Bush Speak

It seems that there is a hidden meaning in our president’s simple words, and no, I’m not referring to the so-called proof of a relapse that has circled the web.

Like most able-brained Americans (and OPEC oil barons), I was shocked when Bush announced that America was addicted to Middle Eastern oil during his State of the Union speech on Tuesday night. Luckily for us, the shock quickly disappeared when Bush’s “people” issued what amounts to a complete recant of the most completely honest thing he’s uttered in decades.

It was reported that

“One day after President Bush vowed to reduce America's dependence on Middle East oil by cutting imports from there 75 percent by 2025, his energy secretary and national economic adviser said Wednesday that the president didn't mean it literally.”

He didn’t mean it literally? Is “America is addicted to oil” some kind of figurative metaphor no one has explained to me? Damn, I hate it when Bush’s intellectual elitist cronies put me in my place.

Asked why the president used the words "the Middle East" when he didn't really mean them, one administration official said Bush wanted to dramatize the issue in a way that "every American sitting out there listening to the speech understands."

It would be so funny if this weren’t such a convincing argument for so many misrepresented truths that have slid from the mouths of administration officials. Apparently, we shouldn’t have assumed that the president literally meant that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, or that he had never heard of Jack Abramoff, or that Brownie had done a “heck of a job”, or that he “could while away the hours, confer with the flowers and consult with the rain” if he only had a brain. Don’t you see? Those were all figurative statements. The literal meanings that we *should* have inferred were:

• Saddam messed with my daddy his oil sure is purty
• You can’t be compelled to testify against your husband, right? What about somebody who takes care of you like a real man, but without the sex? If I give him blowjobs, does that count?
• Brownie, I really liked how you handled those Arabian horses. But this here hurricane? I’m afraid to say that you could have done a tad better. Don’t let it happen again.
• With the thoughts I’d be thinkin’ I could be another Lincoln

What someone really needs to create is a Bush-to-English dictionary. That way, when he says something like “Sam Alito has shown a mastery of the law, a deep commitment of justice, and a -- and he is a man of enormous character,” we could turn to our trusty guidebook to learn that what he really meant was “man, I sure can’t wait until this here sumbitch makes it illegal for women to wear shoes and speak without being spoken to.” Now I see why everybody loves the president. No matter your political affiliation, you simply have to respect a guy who’s so plain spoken and honest.