Just another day in Bushtopia

Have you heard about the Bush administration's latest ploy to unilaterally assume dominance and destroy that "meddlesome" separation of powers? Though such actions are in defiance of every conceivably applicable law, the FBI raided the Capitol Hill offices of a sitting Congressman. Oh yeah, neither he nor his attorney were present.

(And yes, I’m well aware that Bush publicly expressed outrage at his FBI Director and Attorney General, but you don’t need X-ray vision to see through that smoke screen, do you? In fact, White House sources close to PatRoW reveal that during his closed-door reprimand, Alberto Gonzalez justified his actions by saying “I learned it by watching you, OK?” Bush responded with “Oh Alberto – you’re a spicy meat-a-ball” and the two ass clowns busted up laughing. Apparently, you’re good people in the president’s book if you can incorporate lines from 80s commercials into everyday life – and you thought I hated everything about the man).

The 18-hour raid, part of a criminal bribery investigation, came on a Saturday afternoon while Congress was in recess (gee, you think they were hoping that no one would notice?). At this point, you'd think Dubya's Dummies would be a little better at avoiding a slip in their own shit:

The procedures used in the raid were "sloppy at best and reckless at worst," said John Conyers of Michigan , the ranking Democrat on the [House Judiciary] Committee. Mr. Conyers cited other instances where, he said, the Bush administration had appeared to unilaterally grab power, including the White House's position authorizing more aggressive interrogation of prisoners, and the program of domestic wiretapping without a warrant and data mining.

Perhaps my outrage is just another partisan ploy to bring down the president's efforts and propel Democrats towards recapturing Congress this November. I mean, surely it's only the pinko commie liberal in me that is so disgusted, right?

Guess again, O'Reilly.

"This is a constitutional issue and a matter of grave concern," said James Sensenbrenner, Republican of Wisconsin, who called the unusual session at a time when most of Congress is in recess.

Robert S. Walker, a former Republican congressman from Pennsylvania, urged the committee to use its power of subpoena to demand information on how the search was authorized. The panel should "demand a full accounting for the decision-making process that led to the Rayburn [ House Office Building] raid," he said. "The Judiciary Committee should be prepared to subpoena documents tied to this incident."

He said the search appeared to reduce Congress's standing as a co-equal branch of government and predicted sharp reaction if the roles were reversed. "One can only imagine what the concern would be if the Capitol Police were sent on a raid of an executive agency in pursuit of Congress's oversight function," he said.

Ooooh, this could be fun! Let's imagine what would be uncovered if the Capitol Police *did* raid an executive office or two…

· Dick Cheney's sarcophagus (with 26 pounds of Transylvanian tundra)

· Laura Bush's collection of love letters to Stephen Colbert

· Donald Rumsfeld's cache of underage Thai gay porn

· Scott McClellan's soul (concealed in a Tic-Tac box)

· Condi Rice's retainer

· Jenna Bush's secret stash

· Jenna Bush's overextended gash

· George Bush's...ah hell, let's just end it on a "Jenna Bush's gash" joke

Blast from the Past

Remember Jack Abramoff? You know, the guy at the center of the issue 12 Bush scandals ago? Well, one of Jacky's cronies is on trial now and, despite the White House's frequent and boisterous contentions that the lobbyist had little influence over anything important, actual court documents seem to prove otherwise.

David Safavian, former chief of staff at the General Services Administration (aka the government's landlord), is accused of lying about his relationship with Abramoff. And just wait until you hear his defense!

In her opening statement to the jury Wednesday, Barbara Van Gelder, Safavian's lawyer, insisted that her client was guilty of nothing more than being a good buddy. He did nothing unethical or criminal, she said. He just acted like a pal.

"They had a common interest in golf and racquetball."

You know, because "pals" are always willing to illegally slip in me and some buddies for a 5-day golf outing at Scotland's St. Andrews – only the oldest, and perhaps most famous, course in the world. And really, who doesn't help their racquetball chums secure a redevelopment deal to turn a historic landmark into a 5-star hotel?

Safavian contends everything was on the up-and-up, pointing to an e-mail he sent to the GSA ethics office prior to the golf junket. "In his request, Safavian described Abramoff as 'a lawyer and lobbyist, but one that has no business before GSA (he does all his work on Capitol Hill).'" Well, if that were true the government would have no case; however…

E-mails clearly show that at the same time Safavian was planning on joining the Scottish golf junket, the GSA official was helping to provide Abramoff with information about the best way to obtain the two parcels of federal land, which were controlled by the GSA. In addition to making several internal queries on Abramoff's behalf, Safavian obligingly set up a meeting between Abramoff's wife and GSA officials. Safavian even arranged another convenient golf outing -- that included the Abramoffs and Stephen Perry, who directed the GSA.

Not one to take advantage of his "pal's" generosity, Safavian was kind enough to reimburse Abramoff $3,100 for the trip, which also included a three night stay at a luxury hotel in London. Of course, "the Justice Department calculates that the trip cost Abramoff more than $16,000 per person".

But how can anyone ever really prove the true nature of Safavian and Abramoff's relationship (were they "just friends", "friends with benefits", "fuck buddies", etc.)? Oh yeah, let's just ask Jack!

Abramoff himself has denied that [Van Gelder's defense] was true… Just days before Safavian's discount junket to Scotland, a colleague of Abramoff asked why the GSA official had been invited. Abramoff's response was right to the point. ''Total business angle," the lobbyist wrote. "He is new COS [chief of staff] of GSA.''

Ah, with friends like these…right David?

Bad Boys, Bad Boys – Whatcha Gonna Do?

So Tony Blair was in Washington again this week, appearing at President Bush's side and taking shot after shot on his weak, British chin. It seems that as bad as things are domestically for Dubya, his pasty political ally may have it even worse; instead of the "normally silver-tongued prime minister" supporting his maligned presidency, Bush has been forced to defend Blair to a hostile an unflinching press:

That role reversal was as good a sign as any of how the two friends' political standing has eroded since they made the case together for war in Iraq. Last week even The Economist, a British magazine that has been more favorable to Mr. Blair than most, called his partnership with Mr. Bush the "Axis of Feeble."

That the two world leaders would support one another is no surprise – hey, Hitler had Mussolini, right? – but the biggest shocker was this observation by the BBC's John Pienaar:

There was a moment, as George Bush watched Tony Blair fielding questions on Iraq, when the president's eyes actually seemed to be shining with affection and respect.

Of course, it may have been a trick of the harsh television lights.

Don't you think these two would make a great buddy-cop duo? I mean, as long as you don't mind the heroes getting shot 46 times each in the head, chest and crotch.

So dark the con of Manischewitz

I've been bad. I know it. StatCounter tells me that I actually have a few readers checking PatRoW each day – their disappointment about my infrequent posts matched only by their disappointment of seeing yet another sub-par edition of Quick Hits.

With that said, let's move on to another sub-par edition of Quick Hits!

Driver Has 18 Times Legal Alcohol Limit – you simply have to respect a man, who after being tested at 7.27 grams per liter of alcohol in his blood, tells police that he "he had been drinking the night before and tried to freshen up by downing a pint of beer for breakfast." Hey Vidmantas – you're good people. Don't let that vicious MADD smear campaign tell you otherwise.

Jack Bauer Saves Day on Finale of '24' – wait, don't tell me what happened! I TiVo'd last night's episode and haven't seen the finale yet. Did Jack Bauer miraculously save Los Angeles/America/Planet Earth/the Universe from destruction? Did he expose corruption and/or false patriots in the government? Was there a shocking twist in which it was revealed that someone he trusted was really working against him?

(And yes, I will feel really stupid if the finale offered a truly original ending…but I've been waiting for one for four full seasons and 22 episodes, so I don't think I'll be shocked when I hit play on my DVR).

Experts: Hurricane Season Won't Match 2005 – really? You think so, doctor? Add another group of douchebags to my list, because I hate meteorologists/weather men/directors of the National Hurricane Center .

You mean to tell me that the most active and expense hurricane year on record won't be topped ONE YEAR LATER? I am truly shocked. Then again, I thought nature never experienced highs and low, peaks and valleys, ebbs and flows and all that other crap. I thought 154 years of history meant nothing…wow, I guess I was wrong.

Let me just point out that, even as these experts predict 2006 will not be as severe as 2005, they are also predicting a more active year than they did last May. " There will be up to 16 named storms, the center predicted, which would be significantly less than last year's record 28…Last year, officials predicted 12 to 15 tropical storms."

I'm not going to delve into the hack comedy bit about how a weatherman never has to be right, but isn't this a bit ridiculous? They now have live Doppler radar that can pinpoint the exact minute a thunderstorm cell is going to pass over a specific intersection, yet the 5-day forecast is as unreliable as a Canal Street Rolex? What gives?

And don't even get me started on that douchiest of douchebag weather forecasters, the Farmer's Almanac. Every year – every fucking year – they send someone on local TV and radio to "predict" upcoming weather. Of course, they point to their accuracy in the previous year's forecast – documentation of which is conveniently never provided. Then again, their forecast is usually something like "our secret weather predicting formula tells us that it will rain a lot this spring, July will be the hottest month of the year, leaves will magically change colors and fall off trees sometime in October, and Christmas will fall on or approximately December 25."

Now why did you have to get me started? I asked you not to.

This is what it sounds like when pigs fly

I stumbled onto an interesting article by MSNBC's Tom Curry, who asked " What would a Democratic majority do in 2007?" – a question that, despite its utter impossibility, shows what's wrong with the party that counts on my vote but offers me little in return.

Sure, I'd love to think about a return to core liberal issues and resolving the obvious problems cultivated in the GOP's reign of terror. But what are Democratic congressmen really creaming their shorts about? Investigations. Ooooh, that's sexy. That's a great idea – let's bog down the flow of government and add to the already almost universal distrust for all politicians – regardless of party affiliations.

"We will have subpoena power, and that's why the Republicans are so afraid that we will be able to show the public how they arrived at a (Medicare) prescription drug bill that is born of corruption," House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi told NBC's Tim Russert on Meet the Press Sunday. "Investigation is the requirement of Congress. It's about checks and balances."

Perhaps the most relentless new committee chairman, if the Democrats win the House, will be Rep. Henry Waxman of California, who is now the senior Democrat on the Government Reform Committee, the House's principal investigative committee.

In an interview Tuesday, Waxman said that if he takes the helm of the committee in 2007, "I would pursue a much more vigorous set of investigations (than Republicans have)…. I'd certainly consider a high priority to investigate abuse of prisoners, manipulation of intelligence that has gotten us into Iraq, I'd want to know about waste of taxpayers' money by private contractors, whether it's in reconstruction of Iraq, or work in the Louisiana-Mississippi Gulf region or for homeland security."

I understand the importance of *proving* that the Bush administration acted unethically and immorally on dozens of occasions, but the court of public opinion reached this conclusion months ago. Why waste political clout by proving that mistakes have been made, even while those same mistakes remain uncorrected?

Senator Harry Reid seems to get it, saying that his agenda, as prospective 2007 majority leader, would be addressing "the energy crisis, health care, allowing our children to go to school… these staggering (federal budget) deficits."

The clincher came when Reid was asked about Senate investigations of the Bush administration: "I'm not heavily into investigations. That should be way down at the bottom of our agenda."

Maybe it's silly to even consider the possibility that he (or any of his liberal peers) will serve as Senate Majority Leader next year, but Reid is correct. If the American public somehow comes to its senses and elects a Democratic majority, it won't be because we wanted GOP assholes to be investigated. It would be because we want our nation restored to some semblance of its former glory. It would be because we are committed to having the mistakes corrected of Bush's cronies, flunkies and douchebags. It would be because we refuse to allow our country's future to be further mortgaged for short-sighted and selfishly motivated gains.

Of course, if you believe any of it will happen, I've got a Halliburton contract I'd love to sell you.

Happy Mother's Day!

Although the Mets let us down, my old friend Justin and I enjoyed our weekend in Milwaukee. The highlight was likely on Friday night, when as part of the Brewers’ “Visiting Fan of the Game” promotion, we were showcased on the scoreboard and allowed to give a personal message.

Is it safe to say I’m the best son ever?

Happy Mother’s Day, folks.

DoG-gone Politics and Policies

Every once in a while, I will admit that someone else is – perish the thought – more capable than myself at delivering an important message. This is one of those times.

Friends, do yourself a favor and read this post in DoG (permanent link at the right). If you don't think it completely sums up everything wrong with American politics, you are a douchebag who deserves having me "do an R. Kelly on your baby daughter".

That's right – I'm talking to you, Star and Buc Wild .

Quick Hits – All about Jeb

President endorses Jeb, for anything – for some reason, I don't think anyone has placed an order yet on those "Jeb Bush for NAMBLA Treasurer" buttons, despite a White House recommendation.

Women can tell which men like kids – a leading reason why Jeb Bush will receive unprecedented support from females in his bid for NAMBLA Treasurer.

Governor Bush Declares State Of Emergency – apparently, Dateline is running new "Perverted Justice" stings from his home state of Florida…and Jeb is afraid that the negative attention could hurt his NAMBLA Treasurer candidacy.

God damn, is there anything in the world more fun than starting a ridiculous rumor about a Republican douchebag and then running that dumb joke into the ground? If there is, I haven't found it.

Best Study Ever

After a victorious crusade to end the reign of one vicious cunt-rag witch, PatRoW took a much-deserved vacation. Apologies to the tens of you in the deep stages of withdrawal; your suffering days are over.

What lifted me off my lazy ass and back onto my soapbox, you ask? Only the most important topic in our society: teen sex!

According to a study presented at the 2006 National STD Prevention Conference sponsored by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, an increasing number of teenagers are participating in oral and anal sex. Damn that's hot…but just how much of an increase are we talking about?

In examining the 1994 medical records of 2,598 12- to 25-year olds, and the 2004 medical records of 6,438 subjects of the same age, attending STD clinics in Baltimore, [Dr. Emily] Erbelding [from Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center] and colleagues found that over the 10-year period the prevalence of self-reported oral sex in the previous 90 days doubled among males (from 16 percent to 32 percent) and more than doubled among females (from 14 percent to 38 percent).

There was also an increase in rectal sex… Among young women, the prevalence of self-reported anal sex over the period rose from 3 percent to 5.5 percent.

Are you serious? One out of twenty high school girls is giving up the old Hershey Highway? How is that possible? When I was in high school, I practically had to pour a six pack of Zima down a girl's throat to get under her bra! I hate being one of those "back in my day" douchebags, but do today's high school guys know how good they have it? And what has gotten into the girls (besides a locker room full of cock)?