconvincing. He was not a phrase-maker, and he had no natural eloquence...Under pressure McClellan got more excruciatingly thick-headed and often belligerent, provoking belligerence back.

In what sense are these qualifications for the job of press secretary? Well, McClellan was there to make executive power more illegible, which is the way Bush, Dick Cheney (especially Cheney) and Karl Rove want it. Being inarticulate in public is basic to that goal.

Michael Wolff, in an effective profile of McClellan for Vanity Fair, noticed this. "Because Scott couldn't talk, he wouldn't be able to say anything for himself," Wolff writes. "His lack of verbal acumen, his lack of dexterity with a subordinate clause, becomes another part of the way to control the White House message in a White House obsessed with such control."

Let's see…no special talent, an artless speaking style, no natural eloquence, thick-headed and belligerent, AND a lack of verbal acumen? Holy shit, Karl Rove just got a hard-on thinking about his next puppet presidential candidate!

High Holy Day

Scotty's out. Hallelujah!

In honor of this momentous (and long overdue) day, let's remember all of the good things Scott McClellan did as White House press secretary.

…

…

…

Got all that? Good, because we're moving on to Tony Snow, the Fox News pundit and Bush shill who is rumored to be on the short list to replace McClellan as Douchebag Administration mouthpiece. Salon helps better acquaint us with the man:

In an appearance on Fox earlier this year, Snow claimed that Valerie Plame wasn't a covert CIA officer at the time the Bush administration blew her cover, adding, "even her husband says she wasn't covert for six years." Plame's husband, former ambassador Joseph Wilson, has never said any such thing.

In a posting to his blog, Snow said that the White House ought to send flowers and chocolates to the New York Times reporters who broke the warrantless-spying story. Snow said the reporters had "saved the Bush presidency" by revealing that the president was doing such a good job of keeping tabs on al-Qaida, and he suggested that the story would work to Bush's political and polling advantage. Engaging in exactly the sort of false-choice argument he had made repeatedly, Snow wrote: "If we try to fight the war on terror with eyes shut and ears packed with wax, innocent people will die."

In a column on Iraq in December, Snow said it would be easy to call "Jack Murtha, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid or any of the other wheezy prophets of the Defeatocrat Party as oddities were it not for the fact that their position on Iraq is deeply consonant with what the Modern Democratic Party has believed for 50 years." He then said that Democrats were stupidly -- and dangerously -- rejecting the president's "infinitely variable approach to the ever-shifting situation in Iraq" with a "weird faith in plans."

In a column following the vice president's shooting of Texas attorney Harry Whittington, Snow said reporters who pressed for answers were "fools" who had forgotten "the importance of behaving like human beings, rather than velociraptors." He added: "Most of us have tasted the milk of human kindness, and thus incline to support victims of unforeseen hardships or tragedies, and Dick Cheney clearly fell into that category. He was a man in distress."

To recap: Snow's a liar, an idiot, has no concept of reality and thinks that Dick Cheney deserves to "taste the milk of human kindness" after his failed murder attempt of Harry Whittington. I also like it how he compares the media – the very people with whom he would have to develop a close working relationship as press secretary – to vicious, carnivorous dinosaurs.

Lovely. Is it possible that I'll be pining for Scotty in a few weeks?

Douche Bigalow

I found this link on another blog, which really just linked to the article on Salon. However, since I hate Scott McClellan more than I have ever hated someone whom I have not met, I feel compelled to be a bit derivative today:

Scott McClellan: Plenty of criticism, no answers

Pardon my French, but this man is a jerk.

Too risqué for you? He's also a heaping pile of cunt.

Scotty's Gotta Go!

Calling out around the world - are you ready for a brand new beat? Summer's here and the time is right for dancing in the street!

OK, so it's not quite summer yet (although it might push 70 today in Chicago), but a public display of jubilation might not be entirely uncalled for. Rumor has it that White House press secretary and all-around douchebag Scott McClellan will soon be out of a job!

Now I can't claim sole credit for this momentous turn of events, although I have rallied against McClellan again and again and again. CNN was the first to break the story last week:

In his new role as chief of staff, [Josh] Bolten is focusing on improving White House communications and legislative affairs to regenerate the administration's message and performance, said sources familiar with his thinking.

"There are two positions he is anxious to turn – Scott [McClellan]'s position and legislative affairs," said a source with close ties to the White House.

Numerous Republican officials said the discussion is focused on McClellan.

"There is a lot of dissatisfaction with the state of communications, the daily communication from the podium, the congressional communications and strategic communications from both in and outside the White House," said one White House insider.

While Secretary Douchebag has a relationship with President Bush that dates back to the Texas legislature and has "no real intention of leaving", it is no stretch to see his positioning as the administration's scapegoat for its ridiculously poor communication skills and disregard for the public's right to access to information. Thought I appreciate the figurative gesture, is it too much to ask him to literally fall on a sword as well?

It's just an invitation across the nation - a chance for folks to meet. There'll be laughing, singing, music swinging and dancing in the street!

Smoldering Bazooka

Throughout his time in office, George Bush has been able to continually sidestep political landmines without losing the zealous support of his conservative base. Today, it appears that the lies have caught up and that even his most ardent followers should have a hard time denying the cracks in the president's levee of legitimacy.

It seems that the president was less than honest (gasp!) when he proclaimed that no person or agency alerted him to the severity of Hurricane Katrina and its potential wrath on New Orleans. In fact, we now know that Michael "Heckofa Job" Brown may not be the incompetent dolt that the administration painted him to be. Video has surfaced of the oft-vilified former FEMA chief speaking in a briefing WITH THE PRESIDENT the day before Katrina made landfall. Some fun quotes:

· On the severity of the storm: "My gut tells me ... this is a bad one and a big one."
· On the government's preparedness: "I'm concerned about ... the ability to respond to a catastrophe within a catastrophe."
· On the proposed emergency evacuation center: "The Superdome is about 12 feet below sea level.... I don't know whether the roof is designed to withstand a Category Five hurricane."
· On the city's resources in case of worst-case scenarios: "Not to be…kind of gross here, but I'm concerned [about the medical and mortuary resources] and their ability to respond to a catastrophe within a catastrophe."

Wow, maybe Brownie actually was doing a good job. Who knew that his Arabian horse experience had prepared him so well?

Not surprisingly, the Bush administration is trying to downplay the VIDEO EVIDENCE that proves they are all lying sacks of jism:

· Homeland Security spokesman Russ Knocke: "There's nothing new or insightful on these tapes."

· Bush spokesman Trent Duffy: "I hope people don't draw conclusions from the president getting a single briefing."
· White House press secretary Scott McClellan: "I had a hurricane in New Orleans once. Oh man, I was on Bourbon Street and I was all fucked up and this chick was flashing her tits and it was AWESOME! Why does everyone look so worried?"

I know the man is very appealing to the millions of Americans whose faith is the single most important thing in their lives – and I truly respect faith, even when I don't share it – but who can continue to support this revolting president and his travashamockery of an administration? Today's video is more than a smoking gun; it is definitive proof that our president is a liar, a douche bag and (dare I make the accusation?) a bad Christian.

Like rats on a sinking ship

Resisting the call of their pied piper, droves of congressional Republicans are fleeing the president’s position on wire tapping and calling for an open debate. It should be no surprise, however, that Dubya’s administration is making every possible effort to avoid progressive action or even the slightest admission of guilt.

…the White House opened the door to talks in the hope of avoiding a full-scale Congressional investigation. According to lawmakers involved in the discussions, a number of senior officials, including Harriet E. Miers, the White House counsel, and Andrew H. Card Jr., the chief of staff, began contacting members of the Senate to determine what it would take to derail the investigation.

That’s right, the president is trying “to derail” a congressional investigation. Who needs stinking congressional oversight anyway? And judicial oversight? That’s for pussies!

How could Bush justify such a blatant disregard for our constitutionally-ensured balance of powers? "Unfortunately, we're having this discussion," he said of the debate over wiretapping. "It's too bad, because guess who listens to the discussion: the enemy."

Apparently in the president’s Brave New World, you’re either with him absolutely, or a rag head sumbitch. There is no gray area or room for discussion in matters of national security, even if everything we value about American democracy lies in that middle ground.

Of course, “The White House has refused to [further] discuss those talks [with Congress]. Trent Duffy, a deputy press secretary, said the administration ‘does not want to negotiate in the media.’” To clarify: using the media to hammer out one’s own message is fine, but to actually respond to the press’s reports of dissenting ideas is against policy. Yeah, that seems about par for the course. You can’t really blame Duffy for this hypocrisy either – his boss is a professional douche bag.

And still, because aligning oneself with a historically unpopular president on an obviously illegal and unethical platform is not the best election year strategy, a growing number of conservative congressmen are breaking ranks.

The latest Republican to join the growing chorus of those seeking oversight is Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina.

"I do believe we can provide oversight in a meaningful way without compromising the program," he said, "and I am adamant that the courts have some role when it comes to warrants. If you're going to follow an American citizen around for an extended period of time believing they're collaborating with the enemy, at some point in time, you need to get some judicial review, because mistakes can be made."

Despite the obvious privacy and ethical issues, not every rat has found dry ground. Mike DeWine (aka Ohio Senatorial seat warmer) stepped right in line with the administration’s message.

Mr. DeWine is calling for legislation that would explicitly authorize the wiretapping and exempt it from the 1978 law that created the intelligence court to review classified applications for wiretapping inside the United States. The White House has embraced that concept, because it would take away the uncertainties of judicial review.

I don’t know how this guy can sleep at night. How could one possibly argue that a law expressly designed to ensure judicial oversight for domestic wiretapping does not apply to domestic wiretaps? Proposing legislation to overturn the 1978 law would be one thing, but advocating the stance that the law is not applicable to the exact situation for which it was originally written? That takes balls, Mr. DeWine. For the sake of our country’s future, I hope that as large as yours are, they are equally sterile.

Scotty Doesn't Know...Anything

It seems as if PatRoW has found its first official whipping boy, though I suppose I could have looked for a less obvious target. Often serving as the first and most visible face of the Bush Administration, Scott McClellan is put in a position where sounding smart is impossible. Of course, that doesn’t mean he has to be a dick.

Apparently, McClellan’s press conferences aren’t just filled with pathetic attempts at humor, but with his customary blend of arrogance and spite for the American public’s right to have honest access to its leaders:

On whether the press would receive a fuller account of Dick Cheney’s hunting accident: “I think we pretty much covered it all yesterday.”

(Since he brought it up, let’s talk about yesterday’s travashamockery of a press conference. Somehow, the weasel attempted to justify the fact that the White House didn't alert the press corps to the "Red Hot Cheney Pepper" incident; instead, witness to the crime and ranch owner Katherine Armstrong called her local paper in Corpus Christi, TX and passed along the gossip to a health and fitness reporter…I shit you not! Shame on you if you can’t be bothered to read the entire transcript, but here’s a great (and considerably shorter) overview than anything I could have written).

Back to today:

On whether Cheney would be offering any statement himself, even one of regret for the shooting: “You've heard from the vice president's office.”

On the true organizational power structure of the Bush administration:

The New York Times's Elisabeth Bumiller tried to sort out the shooting timeline. Why didn't the vice president call the president?" she pressed. "I don't get it."

"Karl [Rove] spoke with the vice president," [answered McClellan].

"He's not the president."

“Well not officially, no. But c’mon, guys, we all know the score.”

OK, so I made that last part up. But just how telling is it that McClellan “seemed grateful when Helen Thomas hectored him about Hamas, or when another [reporter] wondered if Bush still has confidence in embattled Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff”? If the administration’s domestic and international incompetencies are a welcome relief for its spokesman, doesn’t that say something about the man and his bosses?

Gather 'round, America and meet Scott McClellan: Professional Douchebag.

Those zany Republicans sure are funny!

It’s the story a certain Texas lawyer can’t remember, and one that millions of decent folk don’t want to forget. Don’t think for a minute that I’m prepared to let the Dick Cheney attempted murder story go gently into that good night.

Today it seems as if the White House is trying to “follow the lead of late-night television comedians” and use humor to defuse the gravity of Cheney’s criminal negligence.

President Bush's spokesman quipped Tuesday that the burnt orange school colors of the University of Texas championship football team that was visiting the White House shouldn't be confused for hunter's safety wear.

"The orange that they're wearing is not because they're concerned that the vice president may be there," joked White House press secretary Scott McClellan, following the lead of late-night television comedians. "That's why I'm wearing it."

LOL…Good one, Scotty. You know, for a professional spokesman, you sure say some stupid things.

Not to be outdone by his beltway brethren, a certain Floridian (and all-round swell guy) couldn’t resist taking a shot at the Veep (get it? Taking a “shot”? Oh man, I should be writing headlines for any of the scores of unoriginal newspapers and websites that covered this story with pathetic puns):

The president's brother, Governor Jeb Bush, took a similar jab after slapping an orange sticker on his chest from the Florida Farm Bureau that read, "No Farmers, No Food."

"I'm a little concerned that Dick Cheney is going to walk in," the governor cracked during an appearance in Tampa Monday.

Wow, I am quite literally rolling on the floor laughing. Now I know what they created that acronym.

Since when is it funny that someone got shot (unless, of course, you are pointing out the humor and irony in who took the shot)? Actually, I’m glad that Cheney’s cronies are yukking this one up; at long last GOP scumbags can finally tell a joke that doesn’t employ the punch line “put Velcro on the ceiling”.

Liar, Whore, Liar, Whore and You Know It!

Ah, good old Dwight Hansen – probably Robert De Niro’s best performance that no one ever saw.

Anyway, I had bookmarked this story a few weeks ago – though it may be hopelessly out-of-date, it did cause me to guffaw…and hell, a good guffaw (or chortle, even) is worth revisiting.

Remember the “truce” offered by Osama in his last tape? Well, no one really believed that the Bush Administration would (or should) jump to accept the terms, but are we really expected to believe the rationale?

"Clearly the al Qaeda leaders and other terrorists are on the run, they're under a lot of pressure. We do not negotiate with terrorists, we put them out of business," White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters.

Right, we put them out of business. Except for those terrorists who signed up for duty because of our illegal war in Iraq – I guess you could say we put those guys in business.

McClellan wasn’t done making ridiculous claims. Check this out:

"The terrorists started this war and the president made it clear that we will end it at a time and place of our choosing."

Huh? I don’t know what’s more disturbing: McClellan’s claim that we could end the war whenever we wanted to, or the idea that the war could be over yet we chose to continue sacrificing our young soldiers and international reputation.

After throwing up in my mouth, I realized the brilliance of Bush’s strategy. You see, he has decreed it unpatriotic to criticize the government during a war. As long as he drags out the war on terror – a war which he had “made it clear we could end…at a time and place of his choosing” – anyone who criticizes him is a traitor. Perfect!

It’s kind of like Bush studied “This Boy’s Life” and mirrored his philosophy after one he admired in the film: “You can get it doggy-style or you can get it lying on your side. Those are your only choices. This is my house and I get to say. Got it?”

Indeed, I got it. My ass is sore already.