Give me a “C”! Give me a “U”! Give me an “N”…

Though I toss around the "douchebag" tag more liberally than Natural Light at a high school party, I rarely brand women with such a distinction. Is it because I'm a sexist? No, it's because " cunt" is a much better description few women truly deserve the label.

Well, that changes today. Queue up the list and add Ann Coulter to the top!

In an e-mail interview with the editor of a conservative website, Coulter was asked to play word association with the names of several prominent political figures:

After harmlessly dismissing former Ambassador Joseph Wilson as the "World's most intensely private exhibitionist," she said of Rep. John Murtha, the hawkish ex-Marine and now antiwar congressman: "The reason soldiers invented 'fragging.'"


Fragging, which became a well-known expression -- and occasional occurrence -- during the Vietnam War, means soldiers attempting to kill their own officers for one reason or another.

I suppose this would have caused more outrage if it were the first time Coulter suggested murdering a public official, but alas, it was not. The woman is such a douche that even conservatives are trying to distance themselves from the popular-by-playing-to-humanity's-worst-common-denominator pundit. Said RedState.org's Mike Krempasky, "I've said before that's its kind of ironic that just about every phrase Stewie from Family Guy uses to describe Lois could easily be applied to Ann Coulter. Well -- once again, Ann proves us right."

I don't like many conservative blah blahs, but this Mike Krempasky is good people. My only complaint is that comparing Coulter to Stewie makes me like her a little bit more. Oh well, if the shoe fits…

And how did the Cunt Queen respond to the latest fall out over her stupidity? "Coulter's latest column on Friday declared, among other things, "that two facts are now universally accepted -- liberals are godless and Hillary's husband is a rapist."

And by "universally accepted", of course, she means inside Klan meetings and Karl Rove's swollen noggin.

Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Did you hear the Supreme Court knock knock joke of the week?

Knock knock.

Who's th- gbivgs lviushv ;uiosdv;fbv dh kskblujvbseiuvhew;ofihnewrikhbe. Ouch – stop kicking me in the spleen!

Oh man, that gets me every time!

For those of us who hoped against hope that new Supreme Court Justices would not send our country into a Orwellian tailspin, yesterday destroyed our last bit of optimism. In a 5-4 ruling that aligned on strict partisan agendas, the Court ruled that police backed by a search warrant can enter a home without knocking.

Now I like the police. My uncle was a NYPD sergeant. I even have a friend who is a Chicago cop and he tells the best – albeit racist and offensive – stories. These guys risk their lives every day and get too little respect from the people they serve and their politician bosses. That said, can't we make their jobs easier without destroying the constitution?

Now here's the thing – the case in question involved a hardened criminal who was, in fact, guilty of the charges named in the warrant. I can see why the gray areas are difficult to see for "ends justify the means" people. That's why we're SUPPOSED to have enlightened thinkers on the bench…like this guy:

Justice Stephen G. Breyer wrote a heated dissent… that was much longer than the majority ruling.

By declining to declare the evidence inadmissible, "the court destroys the strongest legal incentive to comply with the Constitution's knock-and-announce requirement," Justice Breyer wrote. He called the majority's finding "doubly troubling."

"It represents a significant departure from the court's precedents," he wrote. "And it weakens, perhaps destroys, much of the practical value of the Constitution's knock-and-announce protection."

The minority rejected any suggestion that violations like that in Detroit are isolated. "The cases reporting knock-and-announce violations are legion," Justice Breyer wrote. And contrary to the majority's assertion, there is no known case in which a plaintiff has collected "more than nominal damages" for such a violation, he wrote.

"Of course, had the police entered the house lawfully, they would have found the gun and drugs," Justice Breyer wrote. "But that fact is beside the point. The question is not what police might have done had they not behaved unlawfully. The question is what they did do."

"Would a warrant that authorizes entry into a home on Tuesday permit the police to enter on Monday?" Justice Breyer asked rhetorically. "Would a warrant that authorizes entry during the day authorize the police to enter during the middle of the night?"

Let's forget Justice Breyer's rhetorical questions and jump back to his penultimate paragraph. Instead of arguing that the police *would* have discovered Booker Hudson's gun and drugs if they had legally executed the warrant – as Justice Asscunt Scalia essentially did – why do the officers get a free pass? Yes, the ruling may have retrospectively cleared them of wrong-doing, but they were trained to know their actions were illegal at the time.

What's next? Our country invading a sovereign nation under one pretense and then revising justification after its lies were exposed? Now who would believe that?

I wear my sunglasses at night…

…so I can, so I can stick my foot in my mouth.

OK, that's probably not the lyric that Corey Hart had in mind, and it's more of a funny story than true critique of the president, but still…the man wears idiocy amazingly well, don't you think?

Most people have probably already heard about President Bush's calling out of a shades-wearing reporter at a recent press conference. No? Well, here's the transcript:

Bush: Yes, Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?

Los Angeles Times' Peter Wallsten: I can take them off.

Bush: I'm interested in the shade look, seriously.

Wallsten: All right, I'll keep it, then.

Bush: For the viewers, there's no sun.

Wallsten: I guess it depends on your perspective.

Bush: Touché.

The (ahem) joke here is that Wallsten is legally blind due to a genetic defect – the degenerative effect of which can be slowed by avoiding bright lights. To his credit, Bush called Wallsten immediately after discovering his faux pas and the reporter chose not to make a big deal out of one of the president's less deadly and more understandable blunders.

Hey – we've all said some pretty dumb things (some of us on Pennsylvania Avenue more so than others), but if you thought I was going to let this story pas by without comment, well, you don't know me or my sense of humor all that well.

Frankly, I think Dubya is just a big fan of 80s new wave band Timbuk3. Remember their hit that achieved heavy rotation due to its appearance on the great watchable Robin Givens vehicle "Head of the Class"? Bush sings it every day: "I study nuc-u-lar science, I love my classes. I got a crazy teacher who wears dark glasses. Things are going great…and they're only getting better. I'm doing alright, getting good grades, the future's so bright – I got to make fun of disabled reporters for wearing shades."

Seriously, you think that one is on the president's iPod?

The 50/50 Corollary

Because my writing style is not so much derivative as it is plagiaristic (tomato/to-mah-to), I tend to subconsciously replicate whatever is currently on my reading list. With that in mind, I bring you the first installment of "What I'm Reading" – a mostly masturbatorial exercise in giving credit where credit is due.

I am about two-thirds through Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs by Spin writer, Esquire columnist and sometimes ESPN.com contributor Chuck Klosterman. What's the book about, you ask? Try this one on for size:

Life is chock-full of lies, but the biggest lie is math. That's particularly clear in the discipline of probability, a field of study that's completely and wholly fake. When push comes to shove – when you truly get down to the core essence of existence – there is only one mathematical possibility: Everything is 50-50. Either something will happen, or something will not.

When you flip a coin, what are the odds of it coming up heads? 50-50. Either it will be heads, or it will not. When you roll a six-sided die, what are the odds that you'll roll a three? 50-50. You'll either get a three, or you won't. That's reality. Don't fall into the childish 'it's one-in-six' logic trap. That is precisely what all your adolescent authority figures want you to believe. That's how they enslave you. That's how they stole your conviction, and that's why you will never be happy. Either you will roll a three, or you will not; there are no alternatives. The future has no memory. Certain things can be impossible, and certain things can be guaranteed--but there is no sliding scale for maybe. Maybe something will happen, or maybe it won't. That's all there is. What are the chances that your sister will die from ovarian cancer next summer? 50-50 (either she'll die from ovarian cancer or she won't). What are the chances that your sister will become America's most respected underwater wielding specialist? 50-50. It will happen, or it won't. There are two possibilities, and both are plausible and unknown. The odds are 2:1. These facts are irrefutable.

Quasi-intellectuals like to claim that math is spiritual. They are lying. Math is not religion. Math is the antireligion, because it splinters the gravity of life's only imperative equation: Either something is true, or it isn't. Do or do not; there is no try.

Or if that was a bit too existential for you, there's always this bit of wisdom disguised in a generational metaphor: "Quite simply, Winona Ryder is Luke Skywalker, only with a better haircut and a killer rack."

And that, folks, is what I'm reading. Happy now?

Reading between the Lines

So I took another week plus off. Sue me. Can't a man go to Vegas, win lots of money, spend foolishly and debaucherously, lose lots of money, get limbs broken by burley goons and return home a shell of his former self? In my America he can!

Anyway, what better way to get back into the groove than by returning to an old PatRoW favorite – poking fun at a speech given by President Bush ! This was one he made yesterday, alongside Iraqi puppet Prime Minister Maliki (no, not that one – this guy apparently never pitched for the Mets):

PRESIDENT BUSH: Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for this opportunity to visit with your cabinet. I have expressed our country's desire to work with you, but I appreciate you recognizing the fact that the future of this country is in your hands.

In other words, I'm taking credit for any success, but it's your fault if shit gets blown up.

The decisions you and your cabinet make will be determinate as to whether or not a country succeeds that can govern itself, sustain itself, and defend itself.

As long as those decisions don't interefere with me and my cabinet. In that case, you can govern, sustain and defend your ass...but it won't much matter.

I'm impressed by the strength of your character and your desire to succeed. And I'm impressed by your strategy.

And I'm impressed by people who know their multiplication tables. Ain't it crazy about the number nine? Whenever you times it out, the numbers always add up to nine. I've got some geeks over at NASA trying to find an exception, but so far, nothing. I'm also impressed by fish – how do they hold their breath so long?

We discussed the security strategy. We discussed an economic strategy, a reconstruction strategy. And all of it makes sense to me.

The security strategy? Don't die. The economic strategy? Make more money. The reconstruction strategy? Build more buildings. If only an exit strategy was as simple…

And so I've come to not only look you in the eye…

Don't look him in the eye! Oh that's right…this isn't Cheney. I thought for a second we would have to call the prime minister Iraqi Pillar of Salt Maliki.

…I've also come to tell you that when America gives its word, it will keep its word.

Kinda like how a genie in a magic lamp keeps his word. You know, when you say "I want a big penis", he turns you into a horse or an over-the-hill drummer with Hepatitis C.

It's in our interests that Iraq succeed.

And when I say "our interests", of course I mean me and my buddies. And when I say "succeed", of course I mean line our pockets and pillage Iraq's natural resources. And when I say "hey" you say "ho".

It's not only in the interests of the Iraqi people, it's in the interests of the American people and for people who love freedom.

"People who love freedom"? This is Bush's version of calling someone "fun loving". Shit everyone loves freedom and everyone loves fun. Hitler thought genocide was fun – he was one crazy, fun-loving guy! Well guess what? Osama bin Laden loves freedom too – why else is he hiding from our forces in the Pakistani mountains? If he wasn't such a freedom lover, wouldn't he have already turned himself in?

Iraq is a part of the war on terror.

Some would say Iraq IS the war on terror. Or, you know, at least a distraction from the real war on terror.

And so, Mr. Prime minister, I want to thank you for giving me and my Cabinet a chance to hear from you personally and a chance to meet the members of this team you've assembled. It's an impressive group of men and women, and if given the right help, I'm convinced you will succeed.

They all know that they're just figureheads, right? Don't y'all go thinking about making any real plans now, ya hear? Remember, I'm the decider – except when Laura tells me I can't go outside in my Scooby Doo pajamas. She's good with decisions like that.

Happy Birthday, you malicious killer!

In honor of AIDS's silver anniversary of death and scaring girls in my high school into forced celibacy, the Boston Globe has unveiled its Top 10 Steps Africans can take to curb the AIDS Epidemic .

I hate to be Oscar Obvious here, but shouldn't #1 be to stop having unprotected sex? Despite the obvious slight, I've reprinted the list below, and though AIDS is no laughing matter, I've given it my best shot. It was, after all, the unfunniest Top 10 List since, well, last Thursday on Letterman.

1) Make HIV testing part of regular health checkups – you know, because the free clinics are inundated with supplies and the required funds to run a safe and accurate test on the tens of thousands of refugees they see each month

2) Test Couples Together – the Globe actually suggests AIDS testing as a first date activity. And they say romance is dead…

3) Promote male circumcision – besides, chicks don't dig Peelers

4) Focus the public health message – the "solution" sounds a lot like what is currently being done…make condoms readily available, teach abstinence and monogamy. And how exactly is this any more of a "focused message"?

5) Make Africa a sports mecca – an actual quote: "Young people have time on their hands. They need something besides sex that is free and fun."

6) Enforce drinking laws –

During weekend nights in Livingstone, one bar stays open until 3 a.m. and another until 5 a.m. Bartenders serve beer to children as young as 10. And yet the law calls for shutting down bars at 11 p.m. and no sale of alcohol to minors. ``Young boys who never used to drink or smoke are out playing eight-ball pool and drinking and smoking," said Chris Lubasi, 24, who runs youth programs in Livingstone. Drinking to excess clouds judgment, increasing the risk of unprotected sex.

Are there a lot of 10-year-olds getting drunk, fucking random women and contracting the AIDS, or are we losing focus?

7) Protect the babies – Won't somebody think of the children?

8) Encourage men to communicate – next thing you know, they're going to try to tell us that if we stop and ask for directions we won't get AIDS. I say NEVER!

9) Build networks of hospice workers – uh, that actually makes a lot of sense. Paying these people, however, would take money directly out of coffers reserved for medicine.

10) Support local journalists covering the problem – so American journalists (and bloggers) don't have to waste any more time pretending to understand the problem and offer ridiculous solutions.

On Deck?

As the calendar brings us to June 2006, you surely know what political event is right around the corner? No, not mid-term congressional elections…I'm talking about the 2008 presidential campaign!

Senator Russ Feingold and Governor Mark Warner, two high-profile Democrats (and likely presidential candidates), were in New Hampshire over the weekend, speaking to and getting the rockstar treatment from the state's party convention (rockstar treatment meaning standing ovations and photo-ops, not lines of coke off of whore asses…though I wouldn't put it past that rascal Feingold). Notably absent was Hillary Clinton, who, though an extraordinarily competent politician, would do he party the most good by not challenging for the nomination.

Why are Feingold and Warner generating such early buzz? Salon suggests it is because they represent "the purist and pragmatic wings of the party".

Feingold has made other Democrats look timorous by championing withdrawal from Iraq and a Senate resolution censuring the president. Warner has emerged as the party's latest Southern white knight, the red-state dragon slayer who combines a sterling record as governor with an appealing business background as a mega-rich cellphone entrepreneur who helped found Nextel.

Sounds good, right? Perhaps if we get these two in front of the nation early, we can avoid a drawn out primary season filled with Democratic in-fighting. The problem is that Feingold may have a bit too much Dean in him to be a viable threat to carry battleground states in the Midwest, and Warner may not be different enough to truly bring the party back to its core values.

The Iraq war serves as a prime illustration of this yin-yang debate. Feingold in his speech was characteristically direct: "Why are so many Democrats too timid to say what everyone in America knows? It's time to redeploy the troops. It's time to bring the troops out of Iraq. I say bring them home by the end of the year."

"The new Iraqi government," Warner said, "has to …step up and disband the militias and try to bring about some level of stability. …The only way it can happen is if we involve the balance of the Iraqi neighbors. Bring them all to the table. Form some level of a Regional Contact Group, so this is no longer simply an American problem."

The Dean/Lieberman comparisons aside, the differences between the two candidates are more than, as Salon points out, a study in "dueling bumper stickers reading: 'Bring Our Troops Home for Xmas' and 'Form a Regional Contact Group – Now!'"

No, looking at Feingold and Warner today is really looking at the future of the Democratic Party. While Warner stands a much better chance of picking up support in swing states, Feingold is a more vocal bearer of liberal values. Is it worth sacrificing another presidential election to ensure that the party's core beliefs are represented in our candidate? I don't know, and I don't know if either guy can beat John McCain…but I guess we have 28 more months to figure things out.

'Brave' New World

The current edition of Newsweek features a piece by Allan Sloan that details the loopholes and tax incentives attached to the impending sale of the Atlanta Braves (truth be told, I only read the article because it had something to do with baseball. Business writers usually give me boredom seizures).

Anyway, it seems that the sale will be a financial boon for both the seller (Time Warner) and buyer (Liberty Mutual). If you're curious as to how two multi billion dollar companies could both come out ahead in the same deal, well, you haven't been paying attention to the man in the White House's agenda.

How does [President Bush's] Tax Increase Prevention and Reconciliation Act of 2005 involve the Braves? Here's the play-by-play. Time Warner would put the team (valued at about $450 million) and about $1.35 billion of cash into a subsidiary. It would then trade that subsidiary for a Liberty unit that would be holding about $1.8 billion of the Time Warner stock that Liberty already owns. By the time the fat lady sings, Liberty would own the Braves and a slug of cash, and Time Warner would have gotten about 100 million of Liberty's 171 million Time Warner shares.

That sure looks like a sale—but not to tax lawyers, because the tax-cut legislation specifically blesses cash-rich split-offs.

Confused? That's the point – keep us non-financial wizards in the dark while the rich line one another's pockets. I needed to read the next paragraph to fully grasp the sheer ass-rape we're facing:

How much money are we talking about here? A lot. Were Time Warner to sell the Braves outright for $450 million, it would owe about $175 million of federal and state income taxes, by my estimate. (Turner Broadcasting, acquired by Time Warner in 1996, paid just $10 million for the Braves in 1976.) Thus, swapping the team for $450 million of its own stock is a lot better for Time Warner than merely selling it. The deal also offers Liberty a great way to cash in most of its Time Warner stake, much of which dates back to 1987. Were Liberty to make a conventional sale of $1.8 billion of its Time Warner stock, it would owe more than $500 million of tax, by my estimate. Possibly much more.

Does that make any more sense? It is certainly hard to believe, but I think you should be now able to wrap your head around a $700 million savings for two business behemoths. The worst part of this bullshit loophole is that there is absolutely no justification for it other than to save millions of dollars for billionaires. Though he claims that his tax cuts help the middle- and working classes, Bush's plan does nothing for 99% of his constituency.

Actually, that's not quite true. It screws us over…at least those of us who care about education, health care, the environment and/or world peace. You know, the folks he couldn't care less about.

Separated at Death

In a story ripped from daytime soap operas , it seems that a Michigan coroner's misstep caused a one family to erroneously grieve the loss of their daughter and another to mistakenly celebrate that theirs had survived a horrible accident:

Authorities in Indiana were trying to unravel the heartbreaking mix-up on Wednesday, five weeks after five people — including four students from Taylor University, a small evangelical Christian college in Upland, Ind. — were killed in a crash on Interstate Highway 69, near Marion.

Confusion apparently began in the hectic moments after the deadly April 26 crash involving a semi-tractor trailer loaded with baking flour and the Taylor University van, returning from nearby Ft. Wayne. Grant County (Indiana) Coroner Ron Mowery, whose office handled the death investigations, apologized during a news conference Wednesday for the mix-up.

He described an accident scene where purses and wallets were strewn about and that acquaintances of the students had identified the survivor taken to a Ft. Wayne hospital as [Laura] VanRyn. He said no scientific testing was conducted to verify the identifications.

Call me an optimist, but I can take some modicum of happiness from three aspects of this bizarre story, none of which have anything to do with Whitney Cerak's second chance at life:

1. that the mistaken identity story was first revealed on a *blog* run by the real dead girl's family…I mean, what was the subject heading of that post - "Remember how lucky we were that Laura was alive? Uh, not so much"?
2. that the more attractive girl lived (see photos in the linked story…similar appearance my ass!). How's that for proof of a higher power? God loves hot chicks!
3. perhaps now people will finally recognize the dangers of baking flour and its associated means of transportation. We need to stop this white menace before it takes any more of our youngest and brightest!

Just another day in Bushtopia

Have you heard about the Bush administration's latest ploy to unilaterally assume dominance and destroy that "meddlesome" separation of powers? Though such actions are in defiance of every conceivably applicable law, the FBI raided the Capitol Hill offices of a sitting Congressman. Oh yeah, neither he nor his attorney were present.

(And yes, I’m well aware that Bush publicly expressed outrage at his FBI Director and Attorney General, but you don’t need X-ray vision to see through that smoke screen, do you? In fact, White House sources close to PatRoW reveal that during his closed-door reprimand, Alberto Gonzalez justified his actions by saying “I learned it by watching you, OK?” Bush responded with “Oh Alberto – you’re a spicy meat-a-ball” and the two ass clowns busted up laughing. Apparently, you’re good people in the president’s book if you can incorporate lines from 80s commercials into everyday life – and you thought I hated everything about the man).

The 18-hour raid, part of a criminal bribery investigation, came on a Saturday afternoon while Congress was in recess (gee, you think they were hoping that no one would notice?). At this point, you'd think Dubya's Dummies would be a little better at avoiding a slip in their own shit:

The procedures used in the raid were "sloppy at best and reckless at worst," said John Conyers of Michigan , the ranking Democrat on the [House Judiciary] Committee. Mr. Conyers cited other instances where, he said, the Bush administration had appeared to unilaterally grab power, including the White House's position authorizing more aggressive interrogation of prisoners, and the program of domestic wiretapping without a warrant and data mining.

Perhaps my outrage is just another partisan ploy to bring down the president's efforts and propel Democrats towards recapturing Congress this November. I mean, surely it's only the pinko commie liberal in me that is so disgusted, right?

Guess again, O'Reilly.

"This is a constitutional issue and a matter of grave concern," said James Sensenbrenner, Republican of Wisconsin, who called the unusual session at a time when most of Congress is in recess.

Robert S. Walker, a former Republican congressman from Pennsylvania, urged the committee to use its power of subpoena to demand information on how the search was authorized. The panel should "demand a full accounting for the decision-making process that led to the Rayburn [ House Office Building] raid," he said. "The Judiciary Committee should be prepared to subpoena documents tied to this incident."

He said the search appeared to reduce Congress's standing as a co-equal branch of government and predicted sharp reaction if the roles were reversed. "One can only imagine what the concern would be if the Capitol Police were sent on a raid of an executive agency in pursuit of Congress's oversight function," he said.

Ooooh, this could be fun! Let's imagine what would be uncovered if the Capitol Police *did* raid an executive office or two…

· Dick Cheney's sarcophagus (with 26 pounds of Transylvanian tundra)

· Laura Bush's collection of love letters to Stephen Colbert

· Donald Rumsfeld's cache of underage Thai gay porn

· Scott McClellan's soul (concealed in a Tic-Tac box)

· Condi Rice's retainer

· Jenna Bush's secret stash

· Jenna Bush's overextended gash

· George Bush's...ah hell, let's just end it on a "Jenna Bush's gash" joke

Blast from the Past

Remember Jack Abramoff? You know, the guy at the center of the issue 12 Bush scandals ago? Well, one of Jacky's cronies is on trial now and, despite the White House's frequent and boisterous contentions that the lobbyist had little influence over anything important, actual court documents seem to prove otherwise.

David Safavian, former chief of staff at the General Services Administration (aka the government's landlord), is accused of lying about his relationship with Abramoff. And just wait until you hear his defense!

In her opening statement to the jury Wednesday, Barbara Van Gelder, Safavian's lawyer, insisted that her client was guilty of nothing more than being a good buddy. He did nothing unethical or criminal, she said. He just acted like a pal.

"They had a common interest in golf and racquetball."

You know, because "pals" are always willing to illegally slip in me and some buddies for a 5-day golf outing at Scotland's St. Andrews – only the oldest, and perhaps most famous, course in the world. And really, who doesn't help their racquetball chums secure a redevelopment deal to turn a historic landmark into a 5-star hotel?

Safavian contends everything was on the up-and-up, pointing to an e-mail he sent to the GSA ethics office prior to the golf junket. "In his request, Safavian described Abramoff as 'a lawyer and lobbyist, but one that has no business before GSA (he does all his work on Capitol Hill).'" Well, if that were true the government would have no case; however…

E-mails clearly show that at the same time Safavian was planning on joining the Scottish golf junket, the GSA official was helping to provide Abramoff with information about the best way to obtain the two parcels of federal land, which were controlled by the GSA. In addition to making several internal queries on Abramoff's behalf, Safavian obligingly set up a meeting between Abramoff's wife and GSA officials. Safavian even arranged another convenient golf outing -- that included the Abramoffs and Stephen Perry, who directed the GSA.

Not one to take advantage of his "pal's" generosity, Safavian was kind enough to reimburse Abramoff $3,100 for the trip, which also included a three night stay at a luxury hotel in London. Of course, "the Justice Department calculates that the trip cost Abramoff more than $16,000 per person".

But how can anyone ever really prove the true nature of Safavian and Abramoff's relationship (were they "just friends", "friends with benefits", "fuck buddies", etc.)? Oh yeah, let's just ask Jack!

Abramoff himself has denied that [Van Gelder's defense] was true… Just days before Safavian's discount junket to Scotland, a colleague of Abramoff asked why the GSA official had been invited. Abramoff's response was right to the point. ''Total business angle," the lobbyist wrote. "He is new COS [chief of staff] of GSA.''

Ah, with friends like these…right David?

Bad Boys, Bad Boys – Whatcha Gonna Do?

So Tony Blair was in Washington again this week, appearing at President Bush's side and taking shot after shot on his weak, British chin. It seems that as bad as things are domestically for Dubya, his pasty political ally may have it even worse; instead of the "normally silver-tongued prime minister" supporting his maligned presidency, Bush has been forced to defend Blair to a hostile an unflinching press:

That role reversal was as good a sign as any of how the two friends' political standing has eroded since they made the case together for war in Iraq. Last week even The Economist, a British magazine that has been more favorable to Mr. Blair than most, called his partnership with Mr. Bush the "Axis of Feeble."

That the two world leaders would support one another is no surprise – hey, Hitler had Mussolini, right? – but the biggest shocker was this observation by the BBC's John Pienaar:

There was a moment, as George Bush watched Tony Blair fielding questions on Iraq, when the president's eyes actually seemed to be shining with affection and respect.

Of course, it may have been a trick of the harsh television lights.

Don't you think these two would make a great buddy-cop duo? I mean, as long as you don't mind the heroes getting shot 46 times each in the head, chest and crotch.

So dark the con of Manischewitz

I've been bad. I know it. StatCounter tells me that I actually have a few readers checking PatRoW each day – their disappointment about my infrequent posts matched only by their disappointment of seeing yet another sub-par edition of Quick Hits.

With that said, let's move on to another sub-par edition of Quick Hits!

Driver Has 18 Times Legal Alcohol Limit – you simply have to respect a man, who after being tested at 7.27 grams per liter of alcohol in his blood, tells police that he "he had been drinking the night before and tried to freshen up by downing a pint of beer for breakfast." Hey Vidmantas – you're good people. Don't let that vicious MADD smear campaign tell you otherwise.

Jack Bauer Saves Day on Finale of '24' – wait, don't tell me what happened! I TiVo'd last night's episode and haven't seen the finale yet. Did Jack Bauer miraculously save Los Angeles/America/Planet Earth/the Universe from destruction? Did he expose corruption and/or false patriots in the government? Was there a shocking twist in which it was revealed that someone he trusted was really working against him?

(And yes, I will feel really stupid if the finale offered a truly original ending…but I've been waiting for one for four full seasons and 22 episodes, so I don't think I'll be shocked when I hit play on my DVR).

Experts: Hurricane Season Won't Match 2005 – really? You think so, doctor? Add another group of douchebags to my list, because I hate meteorologists/weather men/directors of the National Hurricane Center .

You mean to tell me that the most active and expense hurricane year on record won't be topped ONE YEAR LATER? I am truly shocked. Then again, I thought nature never experienced highs and low, peaks and valleys, ebbs and flows and all that other crap. I thought 154 years of history meant nothing…wow, I guess I was wrong.

Let me just point out that, even as these experts predict 2006 will not be as severe as 2005, they are also predicting a more active year than they did last May. " There will be up to 16 named storms, the center predicted, which would be significantly less than last year's record 28…Last year, officials predicted 12 to 15 tropical storms."

I'm not going to delve into the hack comedy bit about how a weatherman never has to be right, but isn't this a bit ridiculous? They now have live Doppler radar that can pinpoint the exact minute a thunderstorm cell is going to pass over a specific intersection, yet the 5-day forecast is as unreliable as a Canal Street Rolex? What gives?

And don't even get me started on that douchiest of douchebag weather forecasters, the Farmer's Almanac. Every year – every fucking year – they send someone on local TV and radio to "predict" upcoming weather. Of course, they point to their accuracy in the previous year's forecast – documentation of which is conveniently never provided. Then again, their forecast is usually something like "our secret weather predicting formula tells us that it will rain a lot this spring, July will be the hottest month of the year, leaves will magically change colors and fall off trees sometime in October, and Christmas will fall on or approximately December 25."

Now why did you have to get me started? I asked you not to.

This is what it sounds like when pigs fly

I stumbled onto an interesting article by MSNBC's Tom Curry, who asked " What would a Democratic majority do in 2007?" – a question that, despite its utter impossibility, shows what's wrong with the party that counts on my vote but offers me little in return.

Sure, I'd love to think about a return to core liberal issues and resolving the obvious problems cultivated in the GOP's reign of terror. But what are Democratic congressmen really creaming their shorts about? Investigations. Ooooh, that's sexy. That's a great idea – let's bog down the flow of government and add to the already almost universal distrust for all politicians – regardless of party affiliations.

"We will have subpoena power, and that's why the Republicans are so afraid that we will be able to show the public how they arrived at a (Medicare) prescription drug bill that is born of corruption," House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi told NBC's Tim Russert on Meet the Press Sunday. "Investigation is the requirement of Congress. It's about checks and balances."

Perhaps the most relentless new committee chairman, if the Democrats win the House, will be Rep. Henry Waxman of California, who is now the senior Democrat on the Government Reform Committee, the House's principal investigative committee.

In an interview Tuesday, Waxman said that if he takes the helm of the committee in 2007, "I would pursue a much more vigorous set of investigations (than Republicans have)…. I'd certainly consider a high priority to investigate abuse of prisoners, manipulation of intelligence that has gotten us into Iraq, I'd want to know about waste of taxpayers' money by private contractors, whether it's in reconstruction of Iraq, or work in the Louisiana-Mississippi Gulf region or for homeland security."

I understand the importance of *proving* that the Bush administration acted unethically and immorally on dozens of occasions, but the court of public opinion reached this conclusion months ago. Why waste political clout by proving that mistakes have been made, even while those same mistakes remain uncorrected?

Senator Harry Reid seems to get it, saying that his agenda, as prospective 2007 majority leader, would be addressing "the energy crisis, health care, allowing our children to go to school… these staggering (federal budget) deficits."

The clincher came when Reid was asked about Senate investigations of the Bush administration: "I'm not heavily into investigations. That should be way down at the bottom of our agenda."

Maybe it's silly to even consider the possibility that he (or any of his liberal peers) will serve as Senate Majority Leader next year, but Reid is correct. If the American public somehow comes to its senses and elects a Democratic majority, it won't be because we wanted GOP assholes to be investigated. It would be because we want our nation restored to some semblance of its former glory. It would be because we are committed to having the mistakes corrected of Bush's cronies, flunkies and douchebags. It would be because we refuse to allow our country's future to be further mortgaged for short-sighted and selfishly motivated gains.

Of course, if you believe any of it will happen, I've got a Halliburton contract I'd love to sell you.

Happy Mother's Day!

Although the Mets let us down, my old friend Justin and I enjoyed our weekend in Milwaukee. The highlight was likely on Friday night, when as part of the Brewers’ “Visiting Fan of the Game” promotion, we were showcased on the scoreboard and allowed to give a personal message.

Is it safe to say I’m the best son ever?

Happy Mother’s Day, folks.

DoG-gone Politics and Policies

Every once in a while, I will admit that someone else is – perish the thought – more capable than myself at delivering an important message. This is one of those times.

Friends, do yourself a favor and read this post in DoG (permanent link at the right). If you don't think it completely sums up everything wrong with American politics, you are a douchebag who deserves having me "do an R. Kelly on your baby daughter".

That's right – I'm talking to you, Star and Buc Wild .

Quick Hits – All about Jeb

President endorses Jeb, for anything – for some reason, I don't think anyone has placed an order yet on those "Jeb Bush for NAMBLA Treasurer" buttons, despite a White House recommendation.

Women can tell which men like kids – a leading reason why Jeb Bush will receive unprecedented support from females in his bid for NAMBLA Treasurer.

Governor Bush Declares State Of Emergency – apparently, Dateline is running new "Perverted Justice" stings from his home state of Florida…and Jeb is afraid that the negative attention could hurt his NAMBLA Treasurer candidacy.

God damn, is there anything in the world more fun than starting a ridiculous rumor about a Republican douchebag and then running that dumb joke into the ground? If there is, I haven't found it.

Best Study Ever

After a victorious crusade to end the reign of one vicious cunt-rag witch, PatRoW took a much-deserved vacation. Apologies to the tens of you in the deep stages of withdrawal; your suffering days are over.

What lifted me off my lazy ass and back onto my soapbox, you ask? Only the most important topic in our society: teen sex!

According to a study presented at the 2006 National STD Prevention Conference sponsored by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, an increasing number of teenagers are participating in oral and anal sex. Damn that's hot…but just how much of an increase are we talking about?

In examining the 1994 medical records of 2,598 12- to 25-year olds, and the 2004 medical records of 6,438 subjects of the same age, attending STD clinics in Baltimore, [Dr. Emily] Erbelding [from Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center] and colleagues found that over the 10-year period the prevalence of self-reported oral sex in the previous 90 days doubled among males (from 16 percent to 32 percent) and more than doubled among females (from 14 percent to 38 percent).

There was also an increase in rectal sex… Among young women, the prevalence of self-reported anal sex over the period rose from 3 percent to 5.5 percent.

Are you serious? One out of twenty high school girls is giving up the old Hershey Highway? How is that possible? When I was in high school, I practically had to pour a six pack of Zima down a girl's throat to get under her bra! I hate being one of those "back in my day" douchebags, but do today's high school guys know how good they have it? And what has gotten into the girls (besides a locker room full of cock)?

Words Fail Me

When it comes to the two-spot, plug it with a stud

You couldn't make this shit up.