It’s the most wonderful time of the year

You might not know this, but Jews don't get Christmas presents (I blame Joe Lieberman). That's why each year I'm anxious like a kid waiting on Santa for the debut of the new fall season…and that time is now.

Kicked off by the seemingly premature premiere of Prison Break last night (I Tivo'd it, natch), the 2006 season is pocked with the return of some highly anticipated series, the unfortunate cancellation of a some others, and the bizarre existence of too many shows that no one could possibly enjoy.

Salon takes a look at six shows in the latter category, including two shows for which I own a season pass: an action series of which I've seen every episode of its six seasons, yet haven't enjoyed one minute of in the last four years; a teen soap that allegedly jumped the shark in its third season, the first year I watched; two talk/news shows featuring an old guy an gal; a cop show that I originally thought was about who really deserves coffee; and finally, an adult-themed show that somehow makes basic cable lesbianism look unsexy.

That list is a fair start, but it's nowhere near enough. So without further adieu I bring you "PatRoW's First Annual List of Stupid Shows Stupid People Like":

• Law and Order: Criminal Intent – OK, I get it. Vincent D'Onofrio is super cop. He knows EVERYTHING! If that dude explains one more obscure 7 ^th century eastern European reference and uses it to solve a murder, I swear, I'm going to burn my collector's edition DVD of The Cell.
• CSI: Miami – I actually enjoy watching this show…but not for the drama and CERTAINLY not for the acting. CSI: Miami offers primetime's best drinking game. Every time Horatio Caine takes off his sunglasses, you drink; every time he puts on his sunglasses, you drink; every time his dramatic pause lasts more than two seconds, you drink; every sweeping camera shot of Miami's intercoastal waterway, you drink; every time one of the leads gets trapped in a paper bag and can't act his way out, you drink. I promise you'll be drunk by the second commercial break.
• Grey's Anatomy – I put this show here for two reasons: 1) I needed to prove that a show can earn my wrath without being a colon-titled spin-off; and 2) it sucks…hard.
• House – So the premise (doctor's are assholes) is actually a good one, but Dr. House is so much worse than that. Not only is he as unlikable as any character could be, but he's WRONG all the time. It's a good thing that all these patients with nose bleeds somehow find their way in front of the great House, because who else would diagnose them with colon cancer, AIDS, lupus, ALS, Parkinson's and Herpes in the span of sixty minutes? Why does EVERY FUCKING EPISODE have to be the same?
• Any reality show when the contestants tell one another not to get mad because "it's just a game". Is it? Thanks for reminding me, jerkoff.
• Numb3rs – can the FBI solve a case without the help of a college professor mathematician? Why don't they just hire the guy full time already? No show on TV gives me worse heebie-jeebies, both from the atrocious premises and the gratuitous use of chalkboards.

What, you ask, nothing on those crap-fests on the WB or UPN (now combined to form the CW)? It's kind of like yesterday's post – if a show airs and PatRoW isn't there to watch it, does it really exist?