Monday's Quick Hits

Today is the first installment of a new running feature on PatRoW – Quick Hits will be a brief review of e-headlines and my fast recap of the story (you know, instead of 1,000 words, I’m trying to keep it to fewer than 50). The hope is that I will be better able to:

1. cover a lot of topics about which I care but of which I have no real knowledge
2. produce a less redundant product than what can be found in scores of better-written blogs

In other words – I know I’m a hack, but I’m trying to be less hacky.

Not Lame Yet? – A Washington Post piece about whether the Bush administration has slipped to “lame duck” status after its miserable Dubai/ports fiasco. I’d argue that the administration has always been lame, but that would be immature.

Governors with a Lot on Their Plates – Apparently, George Bush thinks that governors are “results-oriented people”. You know, as opposed to presidents, who are motivated purely by personal and financial factors. As a side note, I’m happy to hear that “the first lady is extraordinarily fastidious about healthy eating.” That’s some groundbreaking reporting right there…

Hypertext – A Chicago Tribune Web Log – It seems that ask.com is retiring manservant Jeeves as its official mascot (don’t call him a butler – there is a distinct difference). Steve Johnson won’t hesitate to tell you how funny his writing is, and while PatRow may be a bit full of itself, at least I don’t try to pass off as comedy a lame idea like renaming the old site “AskMrsJeeves.com because she’s the one who really knows the answers.” Ugh.

Get ready to cringe at an ungodly number of ‘missionary position’ jokes

(Do you like what I did there? While ironically poking fun at the bad “missionary position” pun, I used a discreet “ungodly” pun myself. That’s clever…I’m clever.)

Ed. note: My blog has gotten comments from two – count ‘em, two – people thus far, so in response to 50% of my audience’s feedback, I’m abandoning PatRoW’s “gloomy political future” tone in favor of an open forum to dissect and critique hypocrisy and lunacy around the world. For those who were deeply invested with my entirely redundant take on the American political landscape, don’t fret – I will still bash Scott McClellan (and friends) whenever possible. For now, however, we move to the “more funny = more better” part of the blog:

In a story seemed better suited as a Saturday Night Live sketch, reports from the UK say that Paris Hilton has been tapped to play Mother Teresa in an upcoming film biopic. Now, on to the punch lines!

• Paris wasn't the producers' first choice, but apparently Jenna Jameson was unavailable
• Sometimes, a good blow job is all you really need to get over a bad case of leprosy, right?
• The film’s tagline: “On the dirty streets of Calcutta, only one woman had the courage to get on her knees and fight”
• Forget screwing black guys to piss off daddy – now Paris will really be “slumming it”!
• In related news, Pope Benedict’s people will neither confirm nor deny that he has been asked to star in the title role of “Hairy and Hung – the Ron Jeremy Story”
• Talk about getting into character – during the filming, Paris has agreed to live as a “technical virgin”. Besides, there’s no proof that Teresa didn’t enjoy ass sex every once in a while.
• Forget the communion wafer, look what else I can fit in my mouth!

That noise you hear? That’s hell, warming up the space heater for my imminent arrival.

'Missionary position' jokes are poised to overtake 'there's room for everyone at the Paris Hilton' as 2006's most overused reference to "America's Slutheart" (© 2006 PatRoW)

Must 'Si' TV

It appears that the UPN/WB merger scheduled for this fall isn’t all bad news for fans of the fledgling networks. The vacuum left b the loss of one channel will allow room for the introduction of a new concept in the television industry: My Network TV.

My Network TV will launch in September, programming 8 to 10 p.m., Monday through Saturday. Initially, MNTV will consist of two hour-long serialized dramas, running under the umbrella names "Desire" and "Secrets."

The programs, which will air six days a week for 13 weeks, are "all about guilty pleasures, with high melodrama and beautiful people," Fox Television Stations Group President Jack Abernethy told participants in a news conference yesterday morning in New York.

(Jack Abernathy…hmm, that name sounds familiar. Could that be the same Jack Abernathy who serves as chairman of Fox “News”, an organization that has – once or twice – blamed our society’s woes on the type of television his company’s entertainment arm is now producing? Maybe I shouldn’t ask too many questions…hypocrites don’t like questions).

Because Hollywood can’t be bothered to come up with original thought if an idea exists that hasn’t been completely overexposed, the two MNTV series are adaptations of popular Spanish-language “telenovelas”. Each of the show’s storyline will run six nights a week for three months and “at the end of the 13 weeks, "Desire" and "Secrets" will return with new stories, new casts, etc.”

I’ll tell you – what most excites me is the originality infused into the MNTV show scripts:

The first round of "Desire," airing at 8 p.m., is called "Table for Three" and chronicles the destruction of a family when "two brothers on the run from the mafia find themselves in a heated battle of passion, betrayal, deceit and murder over the woman they both love."

The first edition of "Secrets," called "Fashion House," "goes deep behind the scenes of the glamorous and sometimes brutally ruthless fashion industry," news conference participants were told. The words "greed," "lust" and "blind ambition" also were slung about. Characters include an unfulfilled wife who chases her dream of becoming a fashion designer after discovering her husband's infidelity, a temptress who is every homemaker's worst nightmare, and a high-powered supermodel who loses her baby "after a suspicious fall downstairs."

(Damn, these projects would be perfect for Shannon Tweed and Antonion Sabato, Jr. DO you think they're available?)

Among other shows in development for My Network TV are:

* "Celebrity Love Island," in which six hot C-listers and "six non-celebrity singletons" are thrown together in a fantasy island setting where a "search for love takes place," which we think is a euphemism for "hot tubs and petting."
* "On Scene," described as "coverage of the crimes you need to see to believe."
* "Catwalk," a competition in which, news conference attendees were told,
uber-supermodels would help wannabes become supermodels.

I think it could be fun to predict other shows MNTV will air before colossal failures and lack of ratings cause the new network to close up shop. I predict:

* A show revolving around 4-6 attractive 20-somethings struggling with life and love in New York City
* A crime solving show in which the detectives use technology and/or the supernatural to catch the criminals
* A talent competition set up to discover a new star in some boring discipline

Wait a second…am I still talking about MNTV or did I switch over to ABC?

Quick, someone call the Princeton Review!

Didn’t you always hate it when uppity teachers would issue a test on the first day of school to gauge students’ abilities and potential? Well, Justice Alito’s first day of school will carry a slight amount of pressure; after all, activists on both sides of a contentious issue will use today as a predictor for the Supreme Court’s short-term future.

It seems that the Court will hear a challenge to a federal law outlawing a late-term abortion procedure:

The law, the Partial Birth Abortion Act, was passed in 2003 but was immediately challenged in court and has never taken effect. It was ruled unconstitutional by three federal appeals courts in the last year, in rulings based on a Supreme Court decision in 2000 striking down a similar law passed in Nebraska.

In that case, Stenberg v. Carhart, a 5-to-4 majority that included the now-retired Justice Sandra Day O'Connor found that any abortion ban must include an exception for the health of the mother.

The case accepted by the court today…is certain to rekindle questions of whether the court in the post-O'Connor era will be more sympathetic to efforts to limit abortion rights.

Basically, the Partial Birth Abortion Act would not infringe upon Roe v. Wade – that’s a bigger battle for a later date. But if the Court reverses its precedent and upholds the law, it could start a slippery slope of anti-abortion legislation.

Yet the issue today is not about being Pro-Choice or Pro-Life, it’s about a woman’s safety. The PBAA would have easily passed if it included a provision allowing doctors to perform a partial birth abortion when a woman’s health is in danger. By refusing to consider this distinction, conservative lobbyists have shown their true colors – preservation of life is not nearly as important as they would pretend. When an unborn fetus’ life is valued above a woman’s, even those on the fence about the ethics of abortion can’t help but be outraged (and I won’t even go into the disgusting “name game” politics involved. Who would be in favor of something called partial birth abortion? Who is in favor of ANY abortion? People are in favor of choice and of having the option to have a late-term abortion if medically necessary. Why not call conservative groups “Anti-Choice”? Isn’t that the same thing?)

(OK, I guess I will go into name game politics…sorry).

No, the issue today is not about Pro-Choice or Pro-Life; the issue is about the future of a judicial branch poised to disregard law, science and common sense in the interest of religiously-guided (or misguided) beliefs. Sam Alito, it’s you’re first day of school – please don’t flunk this test. They’re only going to get harder…

Like rats on a sinking ship

Resisting the call of their pied piper, droves of congressional Republicans are fleeing the president’s position on wire tapping and calling for an open debate. It should be no surprise, however, that Dubya’s administration is making every possible effort to avoid progressive action or even the slightest admission of guilt.

…the White House opened the door to talks in the hope of avoiding a full-scale Congressional investigation. According to lawmakers involved in the discussions, a number of senior officials, including Harriet E. Miers, the White House counsel, and Andrew H. Card Jr., the chief of staff, began contacting members of the Senate to determine what it would take to derail the investigation.

That’s right, the president is trying “to derail” a congressional investigation. Who needs stinking congressional oversight anyway? And judicial oversight? That’s for pussies!

How could Bush justify such a blatant disregard for our constitutionally-ensured balance of powers? "Unfortunately, we're having this discussion," he said of the debate over wiretapping. "It's too bad, because guess who listens to the discussion: the enemy."

Apparently in the president’s Brave New World, you’re either with him absolutely, or a rag head sumbitch. There is no gray area or room for discussion in matters of national security, even if everything we value about American democracy lies in that middle ground.

Of course, “The White House has refused to [further] discuss those talks [with Congress]. Trent Duffy, a deputy press secretary, said the administration ‘does not want to negotiate in the media.’” To clarify: using the media to hammer out one’s own message is fine, but to actually respond to the press’s reports of dissenting ideas is against policy. Yeah, that seems about par for the course. You can’t really blame Duffy for this hypocrisy either – his boss is a professional douche bag.

And still, because aligning oneself with a historically unpopular president on an obviously illegal and unethical platform is not the best election year strategy, a growing number of conservative congressmen are breaking ranks.

The latest Republican to join the growing chorus of those seeking oversight is Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina.

"I do believe we can provide oversight in a meaningful way without compromising the program," he said, "and I am adamant that the courts have some role when it comes to warrants. If you're going to follow an American citizen around for an extended period of time believing they're collaborating with the enemy, at some point in time, you need to get some judicial review, because mistakes can be made."

Despite the obvious privacy and ethical issues, not every rat has found dry ground. Mike DeWine (aka Ohio Senatorial seat warmer) stepped right in line with the administration’s message.

Mr. DeWine is calling for legislation that would explicitly authorize the wiretapping and exempt it from the 1978 law that created the intelligence court to review classified applications for wiretapping inside the United States. The White House has embraced that concept, because it would take away the uncertainties of judicial review.

I don’t know how this guy can sleep at night. How could one possibly argue that a law expressly designed to ensure judicial oversight for domestic wiretapping does not apply to domestic wiretaps? Proposing legislation to overturn the 1978 law would be one thing, but advocating the stance that the law is not applicable to the exact situation for which it was originally written? That takes balls, Mr. DeWine. For the sake of our country’s future, I hope that as large as yours are, they are equally sterile.

To Tell the Truth

Howard Kurtz ran a nice piece in today’s Washington Post that details the Bush administration’s reticence to release potentially damaging information. Kurtz includes more than one jab at and an unflattering photo of a certain White House fat head, which alone was worth the price of admission.

The article included what I always find particularly refreshing – negative statements by former Republican cronies:

Ari Fleischer, Bush's former press secretary, says Cheney had "a responsibility to the public and a duty to disclose" the accident on the night it happened. "This is the definition of news." Fleischer says that White House correspondents "are justified in being upset…”

and

"The sooner you put a spotlight on bad information, the sooner it gets cleaned up," says Torie Clarke, a former spokeswoman for Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "Every minute, or in this case hours, you spend defending why you didn't get out word about the hunting accident are minutes and hours wasted. . . . This is not my cousin in southwestern Pennsylvania having a hunting accident. It's the vice president of the United States."

In the interest of equal time, Kurtz felt compelled to give the administration a chance to defend its actions; of course, officials did not hesitate to adamantly refuse to admit wrong doing and instead offer pathetic excuses:

The White House says it is a mistake to lump together different controversies. "We don't try to keep things from the press for the purpose of annoying the press," says communications director Nicolle Wallace…Of the hunting mishap, Wallace says: "It was a personally painful experience, as the vice president has said, where he fired his gun and hurt his friend." The
Katrina correspondence was withheld because "the president's priority is to preserve his ability to get candid advice." As for the Abramoff photos, Wallace says Bush's desire was "not to throw flames on a politically charged story" that remains under investigation.

Should it have to fall to PatRow to remind the White House communications director that the president’s priority should not, in fact, be “to preserve his ability to get candid advice,” but to preserve the integrity of this country and his once esteemed office? When did protecting his ass become the commander in chief #1 focus?

Did I hear someone say January 20, 2000?

No Shit, Sherlock

G. Gordon Liddy is a lying, hatemongering, twit.

Earthshaking news, I know. Has your world been sufficiently rocked?
Though somewhat familiar with the man and his ridiculous take on the world, I had never heard him speak until this morning. Appearing as a guest on the Opie and Anthony XM radio show, Liddy spewed mistruth after mistruth and got me far more agitated than I should have been at 7 am. In fact, though I listen to their intentionally offensive show on a daily basis, today was the first time that distasteful content forced me to tune out O&A (luckily I had by trust Abba mix on standby to chase away my morning blues).

In the two minutes I heard Liddy rant, he fired off a “fact” on Islam and Muslims that made me cringe. I’m sure this isn’t the first time he’s said something like this (or worse):

“The Koran is all about hate. Nowhere in the book can you find anything about forgiveness – the whole thing is about war, killing and retribution.”

Sure, the Koran casts a favorable light on a lot of war, killing and retribution. But does it do so any more than either the Old or New Testaments? As an experiment, I Googled “Koran peace” and found these tidbits on the first link that popped up (my favorite is #4):

1. Chapter 3, verse 172: "Of those who answered the call of Allah and the messenger, even after being wounded, those who do right and refrain from wrong have a great reward."

...

2. Chapter 2, Verse 190: "Fight in the cause of Allah those who fight you, but do not transgress limits; for Allah loves not transgressors."

...

3. "If people are intent on using religion to motivate terror or violence, they'll find an excuse there no matter what the actual text says," says David Rodier of American University in Washington, D.C., who is an expert on the world's religions. Like the Koran, he says, most holy scriptures are filled with stories of war and warriors, and these images have been used throughout history by some members of every faith to justify bloodshed. [accents added by PaTroW]

...

4. "Religion, after all, speaks to our most basic and ultimate convictions, and if you are wanting to use violence, if you can find a religious justification, then you can find a very powerful motivation," says Rodier.

The "full picture" of Islam and the Koran, say [scholars], is captured by Chapter 5, Verse 32: "[I]f anyone slew a person…it would be as if he slew the whole people. And if anyone saved a life, it would be as if he saved the life of the whole people."

You’re right, Liddy. That Koran sounds like pure hatred to me.

Not only is his misinformation strikingly McClellanesque, but it’s dangerous as well. In fact, it wasn’t too long ago that Liddy himself advocated taking up arms against the US government:

“Now if the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms comes to disarm you and they are bearing arms, resist them with arms. Go for a head shot; they're going to be wearing bulletproof vests…They've got a big target on there, ATF. Don't shoot at that, because they've got a vest on underneath that. Head shots, head shots…Kill the sons of bitches.” 8/26/94 – on his nationally syndicated radio show

Let’s see…violence? Check. Killing? Check? Retribution? Check. If I’m not mistaken, that sounds like terrorist doctrine. Liddy must be a Muslim – I mean, it’s the only explanation for his insidious beliefs, right?

Asshole.

Idol Crap

I stink.

Not literally, of course – I mean, I do bathe nearly every other day. No, I stink figuratively. I stink because I espouse enlightened views and live like a rube. I stink because I can, in fact, believe it’s not butter. I stink because I have not watched one second of the 2006 Olympic Winter Games, but have watched three hours of American Idol when it aired directly opposite Olympic programming.

What is most sad is that I need look no further than my reflection to assign blame. Though not entirely by choice (the Mrs. is allowed to TiVo three shows per week), I have selected to watch crap television rather than my nation’s quest for international sporting glory…and apparently, I’m not the only one:

"American Idol" continues its scorched-earth campaign to cleanse the television landscape of programming we hold sacred. On Tuesday night it made hash out of the Winter Olympics in their first face-off – just six days after "Idol" reduced the Grammy Awards to ratings rubble.

Between 8 and 9 p.m., when the tape-delayed, mostly men's figure skating Games coverage was holding the interest of about 16 million viewers, "Idol" was amusing nearly 27 million by dashing the dreams of roomfuls of Ashlee and Usher wannabes.

Of course, NBC bears some responsibility “Slowrino” games. The incessant fluff pieces turned me off to the network’s Olympic coverage long ago, but in an age when one can’t venture outside without being inundated with information, tape-delaying events for primetime broadcast is simply unacceptable. Even if I cared about who won gold in Cross-Country Skiing: Women's 10km Classical (it was Estonia…can you believe it?!?), I would have heard the result from sixteen different sources before I turned on my TV at night.

I will say this in my defense: perhaps the media should stop trying to create drama and let the sports take care of themselves. Had I invested time in watching, for example, the men’s figure skating event (must…resist…“Brokeback Mountain”…joke…), I would have thrown my shoe at the screen when subjected to a feature on the “bad boy of figure skating, Johnny Weir (see above) who is “redefining” what America expects its male skaters to be:

A huge Christina Aguilera fan, Weir wears a silver charm with the letter "D" for "dirty" (Dirrty is his favorite Aguilera song) around his neck. His nicknames include "Tinkerbelle" and "Simba," and he has a fan club whose members call themselves "Johnny's Angels."

Dude, here’s a free tip – when you wear a swan outfit, you’re hardly a bad boy. And when your nickname is “Tinkerbelle,” don’t think you’re shattering any stereotypes.

At the Torino Games, every bad boy dresses like a swan

Brokeback Bandwagon

Gay cowboys are totally having the best week ever!

OK, so the whole Brokeback Mountain thing has been beaten to death, but now Willie Nelson is singing about man-love on the western trail:

With lyrics like "What did you think all them saddles and boots was about?" the song may raise the hackles of those who see cowboys as the iconic American heterosexual male.

"The song's been in the closet for 20 years," Nelson said in a statement. "The timing's right for it to come out."

If I have half the respect for Willie that I once did, do I have twice or 1/4 the respect for his midget impersonator?

The song, “Cowboys Are Frequently, Secretly (Fond of Each Other)”, will be featured on Nelson’s upcoming album, Stuff I’ve Always Liked and in no way am Supporting Now Because Catering to Popular Trends May Help me get the IRS Off my Back. Also, Pot is Super Expensive Nowadays. Other tracks include “Sweet, Sweet So Doku,” “Desperate for a Housewife,” and “Don’t Let Your Babies Grow up to Live in Big Momma’s House 2”.

In other news, The New Jersey Supreme Court is still split on whether to allow homosexuals to legally marry …no word yet on whether gay cowboys are eligible for an exemption.

Scotty Doesn't Know...Anything

It seems as if PatRoW has found its first official whipping boy, though I suppose I could have looked for a less obvious target. Often serving as the first and most visible face of the Bush Administration, Scott McClellan is put in a position where sounding smart is impossible. Of course, that doesn’t mean he has to be a dick.

Apparently, McClellan’s press conferences aren’t just filled with pathetic attempts at humor, but with his customary blend of arrogance and spite for the American public’s right to have honest access to its leaders:

On whether the press would receive a fuller account of Dick Cheney’s hunting accident: “I think we pretty much covered it all yesterday.”

(Since he brought it up, let’s talk about yesterday’s travashamockery of a press conference. Somehow, the weasel attempted to justify the fact that the White House didn't alert the press corps to the "Red Hot Cheney Pepper" incident; instead, witness to the crime and ranch owner Katherine Armstrong called her local paper in Corpus Christi, TX and passed along the gossip to a health and fitness reporter…I shit you not! Shame on you if you can’t be bothered to read the entire transcript, but here’s a great (and considerably shorter) overview than anything I could have written).

Back to today:

On whether Cheney would be offering any statement himself, even one of regret for the shooting: “You've heard from the vice president's office.”

On the true organizational power structure of the Bush administration:

The New York Times's Elisabeth Bumiller tried to sort out the shooting timeline. Why didn't the vice president call the president?" she pressed. "I don't get it."

"Karl [Rove] spoke with the vice president," [answered McClellan].

"He's not the president."

“Well not officially, no. But c’mon, guys, we all know the score.”

OK, so I made that last part up. But just how telling is it that McClellan “seemed grateful when Helen Thomas hectored him about Hamas, or when another [reporter] wondered if Bush still has confidence in embattled Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff”? If the administration’s domestic and international incompetencies are a welcome relief for its spokesman, doesn’t that say something about the man and his bosses?

Gather 'round, America and meet Scott McClellan: Professional Douchebag.

Equal Time

Just when I thought the Democratic Party had finally shored up some sensitive spots and was poised for a run at evening up the Congressional score, they go out and shoot themselves in the foot (apologies to the Vice President for borrowing this analogy in a story that doesn’t concern him).

Iraq war veteran and outspoken critic of President Bush, Paul Hackett (no, not the former Jets coach), is dropping out of the race for a Senate seat in Ohio and now says he may retire from politics all together.

Sure, the logic makes sense. Sherrod Brown is a 7-term congressman, widely popular and a fundraising dynamo. Locking horns with Hackett in a Democratic primary would only serve to weaken the cause of unseating GOP incumbent Senator Mike DeWine. But logic doesn’t tell the whole story; Hackett is a “new” Democrat – he can position himself as anti-war yet strong on terror, a champion of ethical values and of America’s position as the world’s lone superpower. With the ever-expanding reach of the Christian Right threatening to overcome pockets of resistance, the Democratic Party needs more leaders like Hackett to step up and show the country what being a 21st Century liberal really means.

Then again, a lot of the same things were said in early 2004 about General Wesley Clark…then the guy started talking. Yikes.

Those zany Republicans sure are funny!

It’s the story a certain Texas lawyer can’t remember, and one that millions of decent folk don’t want to forget. Don’t think for a minute that I’m prepared to let the Dick Cheney attempted murder story go gently into that good night.

Today it seems as if the White House is trying to “follow the lead of late-night television comedians” and use humor to defuse the gravity of Cheney’s criminal negligence.

President Bush's spokesman quipped Tuesday that the burnt orange school colors of the University of Texas championship football team that was visiting the White House shouldn't be confused for hunter's safety wear.

"The orange that they're wearing is not because they're concerned that the vice president may be there," joked White House press secretary Scott McClellan, following the lead of late-night television comedians. "That's why I'm wearing it."

LOL…Good one, Scotty. You know, for a professional spokesman, you sure say some stupid things.

Not to be outdone by his beltway brethren, a certain Floridian (and all-round swell guy) couldn’t resist taking a shot at the Veep (get it? Taking a “shot”? Oh man, I should be writing headlines for any of the scores of unoriginal newspapers and websites that covered this story with pathetic puns):

The president's brother, Governor Jeb Bush, took a similar jab after slapping an orange sticker on his chest from the Florida Farm Bureau that read, "No Farmers, No Food."

"I'm a little concerned that Dick Cheney is going to walk in," the governor cracked during an appearance in Tampa Monday.

Wow, I am quite literally rolling on the floor laughing. Now I know what they created that acronym.

Since when is it funny that someone got shot (unless, of course, you are pointing out the humor and irony in who took the shot)? Actually, I’m glad that Cheney’s cronies are yukking this one up; at long last GOP scumbags can finally tell a joke that doesn’t employ the punch line “put Velcro on the ceiling”.

Sometimes the funniest jokes are the easiest ones to make

When you run an incompetent and corrupt administration, you give your critics a lot of ammunition with which to attack or ridicule you. In that vein, let me join in the ranks of my like-minded peers commenting on this story – the most enticing bone we’ve been fed…for at least two or three weeks.

And remember, guns don’t kill people; evil, gun-wielding assholes kill people.

"Really? You pried this out of Charlton Heston's cold, dead hands?

And they say that American work ethic is dead...

I don’t know how much press this story got outside of New York, but it seems that Gotham’s mayor has shitcanned a city employee for goofing off on the job. Yes, folks, the evil Mistress Solitaire has claimed another victim.

Edward Greenwood IX was fired Jan. 30 from his job as an assistant in the city's lobbying office in Albany, not long after the mayor spied the [solitaire] game on his computer screen during a Jan. 4 visit to the state capital.

Of course, Greenwood is claiming that he was a dedicated employee and did not deserve his abrupt dismissal. "Any and all work I had to do, I did with a passion," he said.

Reports that Greenwood was fond of French kissing his TPS reports have not yet been confirmed.

If you’re anything like me, a thousand questions raced through your mind. Here’s a random sample of my madness:

2. If you’re paying a guy $27,000 a year, aren’t you asking him to slack off at the office?

46. Edward Greenwood the Ninth? Of the East Hampton Greenwoods? A family’s once great legacy is now ruined. I hear that his son his renouncing the family name, which is a shame because “Edward X” makes one mighty fine signature.

308. Who the hell plays solitaire anymore? I could respect Free Cell, but everybody knows that in the new millennium, it’s all about So Doku.

360. How many more lives does solitaire have to ruin before The Truth dumps its crusade against cigarettes and launches a campaign about the dangers of single-player cards games?

577. Can President Bush get through a game of solitaire without asking his computer, “Do you got any deuces? Damn, go fish again…”?

668. What would Giuliani do? My guess is that he would have had Greenwood arrested and taken to an off-the-grid prison camp. Ah, the good old days of fascism…

832. If you’re 39 years old and earn $27,000, why exactly haven’t you killed yourself already?

833. Why do people think that squirrels are cute, but rats are disgusting? Does a furry tail really make that much of a difference? (Not technically related to SolitaireGate, but a question that popped into my mind none-the-less)

959. If you know the big boss is going to be in town for one day only, don’t you clean up a bit more than usual? Do you think that Greenwood usually used his computer to troll for kiddie porn, but figured that with Bloomberg around, he “better play it safe and stick to card games”?

I don’t know whether to laugh or be outraged about the situation. Perhaps I’ll just forget about it tomorrow.

Yeah, that seems about right.

Mr. Popular

So Dubya’s new budget blueprint is out and –surprise! – is actually being met with resistance on both sides of the aisle (who said the GOP can’t do anything right? Oh yeah, that was probably me). Taken at his word, the logic sounds like the epitome of Republican core values:

Bush made similar pitches for spending restraint at a business forum in New Hampshire, and later at the bill-signing ceremony at the White House, where he praised steps that he said would both check federal spending and "leave more money in the pockets of those who know how to use it best, the American people."

Luckily, administration officials were quickly there to clarify the president’s message (though the energy secretary and national economic adviser couldn’t be reached this time). An unnamed White House insider revealed to PatRoW that "leaving more money in the pockets of...the American people" is Bush code for "me and my oil buddies is gonna sleep on a pile of hundred dollar bills and blow our boogers on poor folk – yeehaw!"

Despite his benevolent intentions, even some GOP rabble rousers don’t seem to appreciate Bush’s efforts:

In the president's own party, Sen. Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania called proposed cuts in education and health "scandalous," while Sen. Olympia Snowe, R-Maine, said she was "disappointed and even surprised" at the extent of the administration's proposals for Medicaid and Medicare.

A chink in the Grand Old Party’s armor? What’s next – being booed at beloved civil rights leaders’ funerals?

The Mother of All Rants

In honor of PatRow’s almost-one week anniversary (a new record for my blogs, by the way), I decided to turn the reigns over to the Mother of the Blog (aka my mommy) for some e-mailed words of wisdom:

It's funny-you call me the flaming liberal in the family (which I'm not) and you are the one who sends these negative, unflattering (usually hysterically funny) items about the man in the White House. The part that I thought most interesting [about Bush’s State of the Union address] was that he used the word, "egregious" and that he pronounced it correctly. He probably didn't know what it meant, though. This is all enough to turn anyone away from interest in government. I remember telling you (and, I hope, showing you) that voting was not just a privilege but a responsibility and now I find myself just so disappointed in our government. We are mired in a terrible war that has resulted in way too many deaths and in having reversed the good will our country had gotten from most of the rest of the world after 9/11. The scandals in the government are, I know, nothing new, but they seem to have reached new heights of arrogance and criminality. Our environment continues to be raped, our climate continues to warm, our debt, which had been erased by 2000, is in the TRILLIONS! I am really concerned for you and your children and your grandchildren.

Did I say words of wisdom? I meant doomsday tirade (love you mom).

She concluded with this reassurance: “In case you think I have fallen into a depression, I have not. Life is good.” Wow, that’s a relief – I wonder how paranoid she would be if life weren’t great…

Anyone Know any Non-Passé Rolling Stones Metaphors? Me Neither.

All over the web today, folks are reporting how the Rolling Stones “sold out” by agreeing to change provocative lyrics to a song in the Super Bowl XL halftime show. Of course, “provocative” is fairly subjective, since the line “you make a dead man come” was acceptable for AM radio in 1967…but that’s neither here nor there.

Unfortunately, this non-controversy has overshadowed the real story: Mick and the boys’ blatant racism. Did you see them try to hide that black guy in the shadows? I had to cruise dozens of fan sites just to learn the guy’s name (Darryl Jones). Though he has played on all the band’s albums (except one) since Bill Wyman quit, Jones is “not, however, an official member of the band.” Seriously, I may not be a Stones fan, but I can’t remember ONE image of the band in the last 15 years that included the guy.

"Pay no attention to the Negro behind the curtain."

The songs may be ancient, Mick, but the attitude doesn’t have to be Jim Crow. I hope the news doesn’t reach Atlanta – Coretta Scott King may roll right out of her casket and down the steps of the Georgia State Capitol.

On the plus side, I do have to applaud the Stones’ work as historical advisors for FedEx’s brilliant first quarter commercial. I know that watching your dad get crushed by a brontosaurus can be a traumatic event in a young lad’s life, but Keith Richards was able find inspiration and make something of himself. Talk about turning pre-historic lemons into lemonade.

Liar, Whore, Liar, Whore and You Know It!

Ah, good old Dwight Hansen – probably Robert De Niro’s best performance that no one ever saw.

Anyway, I had bookmarked this story a few weeks ago – though it may be hopelessly out-of-date, it did cause me to guffaw…and hell, a good guffaw (or chortle, even) is worth revisiting.

Remember the “truce” offered by Osama in his last tape? Well, no one really believed that the Bush Administration would (or should) jump to accept the terms, but are we really expected to believe the rationale?

"Clearly the al Qaeda leaders and other terrorists are on the run, they're under a lot of pressure. We do not negotiate with terrorists, we put them out of business," White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters.

Right, we put them out of business. Except for those terrorists who signed up for duty because of our illegal war in Iraq – I guess you could say we put those guys in business.

McClellan wasn’t done making ridiculous claims. Check this out:

"The terrorists started this war and the president made it clear that we will end it at a time and place of our choosing."

Huh? I don’t know what’s more disturbing: McClellan’s claim that we could end the war whenever we wanted to, or the idea that the war could be over yet we chose to continue sacrificing our young soldiers and international reputation.

After throwing up in my mouth, I realized the brilliance of Bush’s strategy. You see, he has decreed it unpatriotic to criticize the government during a war. As long as he drags out the war on terror – a war which he had “made it clear we could end…at a time and place of his choosing” – anyone who criticizes him is a traitor. Perfect!

It’s kind of like Bush studied “This Boy’s Life” and mirrored his philosophy after one he admired in the film: “You can get it doggy-style or you can get it lying on your side. Those are your only choices. This is my house and I get to say. Got it?”

Indeed, I got it. My ass is sore already.

Bush Speak

It seems that there is a hidden meaning in our president’s simple words, and no, I’m not referring to the so-called proof of a relapse that has circled the web.

Like most able-brained Americans (and OPEC oil barons), I was shocked when Bush announced that America was addicted to Middle Eastern oil during his State of the Union speech on Tuesday night. Luckily for us, the shock quickly disappeared when Bush’s “people” issued what amounts to a complete recant of the most completely honest thing he’s uttered in decades.

It was reported that

“One day after President Bush vowed to reduce America's dependence on Middle East oil by cutting imports from there 75 percent by 2025, his energy secretary and national economic adviser said Wednesday that the president didn't mean it literally.”

He didn’t mean it literally? Is “America is addicted to oil” some kind of figurative metaphor no one has explained to me? Damn, I hate it when Bush’s intellectual elitist cronies put me in my place.

Asked why the president used the words "the Middle East" when he didn't really mean them, one administration official said Bush wanted to dramatize the issue in a way that "every American sitting out there listening to the speech understands."

It would be so funny if this weren’t such a convincing argument for so many misrepresented truths that have slid from the mouths of administration officials. Apparently, we shouldn’t have assumed that the president literally meant that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, or that he had never heard of Jack Abramoff, or that Brownie had done a “heck of a job”, or that he “could while away the hours, confer with the flowers and consult with the rain” if he only had a brain. Don’t you see? Those were all figurative statements. The literal meanings that we *should* have inferred were:

• Saddam messed with my daddy his oil sure is purty
• You can’t be compelled to testify against your husband, right? What about somebody who takes care of you like a real man, but without the sex? If I give him blowjobs, does that count?
• Brownie, I really liked how you handled those Arabian horses. But this here hurricane? I’m afraid to say that you could have done a tad better. Don’t let it happen again.
• With the thoughts I’d be thinkin’ I could be another Lincoln

What someone really needs to create is a Bush-to-English dictionary. That way, when he says something like “Sam Alito has shown a mastery of the law, a deep commitment of justice, and a -- and he is a man of enormous character,” we could turn to our trusty guidebook to learn that what he really meant was “man, I sure can’t wait until this here sumbitch makes it illegal for women to wear shoes and speak without being spoken to.” Now I see why everybody loves the president. No matter your political affiliation, you simply have to respect a guy who’s so plain spoken and honest.

Bush's Butt Buddy

This just in: Bush administration officials are buzzing about the possible nomination of Jacob Robida for a Congressional Medal of Honor. It’s just another example of an act of heroism from honest, God fearing people.

You know, because Jesus was all about shooting and sticking hatchets into the heads of “them queers”.

My Inspiration: A Philandering Slave Owner

Here’s the brilliant idea (and man who thunk'd it up) behind the new blog:

"A little patience, and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight, restore their government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are suffering deeply in spirit, and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public debt. If the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at stake." – Thomas Jefferson, written after the passage of the Sedition Act.

You see? Like Jefferson, I’m an optimist. TJ and I are a lot alike; well, except for that whole slavery thing…that was wrong. I’ll go out on a limb and say so. But we’re both genius patriots, so I think that we could hang if he were around today (as long as he didn’t smell like decomposed flesh – I have a weak stomach).

As poetic as TJ’s quote was, I’ve heard it argued that to relate it to the modern government, the “w” in “witches” should be replaced with a “b”. Frankly, I think it would be more appropriate if the “w” were replaced with a “c” and the “itches” with “unts”.

Hey, even optimists can be vulgar.

I suppose part of me still believes that if Jefferson’s 208-year-old quote feels like it were written yesterday, perhaps we’re not on the precipice of disaster after all. Maybe, just maybe, we still have a chance.

Of course, there’s always the possibility that I’m giving too much influence to misguided idealism. My more adult side thinks we’re headed downhill fast. That, and that my frosted side looks ridiculous in that oversized business suit.